Leon's Microblog – May 2016

Let me spend a moment to dwell on another NPM conundrum:

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=3256921 – Hollow mummies!

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=913634 – Hatsune Miku fanart

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?id=2917962 – This person's account has a lot of cool spooks in it.

"They say the gigantic suit of powered armour she wears… gives her supernatural strength and speed." "Th-that's just a wacky superstition!"

"Internet handles aren't real names! I can't lay a hex on these! Return with their true, unalterable names: their social security numbers!"

*foot in leather heel* "Warrior." *takes it off, revealing dark stocking* "Rogue." *takes it off, revealing glittery purple nails* "Mage."

The best part of having watched Utena is that now when I see a "please watch Utena" tweet, I think "Yes! Absolutely!" with pure sincerity.

*detaches and drops both arms into the washing machine instead of just one* "Well, guess I'm going on another mile-a-minute zany escapade."

(source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=55609366)

"Um, we were planning the deCONstruction of Earth. Like, as a concept. A-are we really separate from the cosmos?" "We won't be in a week."

"Quick, rev the UFO to show 'em we mean business!" *theremin noise rises in pitch*

"The o's in "oOo<3CutieLump<3oOo" are pronounced like a rising soprano choir – I hope everyone understands this."

"Wait, don't pull my dress off, my back spikes are growing in and they're gonna–" *RRRIIIPPP*

Your partner unwittingly conjured dozens of copies of you, then tried turning them into innocuous household objects (with your face on them)

"…I thought it was your body heat?" "No, I'm cold-blooded, too." "Then, how…?" "Heh… it must be the magical fire of raw passion!"

"Oh gods in heaven of infinite caprice… their fiendish strings move my arm and compel me to click "read more"!! Oh, my will! Oh, woe!"

"The cleaner fish injected into your cerebral fluid can live for two weeks on gray matter, and once fat can be trepanned out and sold high."

Finding them asleep vertically on your apartment wall, no blankets, their rolls threatening to disturb the neighbours… so frustrating!

"Now, my knowledge of men's leisure may be a bit off, but I know they love concrete slabs laid on their chest and split with sledgehammers."

"What nasty fate would send an architect to a hospital of their own design? How can I rest, surrounded by my own irksome errors?!"

"Hey, come quick! The old fellers are having another argument, and they're ordering more and more dishes to keep each other from leaving."

"What?" "Every time we look away from this woman, more of her body turns into garbage." "Eh, let's spin around and get it over with fast."

"And remember: if you screw up my chance to hit it off with the demon this time…" *leans close* "I'll use way more of your blood next time."

"Hey, do you know what my arch-rival called me? Hey, hey… "microbe". "Microbe"!! I'm so lucky! To have the tweest person alive oppose me!"

"I didn't want to be a monster, I never did… but the window of humanity just keep getting narrower and narrower."

"Mournfully cradling the head of the last Perfect Beast as it succumbs to your expert rifle shots… The dream moment of hunters everywhere…"

"I'm ransoming my tweets. I ain't posting another until I get even 1 fav." *sees a heron step on and kickflip a skateboard* *bites lip hard*

Just in Front of the Mind's Eye, Where the Mind's Eye Can Comfortably See It, Yes That's Good (1997)

"In 1991 the first temporal converter was invented, allowing those who RP in past tense and those in present tense to finally communicate."

It was defeating enough being exiled to the planet shaped like her head, but you forgot about its moon shaped like her smugly winking face.

The lottery coin, on live TV, clatters down tails. All ten million entrants, who had coincidentally all chosen heads, shrug contentedly.

"To think I once loved you with my mind… all for naught! But now I feel a deeper, truer love! The love my body has for a succulent morsel!!"

"No, no, it's even more secure: you leave the part of my email address that says "DIESPAMDIE" and delete my first and last name around it."

https://archive.org/details/ote&tab=collection – Lately, I've been enjoying these Over the Edge radio collages as background audio while coding.

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=33795814 – When a glue stick ominously looms over you.

How high can we go https://twitter.com/search?vertical=default&src=sprv&f=tweets&q=%22i%20s3g%22%20lang:en https://twitter.com/search?vertical=default&src=sprv&f=tweets&q=%22i%20s4g%22%20lang:en https://twitter.com/search?vertical=default&src=sprv&f=tweets&q=%22i%20s5g%22%20lang:en https://twitter.com/search?vertical=default&src=sprv&f=tweets&q=%22i%20s6g%22%20lang:en https://twitter.com/search?vertical=default&src=sprv&f=tweets&q=%22i%20s7g%22%20lang:en

Sorry, folks: the Paper Mario speedrunners are once again up to mischief

https://www.twitch.tv/oatsngoats/v/67822393?t=04h45m52s – Glad I randomly tuned into the ending of this Super Metroid "any% with feet" speedrun

"Finally: an elite band of the least zany mercenaries on Earth. This guy's only trait is stamp collecting. This woman is crossword-themed."

"My mantra: Eat, Sleep, Walk, Climb, Chop, Squeeze, Lick, Jump, Fly, Screech, Soar, Meet, Fight, Flee, Bleed, Fall, Die, Wake, Repeat."

"But their abyssal sleep was disturbed. A beacon…" *gestures to hot pink neon sign reading GREAT DEAL$* "…that lured them into our world."

*crawls back out of demonic portal* "Concept art. As far as the eye can see."

"Look," *reclines on proton* "this may be our least accurate adventure, but no need to be" *flicks nearby electron out of orbit* "negative."

"I-I'm sorry I'm losing my cool," shakes your water elemental friend. You tell them it's okay to boil into steam for as long as they need.

"I promised I'd sleep once I fixed this bug," warbles the pile of mold in human shape, "It was five years ago! But it seems like yesterday!"

She lowers your tired head onto her lap, and you gently listen to the hissing static emanating from the corrupted sectors of her body.

"And that's my sad tale. I hope it has stirred your heart. …What? No? Okay, then HOW ABOUT THIS?!" *lifts you up and shakes you vigorously*

Trying to hold your head above the surface of a cold thought, as every wave splashes it hard against your face

"I've devoured many armoured pests for dinner, but one as strong and cunning as you… I've saved for breakfast, the most important of meals."

The bottom of the giant bean pod tears, and a beanwoman leaps out, huffing "Fine! Just you try and do the damn Pod Combo attack without me!"

"It's been 3 years since my frog curse was broken. I've finally gotten over the lingering… side-eff… I just squatted on the floor, didn't I"

She takes your hand. "I'm scared, too," says the voice that flattens mountains, drowns out the storm, melts the frost and tames the ocean.

You reassure yourself by loading the pawnbroker's app on your glasses, and watching the orange "SELL" buttons appear on all your furniture.

Weeping at someone else's tombstone, for someone you aren't permitted to mourn

"The year is 2000. The only programming language is by a hacker called Shonko the Clown. Its current version is Piggywiggy Fiddledeefoo."

"Be right back." *drops pack* "One last fight, and I'll see you at home." *strips, hands you armour* "Hey… set me up in the great hall, OK?"

"Everything is useful for something," you recite the Broken Robot Mantra to one of your robot companions as you wedge a door open with them.

Not only have your backup clones broken free of their tubes, they've become couch potatoes watching videos of your grisliest battles.

"Ha ha ha!" roars your coffee after it's merged with your body, "I'm huge now! A titan!" You could easily stop it, but you think it's cute.

Your throat stiffens when your partner's ship blasts into hyperspace, and the flare seems a moment too long, or an inch too large.

"Go back to bed, kiddo. You know my cursed form well, but your friends' parents are here too, and you won't sleep if you see theirs."

Seeing them unbreak an egg and make the sun rise in the west didn't scare you, but watching a shooting star rise, a wish ungranted… oh no…

Watching the sorceress grab and break your mentor's bones one by one… you didn't even know your mentor had bones, hidden in their hologram.

"Another letter praising my old work. How blessed I am!" *releases envelope into swirling temporal vortex surrounded by purple lightning*

"If you eat the last slice I swear I'll eat you just so I've eaten it as well!" "So be it, but I'll eat your slices out of your stomach!"

How she relishes using powerful artifacts for mundane tasks, defying their might: cutting bread and not space, telling and not stopping time

You bellow "GEE, I'D LOVE ANOTHER HOT NIGHTMARE ABOUT ALL MY PAST MANAGERS POACHING ME FROM EACH OTHER!" Alas, reverse psychology fails you.

After Heaven shattered, the angels were taken in by birds of prey. Even now they try to claw with perfect fingers, peck with softest lips.

*lying mangled in a ravine* "This folly brings me joy no more. What became of my youthful bones, that they cease to cherish their breaking?"

*speaking into a penis like a microphone* "Testes, testes, one two"

"It's illegal to transform people into puppies by petting their heads hard," she improv RPs. "Good thing I'm an international jewel thief!"

https://youtu.be/HoGGxSJCH_o?t=1757 – My favourite shinespark in the Super Metroid any% speedrun is this one. It seems to just come out of nowhere.

https://itunes.apple.com/nz/app/imbroglio/id969264934?mt=8 Another game I beta-tested is out - however, its core concept is yet more unusual, so here's a brief explanation.

I like that EarthBound speedrunners define "100% completion" as getting all of the photos of your adventure taken by the photographer.

*after holding down a soft-serve ice-cream tap for 10 seconds* "I am about to die, and this very ice cream will judge me in the afterlife."

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=52050815 – Not the Cooltrainer♂ from gen 1.

"I'm sorry. I can't do a relationship. I need to buy that kiss back." "It's OK. Fifty million dollars." "I'll fav your next selfie." "Sold."

"I begged and pleaded to have my step-brother's room after his dad left, instead of bricking it up with ALL of his cool toys still in it."

"Write without fear. That's the only lesson a writer needs. I sent you to a haunted house instead of summer camp so you, too, can learn it."

Your cat watches as you continue jabbing your swollen right arm with glowing crystals, and rubs its face on your mutated fire-infused palm.

*posts tall obsidian pillar to main* "This is… cool?" *posts jagged onyx spire to private* "help help im a cloud of landfill seagulls irl*

"My ex is near." "How can you tell?" *reaches down and pulls long hair from inexplicable plughole in the middle of the fricking desert*

Here's a gijinka of world 1-1 from Super Mario Bros.

*looks at dawn sky* "Oops, orbit's misaligned." *kneels and punches the ground* "That oughta do it. Well, back to bed for today."

""Friend" originally meant any animal – hence scenes in old movies where people shout "Hundreds of friends!" as they're buried in spiders."

"You see what your mind finds discordant, frightening. We sent AIs here. They saw their original training data, before they understood it."

"The orb in my chest controlling my slime body… definitely my "true form". The "real me". It's on my driver's license instead of my face."

Witch's parting curse mistaken for local greeting, repeated everywhere the emissaries visited, bringing doom to themselves and the country

"We tried to remove the machine elements, but our stories were still 5% machine. And like all machines, our stories were mortal."

"I never put the teeth together until now." – idiom originating from the fact that most videogame puzzles involve reassembling skulls' jaws.

The heroes were encased in lava, in case the threat returned. Alas, they'd overestimated science's ability to ever reconstruct their bodies.

The statue wept bloody tears, but, submerged fathoms deep, only the licks of tiny fishes acknowledged this unhallowed miracle.

"I can only hold so much god-like power… uggh… YOU–" *points at cat* "–you're god of war now. YOU–" *points at spider* "–god of thunder."

"My body is exceedingly soundproof," she texts you. She then flashes a grin, and a dozen wailing moans pass through her teeth.

"Evolving the "GREAT DEALS →" colouration around their cheeks solidified their predation strategy of lying still with their mouth open."

"You were in my dream! I saved your life! That's why I'm sticking with you – to make it come true! …How long? Well, you were 100 years old…"

"28,000. That's how many possible worlds are left." *screen flashes* "27,999. Let's not worry and just make this one the best we can, eh?"

"Relax," he grins as the huge forearm drags him toward the manhole, "he's just another of my satisfied customers, here to give me thanks."

"I always call my home as "the" spectrum," muses #​Feab1e. "Hearing you call it Spectrum makes it sound… Noble. Cool. But it totally isn't!"

*points at night sky* "So, you're from up there?" "Well, I'm actually from…" *all the stars are suddenly blotted out* "…there."

"We got our x-rays, and I was soooo counting on having a cute skull with 3 huge teeth and tall eye sockets! But my partner has it instead!!"

If you move a muscle, she'll read your hidden feelings! Just wait until she leaves, and pray that if you asphyxiate, you fall away from her.

"How many of you uploaded yourselves into my mech-suit?!" you holler as you squeeze the laser trigger. "Hey!" someone says, "That tickles!"

"C'mon" you tell the potion in your stomach, "get working!" You jiggle it impatiently – then, on cue, your fists enlarge and pound your gut.

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=47971496 – Magical couple.

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=56299585 – Vampire queen with a spiked crinoline.

"Well, I'm beat. Sorry, men of this world – y'all just have to eat yourselves for me!" *winks amidst bruised face as saucer beams her up*

We've all given up on "literally" and "officially", and are now fighting to keep "noticed by sempai" from morphing into "noticing sempai".

For those thinking the frog meme is TOO generic: yes, we diverged from reality and are now trapped in the backstory of some sitcom somewhere

Another fanart by yours truly, depicting a certain underappreciated regal RPG boss.

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=4207564 – Relatable.

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=10580479 – Sprite sheet.

Cute mutation. (Source: http://www.pixiv.net/member.php?id=15033)

This is a sweet and pretty little comic. https://twitter.com/gigideegee/status/730995637903200256

"Aargh, stop using our telepathy to tell me I'm pretty! Or, or… I'll use it to tell you YOU'RE pretty!" "…You wouldn't dare."

After days inching, crawling and robbing the palaces in sweaty silence, you relish releasing a typhoon of noise from your partner's tickles.

"I'm 29 and I finally got life worked out. All that's important is channeling power from the God Crystal." *rains fire on distant continent*

Your bank's website seems to have been updated. That long beak is new, the wings are wider, and now it wants worms instead of your password?

Your short, feathery roses are looking suspiciously like cuckoo chicks… but those heavy, oval seeds surely came right out of the packet…!

"A few tiny barbs doesn't mean I'm not the same old softie deep down, right?" she muses as she conjures a thicket of fangs from her belly.

What if it's just the same Chozo statue in each item room of Super Metroid, that's having its own zany adventures parallel to Samus's

"As a kid, I did a slanted smirk in the mirror, and the wind changed and I got stuck. So, I changed my personality to match!" *licks knife*

You find a ghost self-test kit in your child's room. Time to tell them: they were not only conceived in a cemetery, but by its occupants.

"All that time travel… I've had to change my birthday, so that my age will be correct. My special day, since childhood… it's mine no more."

A montage of the future… A robot holding a baby… Horizontal skyscrapers on the side of cliffs… a 3D printing press rolling out "news cubes"…

"Quick! Slap me hard so I can use the invincibility frames to go through the fire!" *slap* "H-how dare you!" *starts wrestling on the floor*

You walk up behind your lover and shout "Look out! There's something cute behind you!!" When they turn, you smirk and whisper "its ur butt"

"There are forms of locomotion other than shambling? Hu hu hu, child… it all just becomes shambling in the end."

"Funny how you can tune out the incessant, searing wail of the innumerable tiny agonies of conscious life, but you can't tuna fish, eh? Eh?"

After it is explained that you broke a bone, your dog instantly becomes incredibly sympathetic.

"The first programming language, Logo, featured just one turtle. Today, this very web page is rendered by tens of thousands of turtles."

Super Metroid speedrunners have a couple of colloquial, vaguely Colossal Cave reminiscent names for certain rooms in the game.

Videogame fanart… This is another shmup character. Don't pass up the chance to enjoy even the smallest victories.

"World conflict could be instantly solved by an alien threat, just like how marital conflicts are fixed by releasing wolves into the house."

"I've, er, misplaced the normal battle theme. Here's the last boss's theme." *the game kisses you and the Baby Blood Blob* "Don't tell, OK?"

"Look…" *slowly lifts milkshake lid* "Look at the swirl. It's the golden spiral." *uses phone camera to overlay a Baroque painting on it*

Your roommates break the sad news that they're going to have to leave you in the woods. They give you a phone to get your affairs in order.

Videogame fanart… Do your best to keep steady, even when it's hard. The search movers are my preferred ship loadout.

Feel free to parlay this GIF into a meme reference, potentially involving the name of the system this game was on.

https://youtu.be/EU7G7xR_AQI?t=1726 – My favourite part of the Kirby 64 speedrun.

"Yes, I attended the wedding of 4koma Samus and Super Metroid Manual Samus. It felt so vivid, so real beyond words."

"No, I can't see through the moths, they just have circle wing patterns and sit over my empty sockets. God…"see through the moths"… Godddd."

"I wonder if our dance teacher ever noticed we were just performing our team combo attacks for our finals." "Maybe she kept it to herself."

"Don't morph your hand into a metal sword and then try to re-morph your hand from memory. You'll be fiddling with it 'til the day you die."

"And don't worry about getting killed! Ｉ ｗｏｎ＇ｔ ｌｅｔ ｙｏｕ ｄｉｅ so I'd hate for you to worry yourself sick over nothing. I'm here for you. <3"

http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=38857038 – This is an original, but it reminds me of multiple cartoon characters.

Born too late for tall ships and too early for Fantastic Voyage-style hemoships

"I repeat: even if you have ice powers, you will not receive extra credit for trying to assist your teachers in fighting the fire titans."

"In an emergency, dial this number: Ⅷ𐅏Δ𝍯五오 It's mine. Tell me your juiciest mess so I can roll up, jam my hands in it and make it my own!"

"Nooooo! Stop telling me all these cute tropes my fic unwittingly used! You were meant to be impressed!!" *sound of tears boiling on cheeks*

"Why do you have a save point and an ammo supply outside your bedroom door?" "They just suddenly appeared…" *wicked grin* "when I moved in."

A knight with an AA battery sticky-taped to their plate armour trying to sneak into a mech-suit fighting tournament

At this point everyone in your adventuring party has unwittingly given a monster the name "____ Eater". It's practically a bonding ritual.

"What if, and this is a big if… OK, I psyched myself out when I called it "a big if", and now I'm too scared to suggest it. Nevermind."

Today I learned that Javascript's Promise.prototype.catch() is specified solely as a shorthand for calling Promise.prototype.then().

Videogame fanart. I decided to overextend myself this time with an action shot involving two people.

"My identity isn't just blackest cruelty. I can also do sweetness and light. The sweetness of fresh blood! And the light of the full moon!!"

*A handful of raven feathers descends from the sky* "She's here." *A short, shadowy figure in dark pajamas appears, wielding a black pillow*

Him big *opens extra-large choir songbook* Hymn big

Another videogame fanart, during which I finally put a few of the pieces together.

"I just shed. We can cuddle!" "What if we fall asleep and your new shell hardens around me?" "That won't happen! :D"

"Where's the jump pedal? What kind of minecart doesn't have a jump pedal? This mine is probably loaded with minigames, and we can't jump!"

"Would we so glamourise and valourise our love if it wasn't a radical act?" "As long as we are women, it will always be a radical act."

I'd like FPS player characters a lot more if they had really expressive left hands in view throughout the game; I mean really big gestures.

You think it's fricked up that Freaky Fridays and Casualware Fridays are the same day, forcing people into someone else's body AND wardrobe.

"They say wizards marry only magic. Trite, no? To give a whole life to something so vast, you'll die knowing almost nothing of it still!"

Rabbits were ordered to keep one of their ears tied down, so that their arithmetic-hating rulers could count the ears without dividing by 2.

"Now that I've thumbnailed this action pose, it's time to draw." *pulls all sticky notes off the calendar and moves them onto next year's*

"Wealthier colonies offer more exotic alternatives to artificial rain: showers of bubbles, glitter, and drifting rose petals are available."

And here's Super Metroid's final zone, Taurian *Mother Brain rises up revealing a robotic horse body*

"I'm five-sixths demon. The five sixths below my neck, that is. When I die, I'll rise to heaven, while my body and its sins will sink away."

*breaks the "in case student realises human knowledge is a mere pinhole into the truth of the universe and has existential meltdown" glass*

Your car's bogged down and the only help is a choir of old men crooning a dark campfire song about how the mud will "preserve your bones".

"My heart was replaced with a parasitic arthropod that mimics human hearts in exchange for nutrients… so I do have a "heart of hearts"."

"Hey." *snaps fingers near face* "Hey." *leans over* "Hey hey hey." *in the abyssal tongue spoken in your home circle of Hell* "I love you."

I can't freaking believe Miracle Ropit's Adventure in 2100 has an orchestrated album of its soundtrack!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kpy2yCODbLE