*paces around newly unwrapped featureless onyx monolith* "Where the hell is the 'Get this party started' button?!"
The Book of RPG NPC Random Walk Algorithms
* Tested and accurate!
* All NES and SNES RPG engines represented!
* Easy to implement!
"It takes 35 years to become so skilled a surgeon that you're allowed to somersault over the patient's table instead of walking around."
You're naked, the jet engine in front of you is about to fire, and you ~really~ hope you're not in the control group for this experiment.
The people in this lavish high-fantasy world won't even turn their heads for any lizard smaller than a dump truck.
Big weird poles are always VITAL destinations. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=33233367)
"Studies have shown that huge silhouetted crosses should be tilted at exactly 20 degrees to ensure the imagery is maximally grimdark."
You gradually forgot what the living world's sky looked like. Overhead, your mind only conjured a blue sheet smeared with white paint.
You were issued a seashell that whispers what you'd be doing now were you still alive. You hurled it away after a week, as most folks do.
When asked to pick your punishment, you chose "Cuddles from Hell!". You have far too many ideas about what that could possibly mean.
"The 'treasure mart' where strong upgrades are hidden in sub-menus… The 'trick mart' full of inferior upgrades and deceptive descriptions…"
"Mart subgenres arose… The 'plot mart' with its own ongoing story… The 'lifesim mart', where NPCs' social standing rose the more you spent…"
"Browser game upgrade shops became known as 'marts', and their art assets, NPC banter and design grew to eclipse that of the actual levels…"
"A few, however, encounter an unwanted side-effect: by seeing their home as others see it, they are overcome with discomfort and inadequacy"
"Some partake in a drug that inhibits familiarity of their own home, so that for an hour they can live the fantasy of being a burglar."
Your Incandeskull's Omnicide Blast XVI only annihilated 26 bystanders. The enemy Phagiacrypt is killing 72 per hit! You're not even trying.
You sadly admit that the only way this Li'l Sooky will ever become competitively viable is by covering 98% of its skin with Bazooka Gems.
Breeding a Baby Pupu that knows Nightmare Hail XIII is an arduous process. If even one baby is born with Cutie Kiss I, you gotta start over.
Pokémon tweet:I like that Shedinja's Wonder Guard is actually less effective at protecting it than one other ability:
You arrive to find your potted fern isn't home.
Oh. Right. That work convention.
You quietly curl up in its vacant pot and wait for sleep.
You wrote in your planner to mourn the part of yourself that thought the world had safe places, but in all the rush, you never got the time.
To think you thought this cosmic wand so fragile, you reminisce as you crack a shadowbeast's skull, that you yelped as it fell off a table!
"The player character finally finds a monitor with the game's controls config screen, which it kicks and breaks in hope of freeing itself."
"Only 20 minutes in, after you find an object to pick up, do you notice your hands are knotted pipe-cleaners taped to wobbling broom poles."
My main concern about using Grunt.js for this project is that every time I see its name, I end up thinking about Banjo-Kazooie.
The west exit leads to freedom. The east exit goes to a fiery brimstone archway marked "An audiovisual experience unlike any other."
>EAST
CombatBots' extremely high visual ranges mean that their rainbows cover half the sky and transfix the hearts of even their coldest units.
The king had two genius architects build two labyrinths – and trapped each in each other's creation! But, because they were ~secret lovers~,
Shaking the genie's bottle really hard to see if it explodes up into a super-genie that will give you a mega-wish.
Pokémon tweet: I enjoy reading the Smogon forums and seeing how excited everyone's getting about DEFOG, of all things.
Is this just another A/B test, or has Twitter finally given up and removed Direct Messages altogether?
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/65368132909/yume-nikki - If you think there's something unusual about this update… check the image filename.
"G-go away… I don't need a sweater… I'm i-increasing my cold tolerance. Look, it's a-almost hit maximum!" *holds up upside-down thermometer*
You commune with the Flat Design spirits… Gossamer-thin sans-serifs shine white… Colour fields so uniform you see your eye's imperfections…
(The previous tweet refers specifically to either Ruby/Sapphire or X/Y, depending on which you are more acquainted with.)
Pokémon tweet: I think the reason your rival is so vacuous is because they're the "alternative player", and must be an equally empty vessel.
This tweet takes place 5 years before the events of tweet #15,121, and finally unveils its characters' dark backstories and hidden pasts.
You need happy thoughts to power up this cosmic laserblast, but one of your friends reblogged your ex 5 minutes ago and it's shaken you up!
Your hairclip crystals deflect the psychic blast, but one pops, streaking your hair with fuchsia souljuice. You decide you can work with it.
I like how the magical girl seifuku has evolved from school seifuku similar to how the magician's costume evolved from 1800s dinner suits.
Until the succession crisis is over, both candidate princes must be tied together and the crown balanced astride each one's head equally.
Due to bad planning, the World Council vote to rename Earth was held at midnight on Halloween. "Screamsville" won by 2 million ghost votes.
You and your shadow suddenly realise you haven't seen your echo in weeks. You don't even know how to contact it, since its name is yours.
A night when only your shaver is there to comfort you… Nuzzling your cheek, purring contentedly, as you and your reflection exchange glares…
A tiny hurricane escapes the terrarium and runs over your desk. You frantically gulp up your tea so you can gleefully trap it in the teacup.
Pokémon tweet: why don't they just give Delibird an ability that doubles all its stats during December 24th?
This company's so rich, it hired a tree-spirit to inhabit the plants in its lobby. Its job description is just "make things more spiritual."
Vampires must carefully entrance their thralls – make them willing to play co-op videogames, but not so much that their skills are impaired.
The first time they tried to dissect you, your blood ate a vast hole in the floor, letting you escape. "Thanks blood," you whispered, dazed.
Cornered, you're forced to scale the cliff. Roll 3 dice to determine the result. (Choose for yourself which numbers mean success or defeat.)
You get to the beach and find the sea and the shore don't actually meet, with a seam of roiling darkness between them. So much for swimming!
It's Monday morning and you pressed the car's "turn wheels into skis" button while still on the up-slope instead of the down-slope. Great!!
CombatBots at dinner settings try to fit in by vapourising their meals with their eye-lasers – obscuring it with their arms, for politeness.
He announces he "needs some fresh air", walks to the back of the plane, takes a pogo stick, and hops out. Minutes later, he steps back in.
Inviting your former enemies to your birthday so you can beat them up again has backfired! Their presents are too precious to fight around!
She struggles not to smile. She's torturing your legs in the footsies game under the table, but your faces of agony will make hers squirm.
You gasp as the royal executioner gives you the customary "goodbye kiss" – you'd commit your crimes a thousand times over for just one more!
Oh, the symmetry of coins spilling from your plunder-pack as the royal treasury's war-snails chase you… silver trails pursuing gold!
The dryad keeps using her Poison Kiss move even though you bought 99 Antidotes. She knows you won't be able to resist taking the 100th kiss.
"That's it." *throws in the towel* *the towel rises up, assumes fighting stance* "Watch out - when it comes to pain, it's super absorbent!"
You spend days marching over the Nazca lines that etch your lover's face. Oh, that you could have just one second with these birds' sight!
Wearing the tiny mouse's shadow instead of your own, you walk through the field of laser sensors, their light unimpeded by your body.
Your stab did nothing, so it seems you were wrong that a monster this huge could only be an inflated balloon. Well, so much for being alive.
It's a race to get these shackles off before all your escapology knowledge is transfused out of you and into your triumphant magician rival!
To make it a fair duel, she agreed to fight while buried to her neck. Your defeat began when her disarming smile brought you to your knees.
A grown man whimpering and begging a swaying Jenga tower to accept his trembling fingers as a shadowy audience watches him risk $20 million.
You try and slip out of bed without waking your blankets, but just before you can slide out, they roll over and drag you helplessly back in.
You're tied up atop the strength tester pole. Below, she raises her sledgehammer. If your swansong must be one note, you hope it rings loud.
"Dispense with the pleasantries, captain." *music stops* *party balloons quietly deflate* *confetti levitates back into ceiling packet*
After years of indentured servitude, you finally pay for the field of mattresses to catch your family on their Intercontinental Cannon ride.
A child of the 50th century will look to the sky knowing more corpses are floating in the vacuum than were ever lost in all of Earth's seas.
A geomancer communing with an asteroid must try to speak a language that can only express solitude and alienation. It takes a psychic toll.
if the sylphs responsible for generating this colony's wind get rowdy, they're vented into space temporarily to "let all their energy out".
It's a washing machine, but the word 'wash' is crossed out and replaced with 'kill'.
Turn on?
* [[ok|die]]
* [[sure|die]]
* [[why not|die]]
Even with enough mana left to ease your pain, you use it all to hide the bloodstains. No one can find out… Your parents must never find out…
Your cosmic wand is holding your wound closed, but if you let go, it'll turn back into a tiny hairclip. You try and crawl with one hand.
You sure ain't using your last breath to pass on your cosmic powers to your high school rival, so you crawl bleeding in the other direction.
#IPlayed Cigar Aficionado http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/6410 Most advanced disdainful-smoke-blowing combat engine in living memory.
"Could it be that these are 'unauthorised' or 'third-party' spells, as some purists claim? Spells created against God's holy Standards?"
"We know a few of the 'unlisted spells', like RAGBAO to make shopping bags unwrap themselves… but why does the Magica Biblia not list them?"
"Mirror selfies, arm's-length selfies, timer selfies, webcam selfies… These four cosmic elements make up all this world's matter…"
They later called it a big-endian/little-endian byte order bug, but all you knew was you'd teleported into the enemy's war room upside-down.
Putting 100% of your skill points into Suplexing may've gotten you far, but the Gelatine Queen is just laughing off your most brutal moves!
Keep on truckin'.
"Just come down off a happiness trip… yup, never gonna do THAT emotion again, let me tell you."
Fire titans sword-fighting and trying to slash the heavenly firmament above the opponent, sending the sky's water pouring down on them.
Is there a name for the paradox of being unconvinced to consume some media, unless and until you look up what the big twist at the end is?
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/YumeNikki-Transition.gif - Yume Nikki.
"Parents won't let their kids near Daddy's rocket launcher – but don't know that rocket-jumping with water balloons is almost as dangerous!"
The worst part of a nymph stealing your Ring of Cartoonish Strength is being punched up out of your clothes and turned into a distant star.
"The Really Quite Bad Beast only eats the concept of naughtiness – but it doesn't care about swallowing the tiny packages it comes in!"
"The new Queen may wear a crown of any size – even one big enough for her to hide inside like a turtle when a boring head-of-state visits."
"It's not clear in the game, but the goombas in SMB1 kill Mario by trapping him in an awkward social conversation until the timer runs out."
"If an actor dies while performing, they have to remain in-character in the afterlife forevermore. It's the profession's greatest risk."
You read a science article saying Gender Omega has orgasms so powerful, they'd turn men's brains to fried goo that dribbles out their nose.
"I believe," he continued, "we can safely say that an adult is in 'perpetual adolescence' until the first time they fire a subordinate."
"Use your science sledgehammer to solve puzzles by warping reality! (Reality is made entirely of thin steel plates.)"
I watched the Adventure Time episode "Frost and Fire" and liked it a lot. This was a good week for Leon consuming media and being useless.
Psybersquid hearts only beat once per Earth year. They say the only way to kill one is to have it instantly fall in love, and skip a beat.
You know in your heart that these "Come with me to a lawless island of fanciful plants and beasts" messages are just spam, but just imagine…
And this possible future feature lets you test-play a Twine game using the selected passage as the first passage.
Still feeling pretty sore about how long it took me to find that key… Bleeding everywhere from my wounded pride…
Death Area's only flying beings are sky-wraiths. Their metaphors for freedom and boundlessness are tied to black cloaks and fiery skulls.
"Games can't be art until the act of shooting a rocket at a helicopter gunship hard-cuts to the act of telescoping a mop to wipe a ceiling."
If Pac-Man had eyes, he would, like the ghosts, be immortal. The game's highly abstract graphics show how Pac-Man navigates solely by scent.
You're near a temporal distortion, all right. The time demons in your wristwatch are quarreling fiercely about how long the last second was.
Since the flight's half an hour ahead of schedule, the pilot parks it on a cloud and lets everyone out to enjoy the view.
(This also sorta brings to mind a personally memorable quote from Fun Home: )
Maybe it's just that the basic theme of "fiction and fantasy as self-realisation" is one that I find especially relatable.
I guess that's because it's an example of Sam discovering herself, through herself? A glimpse of her identity at the moment it's being born?
#IPlayed Gone Home. It maybe says something odd about me that I found the most personally poignant bit was the evolution of Captain Allegra.
(I eventually found it, but only after being painfully reduced to a shred of my former self, melted down in the pixel-hunter's caldera.)
Why did I think I could survive outside of the "no locks" difficulty. Why did I think I could shake the pillars of Heaven?
OK, It's been 90 minutes and I'm becoming seriously concerned about my inability to find any more keys. I badly underestimated this game.
Does the indie fixation with pixel art have no limits???
Glider PRO reference: secured.
This particular kind of bug is so familiar to me, it's almost homely and welcoming.
This menu item will let you run a Twine project without having to save it to a specific filename first.
"In the end, we are all erotically crushed to death in the World's armpit, but we each get to decide which perfumes to offer her first."
"Only one bird dared peck at the core of the Fruit of Knowledge. And now–" *flips to photo of penguin* "–you know the rest of the story."
"It's curtains for you!" cries the Queen of Thespians as her lead-lined curtain descends on your body, pinned to the stage by trick swords.
~STOAT FACT~
Stoats are the only mammal that synthesises nutrients by inflicting physical pain.
The phrase "it's changing my life" is changing my life.
The stone-to-flesh spell only imperfectly cures a basilisk's curse… Survivors must live with flesh-hair, flesh-clothes, and other anomalies.
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Diploma - "In Pokémon Yellow, if a player owns a Game Boy Printer, they may print out a copy of their diploma."
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Kanto#Demographics - I like that Bulbapedia lists the total NPC populations of every Pokémon city and town.
Microgame compilation of the Top 50 Most Gripping Moral Decisions in Videogames.
I'm just going to assume that Steel beating Fairy in the new Pokémon games is a reference to cold iron.
If creativity is a form of omnipotence, you feel like you ought to be astonished that your own omnipotence is so very, very limited.
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Deoxys_(Pokémon)#Sprites - Deoxys's one weird arm in Ruby never really made sense to me, so I'm glad the Diamond sprites clarify it.
The realisation, after escaping, that you don't need to tend your body as a future vessel for the Summoned One anymore – it's yours forever.
"The Days of the Week are as powerful and fearsome in the game as they are in real life."
You discover, over months, that you can stain your cell walls in ways the cleansers cannot fully obliterate. You can alter your environment.
My style of reviewing is to list tiny details that stuck out the most, and hope people extrapolate an overarching, greater meaning from them
I am unfamiliar with the word but I really grasp the feeling this presumably refers to – the sense of loss unrecoverable, never to be saved.
I also like how she introduces to me the French word "perdu": "This means not just lost but ruined, undone, wasted, wrecked and spoiled."
Fun Home review: I liked Bechdel calling her lover "a being of colossal strengh and ferocity, to whom the law of man and God meant nothing."
I was going to buy Gone Home tonight, but instead I read Fun Home. The zany antics are going a mile a minute here at Leon HQ.
"I can't wait," he thought to himself, "to spend the rest of my adult life making up for the time I'm losing right now, this very moment."
You were lucky to get an apartment on floor 7,602. You knew friends who got the mid-12,000s. You can gaze at the ground on clear nights.
"GOOFS:
* The title screen's background pattern features shapes that do not exist.
* Once a game starts, it is impossible to ever end it."
"Since time travel to the past can be thought of as "bringing the dead back to life", all of the Historical levels are filled with zombies."
Your packpack holds all of your pack-mounted devices – jetpack, heli-pack, parachute, leafblower, flamethrower, one-man-band, you name it.
"This object can kill any one you want. But, as you won't be convicted for the crime, you must live knowing law and justice is but a sham!"
"Being the hero of a deep valley realm means never having a sunset to ride or stare into… This is my burden… Only I can walk this road…"
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/64804979611/jumpman - This game is actually quite visually fascinating.
It was custom, after losing a limb while slaying a HumanBot, to take its limbs for yourself. The bots eventually began to ape this practice.
The nightly news plays its opening song and doesn't stop – enraptured in its booming notes, the actual news becoming a distant, bad memory.
The real reason to fill Dracula's mouth with garlic before staking him is to stop the "I'll get you nerds next time!" speech he always does.
The clouds would be keen to harden and stop your unwilling plummet, if you'd only explain exactly what "too hard" and "not hard enough" are.
"Upper-class sword duelists customarily wear ornate cloaks that restrict arm movement. A duel is initiated by slicing it off your opponent."
A Pokémon game where you just travel between cities in an ordinary car – but since you're too young, your mons have to drive it.
"Be sure to exercise your sad glands many times per day, every day, and you'll soon be able to feel crushing sadness with no effort at all!"
"You must knock the offensive packet (ball) into the security proxies (bricks), and if you get it behind them it'll knock out a ton at once"
"The advent of virtual reality meant humans could perceive more realities than ever before. VR users began to develop godlike intelligence."
Deep in the swamp of temp files, you unearth a buried prog: .SPELL
>SPELL
You do not have execute permissions. You need the red password.
Smiling, she steps forward and clips through your body. The inside of her model is textured pure black. All you can see is her darkness.
Don't worry, Flat Design will rapidly cede to Quirky Hand-Drawn Design, where the elements have wobbly pencil outlines and slanted labels.
It seems to be one of those long tunics with that weird sack at the top that they keep their heads in so they don't fall off.
"Well, you could be proud of how your lap managed to catch that entire plateful of spaghetti, like a ninja! Not even a drop hit the carpet!"
"The $15,000 tier sees contestants wrestle shadow versions of themselves. None have won… Shadow selfs are just better than us in every way…"
"Just ask yourself "Would I be enjoying this if I were myself?" and if so, mentally convince yourself that you'd want to continue doing it."
"When you open a 'window' in a computer, have you wondered what's on the other side??" *diagram of Doom demons flying toward preschoolers*
"Families worshipping computer monitors… Doorways being replaced with giant USB ports… Dystopian future, or a reality only we can prevent?!"
You see an ugly flower and shout "Make like your lovers and BUZZ OFF!" Whoa! You've never been this mean before! The power…! Intoxicating…!
This game's kinda cute, but since I'm only two sessions in, I haven't really "gotten it" yet.
Interrogating by whispering secret after secret into the suspect's ear until their secrecy buffer overflows and their own secrets pour out.
A timid image file meeting with a graphics program to find out what it looks like, hoping this will give it a sense of identity and self.
If a level 160+ wizard says something, it WILL come true in the next 30 seconds. If it is contradictory, the universe usually explodes.
Level 94+ wizards are not actually required to die when killed, but can be tricked into willingly doing so by "calling them chicken".
Struggling to fit the handcuff on the rancorous skeleton's wrist, you give up and thread it through its eye sockets. It sighs, outmatched.
"Of course, evidence in wizard cases is kept on file for 40,000 years… Those cases are grave burdens we must carry down the generations…"
You sense a drill machine, miles away and far below. Eagerly, you load the flare gun and shoot it into the ground.
OK, things are looking dire, but if you can survive until the boss uses its Utter Doom Laser on you, your health insurance should cover it.
"WORDS OF MOTIVATION
Maybe the next time you blow your nose, you'll finally manage to sneeze out your brain, just like you secretly hoped."
I think it'd be neat if in all future Pokémon games Corsola was permanently coral-bleached white.
Sword-fighting on tightrope. Your brains are both shouting "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T YOU DARE CUT THE ROPE" and you both know it.
Sword-fighting in a sword factory…! Grab 'em hot off the belts, two at a time! Rapiers, katanas, a new one each swing! You're both cackling!
Sword-fighting atop the Bulgebeast's belly is a matter of making your foe drop their sword. It treats unkindly whoever dares jab its belly.
You do a tarot reading with your roommate's deck. You draw Dunno, Shrug, and Figure It Out Yourself. You sigh and search for your real deck.
I'm glad flat design has its own website http://fltdsgn.com/ but now I'm trying to find embossed design and skeuomorphism's websites.
You astral-project out of the giant spider web and get stuck in the giant spider's dream-catcher. Close this book and shake your head sadly.
"Who let these prank games into this jam?! This one's a .txt reading 'Imagine a cool game, then pretend you just finished it'! Intolerable!"
You suddenly wonder aloud how these rolling spike balls can even roll with all those spikes on them. Your game console starts sweating dust.
What I'm a little excited about is that this is the first Klik of the Month since the release of Puzzlescript (http://www.puzzlescript.net/).
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/6349 - Klik of the Month, your chance to make something crappy without fear of the QualityBots razing you with heat beams.
You ask which position is being offered. They say a supporting pillar in the east hallway. You say you were a retail store desk for 5 weeks.
You step into the interview room. A slow, soft voice asks you to forget all life outside this company. You eagerly and effortlessly comply.
The biggest mystery in Pokémon by far is how come this utter joke of a move still exists http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Razor_Wind_(move)
In adventuregameland, any character deprived of a player's neutralising touch will slide down into zany NPC-hood regardless of personality.
I was also sorta charmed by the flagrant ridiculousness of Phoenix becoming an eccentric Willy Wonka-esque puppet-master in the 7-year-skip.
Also the idea that the courts have degenerated into literal shouting matches may've been the reason why the rival prosecutor is a rock star.
I played Apollo Justice and I feel like his "vocal chords of steel" as parody of Phoenix's objection-shouting was played a bit too subtly.
The dreams of combat and glory that led them on this quest are ringing false. Their foresight is proving skewed, distorted, untrustworthy.
The hero senses something has changed in this place they have never explored. False memories of a different world afflict their every step.
What if the way in which Zelda 1's second quest twists and subverts memories of the first quest had been codified in the story somehow?
Since the computer controls all the enemy characters, it decides to make every one of them have its face. You find it a little unnerving.
"What if a cynical teen was zapped into the happy world of a beloved videogame? If you thought 'poetic justice', our nation's judges agree!"
When you die your soul is put in Thoth's slingshot and launched at a stack of Box2D entities representing your earthly sins.
The great Cosmos Valkyrie lost the Cosmowand, the source of her power, in a tug-of-war with a two-year-old who threw ice-cream on her hands.
This bio-spaceship has just noticed you've hijacked it from its owner-pilot. You try to keep steering it while it chews on your spacesuit.
You ask if the game was playing with your characters while you were away. It asserts they were covered in digestive juices when you'd saved.
Chess fell into obscurity on the creation of Gentlemanly IQ Duel, an RTS where you kill pieces by reciting the Pythagorean theorem quickly.
You find a sorry gang of former phone-book memorisers… To think these athletes once had the President grovel at their feet… Long time gone…
You visit Has-Been Alley… Burnt stars and wash-ups languish here… Dog actors comically cover their heads in shame, but only at themselves…
It's a tiny apartment… You just put blankets on the Dark Altar and sleep on that.
Well, it gives "Now I lay me down to sleep" a new spin…
"Do not jokingly say that you'll pay a slime girl 'through the nose' unless you're ready for a retaliatory Slime Finger Sinus Smasher."
After decades, there finally came a game of Soccer where the ball won. Freed from their curse, they all left Earth for their home dimension.
Make-Up Sex For One
http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/4/4a/Leaf_Storm.png - Wait a minute… Bulbapedia's attack images are animated PNGs?? So they only animate in Opera and Firefox?!
How did I not know or suspect these two universities had archaic Latin-derived collective nouns for their members.
"We had this case all wrong! The victim didn't kill the suspect! It must have been the other way around!"
*Chief of Police starts to cry*
http://gs.statcounter.com/#digg_vs_reddit-ww-monthly-201209-201309 - Why the heck does StatCounter still have a "Digg vs. Reddit" graph.
"The widespread frog vomit themes in his tweets can be attributed to his bedroom window overlooking a kilometre-wide AmphibiSpew Factory."
"That man you know is little more than Satan in flesh… for behold…" *opens door to room of toothpaste tubes that were squeezed from the top*
The shame of coming to your high school reunion and all your classmates have become shimmering dragons that only speak the World's Tongue.
A cyborg leaving her brain on the windowsill to cool, only for a rascally cyborgkid to steal it and use it to factor some juicy primes.
"We all know good detectiving is about collecting a lot of witnesses and making them all fight the suspect's witnesses in a massive brawl."
"We saw footage of the suspect's mouth massively enlarging and eating the victim, and since she's in the room with us we're letting her go."
Royal etiquette states that guests may not leave the table while the King is messily playing on the Giant Cake Big Enough To Climb On.
The 'health', 'life', 'power' and 'HP' meters on your HUD jostle against each other, vying for supremacy as the game's sole health bar.
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/6375 - This is a basic Twine randomness function which I personally prefer to use over other randomness macros.
A user's Tweet count is equal to their Exp value, and their Followers are the odds (out of 10,000,000) they drop a Sword of Kings on defeat.
http://margalot.tumblr.com/post/64147707938/inktober-12-pokemon-x-y-sorry-ive-been - Trying hard to not enjoy this as much as I apparently do.
How'd I know this was a thecatamites game https://twitter.com/gTrWx/status/390161114321149952 just from the title??? *holds fingers to temples as theremin music plays*
~STOAT FACT~
Stoats are the only type of physical matter which can manifest out of nothing, anywhere, at any time, no matter where you are.
"I've confiscated the murder weapon as evidence…" *holds up the entire Earth in a zip-lock bag*
"The stains aren't blood! They're Be-In-Two-Places-At-Once Juice! THAT'S how he did both murders!" *hurls magnifying glass into fireplace*
The stars are armed with giant tennis racquets to mischievously knock away the lowly humans who Shoot for the Moon and Miss.
var a = new Date("When the Sun's lover devours the East after the Twelve Days of Darkness, and the Stars unfold, and I am risen again.");
A runtime trying so hard to type-coerce a string to an integer that it eventually just guesses 5 and fretfully hopes it's correct.
You purchased an ancient Facebook account for just this situation. You place a Like in the statue's tithing bowl and the temple door opens.
"We can trust her with the Bunnificator Gun. It says on the side it only works on enemies!" *she lifts a finger revealing it says FRENEMIES*
To prove you are brave enough to ride the Doomcoaster, you have to confront an animatronic Dracula in the waiting hall and ask it on a date.
You gradually notice that all the activities you'd once considered leisure and entertainment you now mentally regard as "self-maintenance".
The moment every cat GIF loops is always one second before a whole horde of non-photogenic squirrels rushed into the room and wreaked havoc.
You shall transcribe on the Typewriter of Torment! The vowels are superheated, the consonants razor-edged, and Return is in a serpent's maw!
As you lean to kiss, your lips fall to the floor. As you reach, your fingers slide off. As you blush, your cheeks peel away like paper.
"Act 2 sees you clear your name of the false charge of ninjacide. You do this by fighting ninjas with the word 'lawyer' hovering over them."
"Unforgettable arcade memories… Meteor Bomb, Frog Amok, Toad Havoc, Comet Bang, Frog Amok 2, Meteor Bomb Vs. Frog Amok… A lost golden era…"
He didn't realise until later that the Ablution of Eternal Beauty doesn't provide full coverage if you only bathe in it up to your neck.
"Not many people can boast that their prolonged feeling of inescapable panic has five-nines uptime."
The high point of the Ace Attorney series localisation.
"Take two US states, remove two letters used in their abbreviation from each, and bam, fantasy character name. Ework Onana! Linois Arylan!"
#Iplayed Stoat Adventure https://twitter.com/Amon26/status/381021846482604032 I like the conceit that the "game" is leaking memory and you have to win before it crashes.
I speak fluent Adventuregame, and in my opinion that really should have worked.
I needed to show a picture of where a man was wounded, and the correct location was "his eyes" so I showed a photo of a woman named Iris.
The downpour of lava was the mountain's first and only work of art - its nervous, messy contribution after millenia of silent contemplation.
"Our lasers only become deadly once they travel three feet. As long as we're both wielding them, we're trapped with each other, aren't we?"
It feels like a far cry from the stances in her Brawl http://www.ssbwiki.com/images/e/eb/Samus_SSBB.jpg and Melee http://www.ssbwiki.com/images/f/fb/Samus_SSBM.jpg renders.
http://www.smashbros.com/images/character/samus/main.png - To be honest, I'm a bit perturbed that Samus has such a feminine stance in this Smash Bros. render.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/63762428904/jumpman - I like to cross my eyes while watching this.
(I'm not even just talking about taking back moves. The vital speed-up button is excellent for skimming especially turgid text blocks.)
Right now I'm asking myself "why did I ever think playing the Phoenix Wright games WITHOUT an emulator was a good idea?" and grin-shrugging.
"Thanks to the latest research, we now know the "Garden" of Eden was actually more of a shining steel factory zone full of giant pistons."
Guess that's just what you deserve for offering yourself to a beast's jaws!! Gullible fool!!
It must be the beast's venom still in you that makes you think beast-thoughts… Revenge fantasies, pain wishes… Thoughts alien to your mind…
No more than 20 feet from the sea, the river suddenly u-turns back inland and renounces its destiny to make it big in the big city.
"The "wakeup" videos showed hardcore gamers persuading NPCs they were simulations - many of whom did not know of computers, or even dreams."
"By 2013 all videogame NPCs were fully sentient AIs. Beings as smart as humans were running potion shops and getting shot by the millions."
These odd coloured shapes on this boxer's arm mean that when he spins it like a propeller for a knockout punch, it forms the sponsor's logo.
"In the event of a draw (both boxers KO each other at once, then fall toward and prop each other's bodies upright) no prize will be awarded"
"A modern gun filled with technology. Jet-propelled bullets no one can outrun. Builtin computer that tells you if killing is moral (it is)."
"You vacantly clicked a link, and now a website's making popups appear in real life and levitating you with full physics privileges. Uh-oh!"
"Did that small child just tell me to 'make my own solution' instead of telling me how to escape this vast maze of bland office corridors?"
"How did that truck with 'THE ANSWERS' on the side vanish down that alley? Why do people keep leaping through window panes to ambush me?"
"Why do these strangers ask if this is my 'eighth iteration'? Why did no one notice that lamp post transform into a tower of suited gunmen?"
"Why do I have three US presidents' driver's licenses in my wallet? Why is the bomb strapped to my chest set to go off in the year 2107?"
"Questions fill my mind. Who am I? What city is this? How did those men I shot peel off their bullet wounds and flick them away, laughing?"
Little do these beachgoers suspect that every one of these rays you're soaking up is vital to your sinister plan of getting totally relaxed.
"If you think I'm tricking you into blowing up parts of my brain, you'll be pleased that my Reverse Psychology Unit is in the next room."
"All my memories of the good times we had together were in those drives you just vapourised. I should thank you. They were holding me back."
Your brain knows its priorities: regretfully thinking of her must ALWAYS come before repelling this magma hydra with psychic concentration.
Bedding companies are vying to see who will supply the huge pile of pillows on the impact site of the approaching giant skull-shaped meteor.
They bury your ankles in the cement, paint you chrome, and glue a "Give Way" sign on your face! Your quest ends at the Department of Roads.
You're folded into a ball, parceled up, and overnight-mailed home! Your quest to be town wrestling champ has ended at the Post Office.
The family was late for the lottery broadcast, and rushed to cluster all the house's lucky heirlooms around the TV as the numbers came up.
"Please ignore walls marked 'crash into this'. Those are graffiti left by highly skilled vandals. The real Crash Goals always add 'please'."
That moment when you opened the chest, beheld its treasure, and realised it won't even cover the long-term care for your adventure injuries.
You now live in a timeline where you threw your gun, it hit a rock, fired the bullet you miscounted, shot your belt, and dropped your pants.
"The pirates are closing in on the habitation deck. Think… how quickly can we bio-engineer the cat into some kind of sentient acid pistol?"
You wish the people on Earth were here to see your Fabulous Final Hero costume, not just this huge wizard lobster hurling meteors at you.
"Sure y'ain't eyeing any golden geese nests?" said the hardware store cashier. The cuckoo bluffed a laugh, then took the gold spray-paint.
Rather than try to get the Earth turning again, each side invested in satellites – the Day side's Sky Curtain, the Night side's MicroSun.
Your magic beam slices through the netherbeast's body. It bleeds cards and paper cups. Blobs of inky flesh turn into doves and fly away.
One person could be have an Endure/Reversal team. Another could have a team of Lock-On/Horn Drill mons. Another could have Rest/Sleep Talk.
Why can't the Pokémon Elite Four be themed after specific move combos instead of just yet more element types?
Counting the anatomy errors in these artworks… Two right hands, head on back-to-front, jaw higher than mouth, both nostrils are 'out' only…
A folder of sordid drawings that imagine clothing is removable… People peel it off without dying… You're alarmed at how interested you are…
"Flying into battle on a shimmering moonbeam is all well and fancy, but if you'd put credit on your bus pass you'd've arrived way earlier."
You loose another bolt of moon power into the centipede-thing. Above, the halfmoon ebbs into a crescent. Damn, it'll take days to grow back.
"The trees think they know hugs, but they are hugged only by the wind - and though it grips them tight, it leaves them cold and shorn."
"Give me the paper, give me a vest, and give me a mug reading 'simply the best'."
"Sing me a jingle, sing me a song, but don't singe the paper that the melody's on."
Twine 2 thing. (Clicking any toad turns the last into a frog, and clicking any frog turns the first into a toad.)
Your 18th birthday is here, and the police have come to customarily exile you from the village. Your parents look so proud as they cuff you.
I'm a little disappointed that the final check just won't fly, but nevertheless…
"The game uses the word "mayors" instead of "bosses" - a faint hint that the bizarre abstract levels are actually monster towns and cities."
"Use the shampoo chosen by millions of consumers! Imagine the world's hands scrubbing your scalp! Feel your connection to humanity again!"
"An epic quest awaits you. Hours of gameplay are growing impatient by the second. An expansive world is maybe gonna just start without you."
Only during the night after the battle do you think to wonder who wove the gully monster's well-fitting, clearly handmade armour.
Sorta reminds me of @FwugRadiation. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=33945597)
I did it. I beat Javascript. I'm watching the end credits right now.
Ah, it's even better in Chrome because the native function is conveniently named.
I'm having some fun playing with the Javascript console, fun that a less jury-rigged language wouldn't provide.
Thank you unironically, HTML5, for adding this vital attribute to the <a> element.
"Stare at the Explanation Screen until you achieve enlightenment. Do not wipe away the Enlightenment Blood that may trickle from your eyes."
Super Smash Bros. newcomers I would actually be interested in:
* Lip from Panel de Pon
* TF2 Demoman
* anthropomorphic Ten Billion Barrel
You punch the wall, but only your fist is dented. No evidence of your outburst remains, except on yourself, where only you can read it.
When you speak, all you can hear are the windswept chasms between your words - the howls swallowed, the cries trapped behind your teeth.
You've been getting along without that arm for so long, it almost no longer hurts to see your ex wearing it, waving with it, every day.
The knight ominously draws his sword. You badly one-up him by emptying your entire backpack on the ground - swords, seeds, goblets, the lot.
This entire anthropology paper is predicated on an old children's rhyme about getting stomped on by giant frogs being historically accurate.
"When I was a baby my ma threw me in a tubful o' bad luck, like her ma did to her, and each generation 'fore. It's said to bring good luck!"
"Look at how many hours are gone!" shouts your game console. "Soon today won't have any left to play me!" A controller slithers over to you.
The north wind in the untended virtualscape blows endlessly. Soon so much air will gather in the south, it'll be too thick to walk through.
If it had been named something super-explicit like ".prototypeOfConstructedObjects", I'm sure it would've saved me a lot of befuddlement.
For me the single most confusing part of Javascript was the naming of the function ".prototype" property in its constructor pattern.
I'm feeling happy about the features I'm adding to Twine 2, but that may just be engineer's pride and not an indication of actual utility.
It's tradition for teen couples to drive to "Lover's Chasm", a gorge said to be so far from Heaven that sins of the flesh will pass unseen.
"$3 went to the bellhop, $15 to the haberdasher, $7 was carried away by an eagle, and -$6 fell from the anti-portal. Where's the last $1?"
Standard action-adventure interstitial room. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=15896263)
Standard action-adventure establishing shot. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=20143092)
Giant armoured mechsuit built to make the wearer weaker… Each painful blow magnified onto its pilot's body… A suit of meekness, not might…
"The reaction… It's out of control!" gasp the scientists with barely concealed glee. "Quick, run!" they shout to no one, grinning excitedly.
2 hours of footage of slender fingers entering concave navels, sliding knuckle-deep, dragging the navel across the chest and up to the neck,
Fortunately, since hair dryers provide infinite oxygen, you calmly form a seal around it with your lips until you re-open the airlock.
Being dumped after you both finished building that 385,000km Crystal Stairway To The Moon has made the long walk home that much gloomier.
The NetHack source's error-printing function is called impossible(), and I like to imagine it being shouted by a spluttering evil overlord.
You wake up to discover that your senses have been deprecated, and reality now only supports a newer API that you can't update to.
Looking at that GIF again makes me suddenly want a portal gun where the portal flood-fills the entire wall it's shot onto.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/63112879889/portal-2 Today's GIF is much like yesterday's - standing halfway in a portal next to another portal, and viewing it edge-on.
Rows of coffins with "please don't open, there's no treasure, honest" on the lids. Sorry, cold fogeys! Treasure hunters always double-check!
Each sundown you pour out the dirt in your boots, and each sundown brings more than the last - darker, oilier, smelling ever more of death.
Your bones and muscles, through years of imperceptible jitters and spasms, have been scratching arcane words on the underside of your skin.
Your body is already up and serving breakfast when you wake. You feel anxious even as it smiles in the doorway. "What's wrong?" it asks.
"One gulp of a Surprisejoy Potion will make everyone around you smile with joy! (You, however, will be utterly furious! :3)"
I'm just like… *vibrant hair flick* *gentle breeze rustling through the trees* "C'est la vie…"
I'm a pretty chill person. I don't even care that during the tenth round of this 868-HACK game I fat-fingered .WAIT while next to 3 enemies.
The final two Lost Artifacts of Christmas have been safely recovered - the Two Front Teeth and the Batmobile's Lost Wheel.
"The best thing about eating holograms," she adds, "is that they never run out!" You just nibble the air inside a projected apple sadly.
It's still early days - this is mostly just code highlighting. Other features, like variable and state tracking panels, are yet to come.
http://twine2.neocities.org/demo-4-10-13.html - This is a rough demo of that Twine 2 debug mode I mentioned back in July.
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Roggenrola - I've often said that Girafarig is the mon with the best name, but this one's putting that maxim to the test.
This is pretty risky. You unplug your right toes and jam them on your left foot before dipping your right into the shimmering black pool.
Are you kidding me? After he becomes Champion, his Exeggcute forgets all its moves!
I'll be honest, I feel pretty chafed that this website thinks IE9 is a real web browser but Opera isn't.
"Hang on, gotta bring all my stuff," says the demon, dragging a sofa in through the Hellportal. This summoning may have been misunderstood.
"Each new theolord would then undergo the pageantry of 're-translating' the unreadable holy corpus into a new set of 'more accurate' laws."
Humanity realises it accidentally left itself out of The Book of Great Two-Legged Animals, tries to find more animals to justify a Volume 2.
I'm kind of upset that I took so long to realise Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" button no longer has its original functionality.
"We just assumed the cloaked man opening the orbs and releasing the 1000-year-old demons inside was gonna put them back after he was done."
"They said the Hero will utter the ultimate sheep joke to shatter the Queen's stony visage! Probably just a myth, but… uh… psst: 'baarber'."
You've finally managed to steal the concept of secrecy. All you have to do now is leave without anyone finding out.
To be clear, I'd have loved it if you could stop Koopa shells in one of their spinning frames! I think it's the game's loss.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/62840237734/super-mario-bros-3 - One inconsistency I never liked is that you can't stop Koopa shells in a mid-spin frame in the actual game.
"How much effort should you put in?" *writes 100,000%* "This much? Wrong." *flips board revealing 18-digit number* "Live it. Believe it."
"This is the most important number of your career." *writes a 0* "It's how many mistakes you can make." *the audience carefully takes notes*
Earth's sky had bugs - clouds were white instead of flashing neon, the moon wasn't embossed, and lens flares weren't visible without lenses.
http://mortisghost.tumblr.com/post/62842702211 - The new alternative to the phrase "Jesus tapdancing Christ".
and her hand spilled the jug, and the jug spilled the water, and the water spilled the refreshment, and the refreshment spilled the relief,
One of the many bats you briefly transformed into to fly to this ruined moonlit tower has drifted away. Hopefully it was a non-vital organ.
The worms eat every part of you except the part that feels shame. They curl around it to see if it's the biggest one yet. You win by a mile.
I love that you can open a browser JS console and still do this, in 2013, even though the tag itself no longer works.
"The popular videogame Analogue is depicts lesbians and was written by Christine Love."
I still like this anecdote (source: @adamcadre)
"What a mess," shouts the healing potion inside your belly. You wince as it grumpily pinches shut your wounds from within. "Disgraceful!"
The bird, finally convinced no one was using it, flew in the abandoned house and laid her eggs on the floor. "Mine, all mine," she thought.
Several of the lesser-liked colours tried to re-brand themselves. Explosion Gray. Violence Beige. Blood Cell White. Erotic Teal.
"After over 30 mins of play, the console was required to stop and show footage of a judge finding you guilty of wasting time on videogames."
Refusing to accept he'd steered wrong and struck land, he made his men sail up the inlet, up the river, all the way to the snowy mountains.
The quality of IF Comp submissions has undeniably skyrocketed since they instituted that $10,000 entry fee.
This sounds like an adorable error message.
"Imagine: what if one day we awoke and dragging an animated GIF did NOT produce a ghostly still image of just one frame? Chaos would ensue!"