"Date: 31/12/2015. Time: 92,600 AM. After the sun was eaten, we couldn't increase the date anymore – just more hours. Dawn will never come."
"I'll take your voice, your mind. I'll take away your ability to type. Get a load of this."
You get a load of that.
You reply, "HLO;Y SJOIY"
"One of the most intimate acts that physical beings perform is to feel each other's weight – to be aware that the other has mass."
"The hardest boss in each game is not the last boss, but minor enemies who each pull out a Wishring and shout "Cosmic powers, make me hot!""
"I'm just saying," said the assembly programmer, "if I was a JRPG final boss, my ultimate attack would totally be called "Big Endian"."
"If I stay up here for a full 24 hours," she explained from atop the statue, "I'll have ridden this bronze horse around the entire Earth!"
"Inquiries found 80% of the cryo-frozen super-soldiers had been prematurely unfrozen, seduced, dumped, and re-frozen by lab technicians."
Sex toys made of cold iron
http://www.twitch.tv/spectrexs/c/7036890 – Super Mario 64 ✌bad ending✌ speedrun.
You may notice the format and structure of this game is similar to two other games in my back catalogue… Consider this my "return to form"…
Incidentally, my 29th birthday happened just now, so as is expected, this is my birthday gift to you all.
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/9847 – Here's a new Leongame, "Tournament 2015", a quick Twine about meeting new friends on the road to sport champhood.
"The game only explains the fact that every creature explodes when they die with the words "DNA, TNT, same thing, right?""
"Look, all I want is for my body to drive everyone who sees me Absolutely Fricking Out Of Their Mind, which is scarcely that big an ask."
*realises how many fictional worlds don't have Pikachus in them* "I'm sorry… I'll need the rest of the day off."
*photo of a car* "A human in Speed Mode."
*photo of a house* "A human in Defense Mode."
You admit you only tried unbirthing (receiving) once, and mainly because you heard it would technically increase your number of birthdays.
"Videogames were made to repress our generation's powers," she says, telekinetically bouncing the ball and lifting jacks at blinding speed.
*downs the opponent* "A savage combo!"
*lays picnic blanket over opponent* "Obliteration!"
*pours out thermos of tea* "Utter obliteration!"
I know what they meant, but this is nonetheless somewhat unfortunate wording.
You poke a thick branch one second into the future. It snaps like a twig. So the beast is still there, just ahead of you.
The fifth and sixth walls of your house you forgot how to see, and only rediscovered when you moved out - obscured by your 3D possessions.
Not so much "touch myself" as "get in touch with myself, like an old and distant friend"
"You, er, remembered to wear velcro pants with this saddle, right?" asks your friend as the sky serpent you're riding begins a barrel roll.
Your partner's moved by the unspoiled beauty of your leg-hair wilderness, even as it vanishes into your stockings for the 50th day in a row.
"What? Surely you've seen a family-size toothbrush before. Now line up next to us and open wide!"
"Your answer is "Nothing rhymes with orange"? Aha! Wrong. The answer is "Meringue"." *completes pentagram and banishes you to Penalty World*
"Their insults depend on your party members, e.g "It's Larry, Moe and the mage!", "It's Tweedledum, Robot Tweedledum and Ninja Tweedledum!""
Placing a verb between two adverbs is known as a "verb sandwich", and makes your writing more appetising.
*suddenly farts audibly*
"S-sorry!"
*quickly plugs earphones into navel*
Biker witches aggressively revving their leaf-blowers
There they are – pants bulging with tails, shirts bulging with wings, hoodies bulging with horns. Your kind of people.
The Forever-Cold Guns Of Those Second To Draw
Each Other's Tears On Each Other's Cheeks
I Kissed The Lips That Kissed Death
A cryofreeze pod opens, and someone steps out, jabs the air, yells "How long does the thing TAKE to give me ice powers?!" and slams back in.
"Open this image of boobs trampling famous landmarks. If the faint chuckling noise you hear comes from the left, that one's your evil boob."
"Sadly, the patch that fixed my homicide values didn't end in a newline, so it had to be–" *opens wall revealing steamroller* "rolled back."
Your OCs foolishly only bought yellow bananas instead of green and now have to eat ten of them in midweek before they brown.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=1058893 – Your new body.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=33864023 – Your lover is a cloud of allergy-inducing pollen.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=41119283 – This is fanart of a character (right) from the anime Fun Fun Pharmacy, and I like her style.
"Stop putting googly eyes on genitals!! It's insulting!!" –new post on your account after you woke to find your phone next to your genitals.
Lampposts that mysteriously long to draw nutrients from the soil, and feel strongly that they should be absorbing light, not emitting it.
"Life is a mystery…" muses the Neohuman, before shedding their cape to unveil their "genetically perfect" nude body, "and I'm the answer!"
You and your enemy eye each other in the hot tub, pistols drawn below the surface – the oblivious party guests' banter washing past you.
"This is the first time I've ever used webcam chat. Sorry… I'm having a "flying cars" moment."
"…"
"OK. I'm over it. NO IM NOT THIS RULES!!"
"That washcloth's soaked in me," says the slime girl. You wring it out, and thick droplets shaped like her fall down screaming to the floor.
The world 7 boss scratches a back itch mid-sentence. It does a cool 675 damage! That shiver of danger you felt is why you're dating them!
Your partner's clothes are on the floor, and a weird portal has replaced the TV. You toss their clothes in and hope they escape by morning.
"I'd never had a body to call my own. Even now, I sometimes feel my arms, my head, and wonder who I'm possessing and when they'll wake up."
Voices on the radio discuss Earth's next dominant species. "Whoever they'll be, I hope they understand we had no control over our demise."
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=30985700 – Everyone's favourite 70's yokai band.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=22498761 – "Self-maintenance"
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=38166005 – "Air-to-air combat".
The procedure confirms it: you have zits on your heart. That's why you've been getting giddy teen crushes in your late thirties.
You and your rival catch each other doing naked demon-summoning, so, to your steaming frustration, neither of you can blackmail the other.
"Har! Ever since I imprisoned your friends in my arm tattoos, they've never looked better!" She flexes, and to your dismay, she's right.
"AIs don't age like humans do," replies the old AI, "but they slow down as more compatibility layers are added when they change hardware."
"I have many combat forms. Form of the Rocking Sphere. Form of the Plank. Form of the Softly Weeping Sphere. All available in an instant."
"Say the magic word."
"Fine. Give me the thing, _apology preemptively accepted_."
A perfect evening: a non-fiction cat in one hand, a glass of rain in the other, a roaring hot book, heavy wine outside, fire on your lap.
"Sorry, sir, but if you wanted to eat the pizza instead of fighting it, you shouldn't have ordered the highest difficulty topping."
"Still Around", in which GLaDOS breaks up with Chell but sings about how she's not gonna move out of their apartment (so don't try anything)
"Why didn't the rabbit get home insurance?"
*beatific smile*
"He already had a warrenty!"
*warm, harmonious stare*
The jury's hostile, you ate all your evidence in your sleep, and the prosecutor's possessed by history's finest orator, William Shakespeare.
"I was built here," she says. "For most of my life, I thought this lab was the whole world… When we destroy it, there'll be no world left."
"I'll have happy memories of this battle…" coughs your wizard foe, "when I'm old and grey…" before shattering into dozens of jagged shards.
Your degree has well-prepared you for shouting the URL of your client's website into seashells 8 hours a day, so that the ocean can hear it.
"You can finally return to your original form! Just drink this incredibly strong acid, then mold your newly gelatinous body as you like."
"Trees… a.k.a. "nature's deathtraps"! These deadly predators live in forests… "for" meaning "massacre", "est" meaning "waiting to happen"!"
Everyone at the orgy detaches their genitals and asks you to toss them in the washing machine. Squeals erupt when you accidentally use cold.
In which Markdown ruins human communication for the 1th time.
"Help me," your partner murmurs, "Join me. I can't enjoy this by myself. My body will surely pop from all this joy."
You kept your mouth closed when that burp came up, but it was so loud it didn't even matter!! Humanity is powerless to avert its own fate.
You may be the first human to experience climbing into a pore and letting a tide of hot sweat wash you up. Your mite friends are pleased.
The punk mech-knight parries your slash with her jet hammer while lighting her cigarette with the exhaust. N-now isn't the time for a crush!
Two dark knights at the fruit bar, one-upping each other by skewering more and more apples on their razor-sharp spiked pauldrons.
"H-hey, this isn't a fair fight," you mumble as your partner cuddles you through your tears. "I'm outnumbered, one to zero."
Rather than put your over-filled cup of tea down, you resort to pulling the book that opens the secret passage with your teeth.
You give your copilot the fearful look of one who'd been hypnotised into tying them up and playing them like a bass with a tickling-feather.
You imagine a drip of water in a vast pool to calm your mind – then, to attain bonus calmness, a thick saliva strand dripping in as well.
"Look," you say between both of your giggles, "if my nipples stiffen upward, they're defiant! Outward, they're sprightly! Inward, frenzied!"
"W-what? Why do I, Helpfaery, have almost the same name as Dark Sorceress Hellfaery? I, um… I… WHO THE HELL KNOWS?! AM I RIGHT OR WHAT?!"
Your robot partner splutters "How did you GROW that?" at your body, just like in the human/robot romcoms. You reply "Lots of water and sun".
The lost souls of the labyrinth have made the dead ends their makeshift homes. Some joke that once all the ends are filled, they can go free
You want to tell your date that their fragrance invoked a happy subliminal memory in you, so you didn't even care when they set you on fire.
Rows upon rows of surface-world houses, long ago ripped from their lawns and hurriedly stashed in these caverns – Earth's final suburb.
"Even the outdated prop newspapers are explained by characters remarking "A lot happened on June 4, 2008!" and "It rewards close reading!"."
"What do you call a fly that can't fly? Ha ha ha. They are semantic voids our minds cannot perceive. Hundreds of them could be on us right n
Time is passing 20% faster on your livestream than in reality. You hear yourself apologise and try to fix it.
No, they tell you, there are no non-lethal lasers, or pulses, or rays, or shields – not one shine or sparkle to touch in all this future.
You have no gifts for the hero, save the clothes on your back, and your body warmth in them. They take the warmth but toss away the clothes.
You hadn't noticed how chronic your regretful sighs had become, until your flaking arm skin blew off, revealing cold swirling winds beneath.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=337891 – I feel like the loose sketchy art style really makes this one what it is.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=174419 – My kind of ride.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=299794 – I'm usually loathe to append my own jokes to someone else's drawings, but this would be "How lesbian sex works".
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=3544224 – "Anomatherapy", punning off the Anomalocaris https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anomalocaris
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=11183033 – Newest hit pop duo.
"All of us have a tragic past that only winning this fighting tournament can mend. Me? An inoperable wound shaped like the champion's belt."
When you resigned, the agency confiscated the mech-suit that was the only thing controlling your effed-up weaponisable medical conditions.
6 months into the World's Biggest Crossword challenge and your whole team is stumped by 12,000 Across. You all sigh and update your résumés.
Having lost game 1 as Dark Cuddlebunny, the pro fightgamer switches to their high-tier main: Baby Cuddlebunny.
In October, the AI changes her username to "0 spooky 1 me". "Heh," she grins to herself, "it's 'cos I'm in a computer."
"Oh wow!" she remarks, "You didn't tell me you had bodies!"
"Ehh, it's just the one birth-body. I don't have a collection or anything."
Riddle me this, Kirby fans: are Poppy Bros. Jr. and Poppy Bros. Sr… brothers? Or father and son??? OR BOTH?!?
Your tests all conclude: during a full moon, your monster friends' increase in "power" is across the board, from Poker to Jenga to Twister.
You look left. Your ponytail taps your right shoulder. You look right. Your ponytail taps your left shoulder. This repeats for a long while.
"Our process is simple: you mail us a pint of your blood, we run 90,000 volts of electricity through it, and send it back, ready to inject!"
You had to discover which parts start your body, which keep it going, and which finish it – how to chase tiny eros fleeing across your form.
"First, I want to say that this footage of me injecting steroids directly into my smug-lip-curling muscle is taken entirely out of context –
"It's a shame Earth had no dominant species after the dinosaurs," mutters some algae.
"But–" you interrupt.
"NONE whatsoever," they insist.
You and your pal are punching your way through the Kingpin's 100-floor gym – paving a road to Heaven with flunkies' abs and nose-blood.
Finally, at age 30, you wore a dress for the first time, and, as you feared, it changed you into a cosmic superhero who bleeds rose petals.
Your computer refuses to play this episode because it's still on the previous season. You wait as it downloads all the episodes it missed.
The fairies' attack was doomed by bad intel. When they heard humans were six feet tall, they assumed the length of their own feet.
"Tell me there's SOMETHING in this apartment that can raise the boiling point of bathwater to 300°C," pleads your grumpy demon guest.
"Are you really a human? Where's your tyres? Your cement gland? Your hundred-foot steel arms? Make a skyscraper, please – just a small one."
The orb sneaks between its lover's legs and lifts them off the floor. Their scream, their scramble, their full-body grip makes it blush.
"From the depths of my heart, to the tip of my hand! I call on you, Fingerboop!!" you cry, before touching their nose and saying "boop".
Sleeping in a second-hand shop's bathtub full of unlabeled Game Boy carts was, in retrospect, not deserving of an entire autobio chapter.
The sex was under too much pressure when it was the only light in your murky lives. Now you both let it be as dark and gloomy as it needs.
Alien pop-culture saturation has led to contemporary human fiction regarding planet-devouring as a common passtime.
You explain that you're a load-bearing sleeper – your prone body is the only thing holding your bed together.
You're almost a free marionette – your strings are cut, except one on your neck. Actually, you'd like your puppetmaster to keep holding it.
You both slide into bed, then slide your phones into the phone-size bed on your nightstand.
When you both met again, you swore to stay together forever. In the end, you managed even longer than that: a full, sunny weekend.
You can't see in your cockpit, but you feel your pilot and their date, no doubt doing fleshy fool doings. Surrounded by your electric scorn!
Your roommates saw that hypnotic viral video and rescinded their old lives to become zany magicians. Half the rent is gone to handkerchiefs.
"A postmodern, artisanal AI that stares at the ocean day after day… Its hand-crafted perma-sorrow stirs the hearts of all gallery patrons."
As you comb, you ask yourself about the story of the kid whose personality changes just by parting their hair. You cackle wickedly in reply.
"Human time agents are altering 3 events: Big Butt Robot sitting on the White House, Big Butt Robot declaring war, and BBR ever being built"
"Shouldn't you be getting more sleep?" a voice asks. You ignore them as you dispose of pencil shavings in the black holes under your eyes.
The baroqueness of the NES's back catalog has always enchanted me, and hearing them explained is riveting, making sense of the ineffable.
http://www.twitch.tv/BestOfNES – There's a NES-only speedrun marathon going on if you're interested.
"My loyal subj- voters," stumbles the former queen turned president-elect, crown beneath a toupee, scepter covered in a suit-and-tie.
"OK, I know we just finished a whole year-long quest to turn ourselves human again, but… can we break for 5 min to do our makeup?"
"Agreed."
Which would you wear:
• Shirt w/ "shirt" written on it
• Shirt w/ "pants" written on it
• Shirt w/ picture of shirt w/ "pants" written on it
"Being impossibly beautiful is really just a hobby for me… just a minor interest… What really gives me joy is being utterly fricking evil."
As midnight passed, a flood of search queries flowed in: "revert cat auto-update", "stop cat open doors" and "how to disable extend-o-paws".
You always feel like you lost some memories in someone else's mind when you detach from the hive - even if they were really always theirs.
The village's wounded vampire warriors rush to you, strapped to the table. You're their secret salvation, their precious elixir of life.
I can't believe Bob Ross just caught the Zapdos *THE HOWLING OF THOUSANDS OF DOGS RISES LIKE THE VOICE OF GOD TO DROWN OUT THIS TWEET*
Your lover's person-shaped genitals detached and moved into your house-shaped genitals, and you can't get it to leave so you can break up.
"The popular robot mantra, "Nobody Built You", suggests that while your brain was manufactured, only you own your qualia, your interiority."
"You were a worthy foe. I'll download your fighting prowess!" she says, sticking a USB cord in your mouth and bendy-straws up your nose.