Leon's Microblog – November 2013

You dream of the weapon that could possibly replace the sword. Deadlier… More erotically charged… Wielded by all and sundry… Oh! What bliss…
Though the kid got his wish of replacing all maths with Death Frisbee games, all mathematicians' Death Frisbee skills were updated to match.
"Is it possible to imagine a superhero so powerful, they can break out into reality?" *shot of schoolkids squinting in sheer concentration*
You might wonder why I'm currently spending minutes of my life making this next Twine 1 version work in IE 8. Well, the answer to this is th
And, it coincidentally stores it in a manner unreadable to the player, leaving the game state mostly opaque, as it should be.
This uses a combination of JSON and base64 to store not just strings and numbers, but basic arrays and JS objects, too.
However, I've worked out a way to actually store the variables in the hash, and thus eliminate these shortcomings.
This means that only certain variables can be re-computed when a bookmark is loaded - no random variables, no user-inputted values.
The "bookmark hash URL" in current Twine is just a list of passage IDs, without storing any of the macro variables' actual values.
I know I'm breaking my own deadline with this extra Twine feature, but I think it's a problem-solver, a real "eat cake, then have it" thing.
I saw a daddy long legs carrying its egg sac yesterday and amused myself thinking of it as an "arachnid bomb" and a "payload of nightmares".
"We're geeks like you – tortured by dreams of perfection denied, transcendence just beyond humanity's grasp. So, we made a web UI library."
It was easier to just rebuild around the monster's footprints – roads tracing its heel, houses hugging its toes. The new lay of the land.
You step on the balcony, set your cyborg lungs to full bore, open your cyborg mouth, and morph your cyborg teeth into soothing wind chimes.
"And here's my video game trophy room…Every time I beat a SNES game, I leave it on the The End screen and buy another SNES and TV."
"When making a withdrawal, be warned: the bank teller may make sad puppy-dog eyes and faint whimpering noises to get you to reconsider."
Your punch hits your opponent with such energy, they fission into two and send three punches of energy back at you. They share the trophy.
"Some are protesting humanity's lack of flight by boycotting gravity – pushing objects down instead of dropping them, refusing to jump, etc"
Gazing upon the towering monster with a look of wrath – and, when the cameras are away, with admiration and longing.
"A mysterious nation began annexing traffic islands and median strips across the country… Little suspected their goal… was total conquest!"
"This software is quintuple-licensed under MIT, GPL, Pinky-Promise, Muggsy's Badass License, and the Software Pharaoh's Unbreakable Curse."
"Revealed: How the Brain Creates Reality" *animation of anthropomorphic neurons banging factoid after factoid together*
Your boss says this sculpture of a time-frozen shattering vase reminds us that "nothing lasts forever". He's had the damn thing for 9 years.
You halfheartedly run from the finely carved ornamental boulder, wondering if it's your archaeological duty to halt its roll with your body.
Your dinner guests have become badly desynched from the server versions of themselves, and are now walking through your dining table.
Training under a pounding waterfall every day so that you may return to your plumbing job able to vanquish the mightiest of burst pipes.
"My erotica supposes people's navels are full-size concave masks of their partner's faces, so they may blow maximally powerful raspberries."
"I just checked and the 420th Pokémon really is Grass-type, so now I feel better about 666 being Vivillon."
Glitched gender.
I'm hunting bugs through the act of writing example Twine files exhibiting the new features.
"History's hall of bad inventions… Leaded petrol. The "Kleenex Killer" Snotsucker 2000. The interrobang. The "No More Sniffles" Nosepipe 20
"Everyone makes jokes about helicopter ejector seats, but only I dared consider that they just need to eject the pilot really, really fast."
Gone Home DLC whose only function is to add a playable Rubik's cube and ball-bearing maze pen to some shelf somewhere.
That time when you're a kid realising the world population isn't split between kids/adults 50/50, and school made you assume otherwise.
"No one asks why a time traveler like me has to wear goggles. Well, I'll tell you… Timebeast slobber. Gallons of timebeast slobber."
"In the year 2000, confection companies will embrace the loner market with a miracle foodstuff that you actually consume through hugging!"
"That classic documentary film of 'phoenixes rising from the ashes' was just Walt Disney playing the footage backwards. :( "
"Leading surgeon-comedians are being investigated into theft of cadavers' funny-bones, and using their wondrous powers for personal gain."
"This magical lock only opens by rattling it and swearing in frustration. This one opens by trying two bad keys and apologising to friends."
You offer to help out your poor aged computer with some of its calculations. You work out on paper that 13 >> 2 is 3. "Thanks…" it replies.
Don't worry, I'll get you all a birthday present sometime in the next several days.
Hi everyone. It's the 28th and I turn 27 today. ._.
"Here's the human foot. Weird, huh? Now imagine if God had used this art style for the rest of the body." *changes slide, audience screams*
"We no longer host version 1.spiders.2 due to its instability and alarmingly high spider content. Requesting it will instead load 2.spiders"
"Imagine an ice cream made of innovation. That's our company. Now stop imagining: we're real! Wow! You created ice cream with your mind!"
The court found that appointing a "royal ghostmaster" was a fatal mistake – "It sounded like a real occupation!" apologised the chancellor.
"Just a sprinkle of fairy dust… plus a little more for a human," says the fairy as she opens the vacuum cleaner over your head.
I believe it's only a small exaggeration to say that my decision about this could incessantly torment me for the rest of my hideous years.
I need to make a decision about what this Twine 1 link syntax should look like, very soon.
It looks like you're diving into a trash can, but it's a secret tunnel to a garbage-themed secret agent HQ inside a much bigger trash can.
Zero Wing. I don't know if I want this on my tumblr or not.
The kid up top keeps flipping the direction switches of the escalators when the shoppers below try to ride up one… Truly unfathomable power…
I regret that I created a bug that broke imported passage text in this very specific manner.
"Since the dawn of time, humanity has grappled with the most hideous malady of all…" *slide of cavepeople sitting around* "…Unemployment."
I currently don't have any sound import options, because of the MP3/Ogg format wars. IE/Safari rejects Ogg, Firefox rejects MP3.
Let's be honest: we live in a cloud-based imageconomy, and this menu option will easily rival the one above it.
"Well, it's time once again to sign off, but until next week, here's my Words of Wisdom: if butts could get hiccups, what'd THAT be like?"
"After the apocalypse, Earth was renamed to "Hope", so the survivors' grizzled leaders could inspiringly chant "There's always Hope" a lot."
"EcoTree: The Last Tree™ (1996) sees Earth's remaining tree being hunted by greedy milling magnates in order to print one last $1 bill."
"Tonight we see a man named Willickers Bitblop, who made a fortune on match-three games, waking to a world that only has two of everything."
"I make games to help humanity forget, for but a sweet moment, that the gates of Heaven are forever closed, and we are damned forevermore."
I looked it up, and it turns out to have been done by Metroid Fusion composer Minako Hamano! Of course!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Q0_9c48cTQ - I was just thinking how much I liked the Pokémon Puzzle Challenge music…
"Our worst fears came true. 2013's GOTY is Hundreds, and everything since January was a complete waste." *removes glasses* *places on desk*
I like that the W3C requires browsers to ignore <!-- at the start of <script> tag contents. The Mosaic hack, enshrined forever and ever.
"Attention: the elevator's "descend so fast you start floating in midair" button is for special occasions only, like Christmas and Easter."
Men could win a night in her bed if they took her "get hit in the face with a sledgehammer" test, which they mistook for an alcohol metaphor
"The Afterlife Gateguard forgot his riddle's answer, so you must make your own answer AND say why the previous entrant's answer was wrong."
"70 years on Earth, then 70 years as an angel stomping the rain clouds, then 70 years blowing on the sun to keep it hot, THEN eternal rest."
One extra Twine interface change is the display of passages' tags on the map… Still mulling over the colour scheme…
"The Four Heavenly Gourmets are, like, gods! When they enter a restaurant, the other customers rush to the kitchen to help the poor chefs!"
As the Lady of the Land, you've waited by this lake all your life for this one special fish, so you can give it this magic harpoon or w/e.
You must escape these bonds before she assembles that store-bought tickle machine – and she's so confident, she threw out the instructions!
"We've all gone on a merry little jaunt with this detective, but I ask you: if I DID kill her… um… ummmMMMMMBELIEVABLE! It's unbelievable!!"
Important PSA.
I forgot that WarioWare D.I.Y. measures the time during a microgame from 1-1 to 8-4.
You decide it still counts as a dramatic somersault into the room even if you remained vertical and your feet just shuffled along the floor.
This beanbag has only one bean left in it, but darn if you aren't going to swaddle yourself in it for the rest of the weekend.
"You can tell from their faces that actors playing themselves have contempt for the fictional, ephemeral characters surrounding them."
And, here's a paratrooper from "Assault on Crater Bulb".
Here's an Alliteration Parley, from the game "Dodge Bouncing Balls" and its sequel.
I decided to try the new "draw Bowser from memory" art meme.
I believe adding this top option will suffice quite nicely.
"What separates human from animal? Is it these cool shades–" *fights off dog in human clothes trying to get the shades* "or something more?"
Maybe I have a thing for this particular cartoon comedy trope.
I hope whatever technology will replace computers will create new idiosyncratic art styles in trying to recreate the look of digital art.
After millenia of evolution with few predators, the feral bio-guns' triggers and barrels shrank to vestigial lumps and cute popping holes.
The lich pays for its meal with a crystal tooth. It holds the soul of a foolish warrior, one with strength to wash the dishes of ten men.
I like that each teammate must rely on each other's captures to fuel their own battles, and exert mutual pressure on each other to capture.
Some things I like: the notion of an 'endless midgame', where recycling pieces means that victory via the traditional endgame is impossible.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bughouse_chess - I find this 2-vs-2 chess variant interesting (but I kind of badly resent its name).
(Although it will actually keep track of its state on a per-link basis, not a per-destination basis, so it will behave more intuitively.)
In that respect, it's like a more general <<actions>> macro, and also a shorthand form of <<if not visited("Passage")>>[[Passage]]<<endif>>.
I'm also making <<choice>> usable in Sugarcane, where it creates a link that can only be clicked once, and is disabled in subsequent visits.
To that end, I'm changing the <<choice>> macro so that you can sort-of embed the link syntax inside it: <<choice [[a trapdoor?|Falling]]>>
Not many people know that in Twine and TiddlyWiki macros, you can use [[ and ]] in place of quotes – eg. <<print [["That's Okay."]]>>
This was, as many localisers noted, baldly ignoring the religious significance of the hexagram, and its contrast with the pentagram's.
Lots of NES games used hexagrams in place of pentagrams because they could just take the upper-left tile and flip it along both axes.
Summoning a two-dimensional demon with a pentagram that's just a single line.
I wonder if the game would be as effective if it initially wore the facade of a proper Metroidvania - slowly doling out equipment piecemeal.
And, by inviting the player to mess about, it also implicitly invites the player to question the game world's physics, right from the start.
One thing I like about Fjords is that by offering all the "equipment" at the start, the player's openly invited to mess around aimlessly.
A trail of trucks flowing into the Earth Evacuation Ship, stocking enough dollar bills for the survivors to someday rebuild Earth's economy.
You pinch yourself to wake up, but you do it too hard and pinch lumps of your flesh off! You smush them in your pockets to reattach later.
You've tricked them into thinking slicing off bits of your clothes is a flesh sacrifice, but you need a plan before you run out of clothes.
Two jack-o-lantern spirits kiss with tongues of flame… A Baba Yaga hut roosts in a yard, fantasising it's a real house…! Utter debauchery…
Between midnight and 1AM the night spirits have raucous rumpuses in the streets, embracing their brief release from the jail of daytime.
Q*bert 3.
Each time you blow up a building with rockets, you regain more lost memories. Is the cost too high…? There's only one way to find the truth…
"I was sure you'd spare me because of my sheer joie de vivre" says the Pogo Parasol Grunt's ghost after the game ends. "I mistrusted you."
"This game console's got samurai bakers, gambling nuns, skydiving cops, gymnastics vikings, fashionista druids, all ready for adventures!"
By now you've shattered shadow crystals with every part of your body - shard-encrusted fists, aching foreheads, desperate bound-up knees…
"$3 for a jug of milk! $6 for a jug of milk that isn't empty and contains milk! $10, and you get the milk, too! These specials are obscene!"
I find https://developer.mozilla.org/ 's message in the browser's Javascript console to be oddly enticing – like a website's "hidden readme"…
This idea sounds like a @ryanqnorth comic in the making.
"They said the skin was the largest organ in the body, until they discovered the enormothalamus, a 20-foot-wide gland tucked in hyperspace."
OK, I believe the problem is that the Wayback Machine code uses jQuery, ~without~ calling noConflict(). Ow.
http://web.archive.org/web/20131122085446/http://harmonyzone.org/Games/MashkinSeesItThrough.html - This is bothersome – it seems the Wayback Machine's toolbar code causes Sugarcane to crash on startup??
"Water always flows downhill…" *footage of puddle at bottom of slope* "…or does it?" *hand places wad of $100 bills at top of slope*
A chocolate box bomb… Glued to the wall by a wave of thick chocolate… You joked about it as secret agent lovers, but your ex finally did it…
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Magikarp_salesman#In_the_games - I like that this old gag from Red/Blue got an interesting twist in Black/White.
"When I said it was "fake imitation lava that couldn't hurt nobody", it was obvious that meant it was real lava that could hurt anybody."
"In the year 2000, homes and furniture will be built from materials so light, you could pick the whole house up and carry it with one hand!"
Your ship's gotten bogged in a sunspot, but you've broken off a ray to try and lever it out. Maybe you should wait until night-time, too.
The player had so vastly over-leveled to compensate for not actually equipping their weapons, the game grew afraid to try and tell them.
Banjo-Kazooie : Jiggies 868-HACK : Progs Fjords : 'Zas
https://twitter.com/webbedspace/status/403204579019341824 - Now that I'm looking at it again, I'm getting more of a @DahlHernschwink vibe.
First-person game where the player's shadow becomes larger and larger as they add ever more objects and weapons to their inventory.
"Crew morale has dropped after the "Crying Because Sad/Happy" meter on the TV broke down, rendering our drama supply incomprehensible."
Two arch-rival letters forced to put aside their differences and work together after being unwittingly joined into a ligature.
"Every time the city falls, the T-Rex Mecha changes hands… No general has ever deployed it… It's just too cool to risk on the battlefield…"
It was a common trope in computerbot murder mysteries for the victim to print out their killer's name, only to just barely run out of ink.
The siege defenders pour grease down the walls so that the attackers' chiseled holes peel off and comically slide under their feet.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/67592063100/where-in-time-is-carmen-sandiego - Can't believe how close I was to missing out on posting this GIF during 2013 AD.
Oddly enough, I'm getting a faint Far Side vibe from this. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=161735)
Some kind of Odysseus-and-sirens thing? (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=4149803)
Some small beast having its hair braided? (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=18931784)
-Was going to say "Definitely not Donkey Kong Country fanart" except it actually is. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=1140385)
Just as you neared the finish, your back wheels hit a pebble and flipped 180 so they were spinning backwards, tearing your car in half. Darn
"He responded to the accusations by making a slow kazoo-like buzz with his mouth, then pretending he was the podium and it was the chairman"
I'm considering new Twine stylesheet passages coming pre-filled with this template. A little overweening, perhaps?
"Due to trademark issues, each company gave this UI element a new name, like "the Power Vent", "the Command Slot", or "the Do-This Hole"."
Bodies at parties are frequently embarrassed by their heads' non-stop yammering about such boring topics as chewing, sneezing or haircuts.
Keeping this unrolled map from rolling itself up again so you can stab the centre with your cutlass is proving alarmingly difficult.
The lightning machine broke, but the good news for this dramatic villain is that its groaning, sputtering motor sounds sorta like thunder.
You roll around in the shopping bag as the grocery cashier drops can after heavy can next to you. You're on special! You don't deserve this!
Smash Bros. Brawl competitive tiers are canon– Nintendo's strongest beings are Meta Knight, Captain Olimar, the Ice Climbers and Diddy Kong.
You lost two friends to a dimension beast's jaws, two to clique politics, and one to "waking up" and escaping this reality. Poor lonely you.
A game where you're only able to save other people's progress – and can choose to do so at the worst possible times.
"We stored all Earth's knowledge in KNOWIAC, a giant computer. Then we let it control our ICBM silos– a fitting job for our smartest being."
"No!" shout the edutainment astronauts. "Today we're having fun and not doing ANY arithmetic!" Mission control is on their knees, begging…!
Your bed tells you it's alright, you don't have to hold in your sweat just because these are new sheets. Relieved, you unclench your pores.
"In Poker, the Flop is followed by the Turn, the Waggle, the Roll, the Lick, and finally the Nuzzle. Each player begins with one kitten."
"Never before have you been able to shoot virtual people with real bullets… The entertainment technology campfire storytellers dreamed of…"
http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/File:Tibo.png - I'm glad that the Pokémon Adventures manga took the initiative in creating Mega Mantine.
"We ran a search on this X-EVIL company that's buying us… it's short for "eXtremely Evil, Very Insidious LLC". …Yes, we were followed here."
…Although, now that I'm thinking aloud, maybe separate story formats could arguably be called for, in this case?
Right now I'm thinking of a clean, convenient way of toggling between these two behaviours, without making separate story formats for each.
I'm also considering a Jonah hack where clicking a previous passage's link removes all subsequent passages– as if 'rewind to here' was used.
The third point is implemented w/ this: http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/5406 and I'm thinking of making it the Jonah default for the next Twine 1 version.
Twine tweet: the formats most people want are * Sugarcane with the back button * 〃 w/o the back button * Jonah where all links are one-use
The two bounty hunters caught in a tug-o-war with a cracker bonbon containing an evil sentient joke begin to wonder if this is a good idea.
You nobly surrender to the monster, so that when it finishes devouring your village, it may still have the strength to eat your enemies too.
"It's a heartwarming story of a ragtag bunch of "utils" classes from failed codebases banding together to make their own way in the world!"
"After each level, you are graded on how violent you were. C: teased 1 enemy B: shouted at 1 enemy A: pushed 1 enemy S: injured 1 enemy."
"Each cake on the hub world's dining table represents a level. Eating one sends the player into a different sugary fugue state."
"Hah hah hah… you did well to get this far, heroes." "That cloaked figure started talking without introducing themselves! Kill them!"
"Even brave men's brows turn to jelly… when "That Man" walks in the room!" *cut to broom wearing magistrate's wig held by cat on skateboard*
"If crystal balls show the future, I bet this crystal Rubik's Cube can show, like, the tenth dimension or something. …I hope this is legal."
Your rival lives in sunny Palo Alto, whereas you live in the twenty square metres of Palo Alto that are constantly hailing.
I have no doubt that they really did ship a >500-page anti-piracy book with every single copy of this game.
Pokémon tweet: why don't they apply the Dugtrio/Magneton logic to Mega Evolutions. Mega Dragonite is just two Dragonites next to each other.
There's only one tweet of mine that I actually burst out laughing after writing, and it's this https://twitter.com/webbedspace/statuses/361505394155204609 I'm sorry everybody.
"What's with this dialogue? "Holy smokes"? This isn't the Fifties, it's the 21st century!" *utters modem noises for 10 seconds*
"I put on the gorilla suit inside out. Now I'm stuck in an all-gorilla sensory reality. Help. I can't find the zipper, only more gorilla."
Since fonts are really only useful to CSS, they're imported as stylesheet passages containing the font file in base64 encoding.
After images, it was fairly simple to add an Import Font menu item to Twine as well, for use with local font files.
"This dress is made of pure sunbeams stitched with starlight… It provides zero warmth but I'm afraid it'll disintegrate if I take it off."
You never saw Janet again after that shadow portal got her, but in all your textbooks since, a "Janet" has been in all the example problems…
Being sealed in a painting isn't so bad. Your friends sliced you off the canvas and sewed you to one of their shirts. Still one of the gang…
One of your cosmic platoon was cursed by a monster. Cats became able to eat her as easily as a mouse. Watching her die was rough on you all.
After being trapped in 1,005 repetitions of an endlessly looping nightmare, having to go to class feels like losing your hard-won freedom.
Your wand's only got one jolt of magic left. Do you close the wound with black ooze trickling out, or the one shedding purple alien spores?
"I can't go back to real life after this moment," she said to her new lover. "This is unreal. This has cured me of reality."
A personality quiz whose sole question is "so what do you think of the square Tetris block".
(Obviously DKCs 1 and 2 did this environment palette-swapping as well, but to a much lesser and more controlled extent.)
So, by the end of the game you saw whimsical colour combinations like bright purple cliffs, or red sky snowfields, or golden brown jungles.
I'm reminded how Donkey Kong Country 3 would palette-swap its background tiles each time they were reused for a subsequent level.
This reminds me of odd videogame environment palette-swaps for some reason. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=big&illust_id=32979235)
"Me? Turn utterly evil at the last moment? That's absurd… I'm hurt you'd even ask… But, now that you mention it–" *suddenly triples in size*
"I'm sorry… This weapon's beam of "pure energy" contains 5% scrunched-up cellophane… I tried my best… Please forgive me in the afterlife…"
I'm a sucker for colour, and I've been licked again. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=4654578)
You drop to all-fours, then again to all-eights, then to all-sixteens. By the time you're on all-sixty-fours, you can crawl under the door.
You just happened to fall onto a patch of flowers with an IMMENSE will to live. Your body shatters to pieces on their unyielding stems.
All those Marios that fell in the lava became the "fly in amber" for a distant future civilisation's catastrophic gene-splicing experiment…
"What if the "videogame" was real and not just a fictional device that entered common parlance as a metaphor for juvenile wish-fulfillment?"
"Even today, modern medical procedures for extracting life energy still involve Grim Reaper-shaped ghosts biting the patient at some point."
"Bears can evade predators by splitting into three dogs, but must be careful that a cat doesn't leap in at the moment they re-assemble."
"The fat, hibernating flower crawls into a pot and fits another pot on top, completing the cocoon. In spring, a cherry blossom will emerge."
"The museum's state-of-the-art security systems fell for the oldest trick in the book… getting devoured by a tyrannosaurus."
Many poorer radio stations artfully avoided the English Corporation's licensing fees for spoken language by broadcasting entirely in song.
"90% of child psychics unlock their powers while held upside-down by bullies so their blood rushes to their head. Violence usually results."
If faced with a boastful knight in "indestructible armour", simply ask "you mean like inflammable?" and then destruct it when they say yes.
By tricking both wizards to transform into each other at the same time, an "infinite mirror" effect occurred, and they vanished altogether.
"Many today suspect that once the sun fully sets, it catches a cab back to the east and pretends it kept drifting the whole night long."
"You sprinkled floppies with sugar to get the drive to read em, else it'd just pretend… Mounting a fake disk called "tons of boring files"."
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/6462 - Another Klik of the Month reminder. Make a game about joggers, or space invaders defecting to Earth, or something.
"His fortress's security passcode is a number between 1 and 100… and no one can make more than 5 guesses without being utterly demoralised!"
"His villainy began when he looked in some binoculars the wrong way around… Seeing everyone so small made him drunk with unthinkable power…"
Your game console stops playing the credits and asks for another shot at that last boss, "best of three, double or nothing, pretty please?"
You have unwavering faith that the ancient hero will return in the darkest hour – you read a blog post about it that had great SEO.
The five teens representing humanity in this galactic attitude-having contest are being sadly trounced by the team of sentient lens-flares.
"Distracting Chips: this bag of chips heals 10HP, but crunching them is so loud, enemies must interrupt their spells to tell you to shush!"
Proposed "annotation passage" which serves as readable commentary on the Twine story map.
As soon as the pond ducks realise you aren't coughing up the bread, they switch to their freemium forms - a host of grim crows.
Since you missed your graduation ceremony, your diploma was carried away by an eagle to a magical land befitting the skills of your major.
"Half messed-up ball of organs, half killing machine, this weirdo has a bad attitude and an even badder* gun! *Good, vastly powerful"
Sliding down the rainbow to safety is causing your butt to rub out some of the visible spectrum. The colour blue fades before your eyes.
"Urgent Nerd Alert: A blog post in this city has a factual inaccuracy. A 20% t-shirt discount awaits the fastest to respond to this crisis."
"Never before has a platform game hero been so upside-down in so many places, or fallen in this many directions… Truly inspiring…"
The adventurers each refused the genie's wish, believing it a trap. Then the barbarian's dog wished for a head-mounted anti-flea turret.
"Thanks to your Earth-shattering orgasm, seven billion people are homeless and floating in space. Now help push these pieces back together."
"The promised 'never-ending orgasm' was utterly flawless – except that it was, incidentally, also never-starting."
"Oh, to behold a sea-lion skin-mite in mating splendour, its quills wet with epidermal oils… ohhh!" moans your dermatologist mid-inspection.
"Thanks to my policy of stashing ammo in the walls of this facility, I can proudly say that everyone here has a chance of escaping alive."
"Yes, there are trillions of ghosts, yes, they're indestructible, yes, our experiment made them very angry, BUT: they are finite in number."
The newsreader passes to the "It's not so bad" presenter, who chirpily urges you to "buck up" and "hold strong" in the face of today's news.
http://tampere.demola.fi/blogs/hashbangs-are-dead-long-live-html5-history-api - I'm calling it: animated address bars will become the new 90s status bar marquees.
As part of a bid to make news reports more personally relevant, the newsreader opens with "A man has been found dead and you did nothing."
When a person dies, the biggest skin-mites finally take flight, hungrily pursuing the scent of their host's departed soul as it floats away.
When a hair follicle dies, nearby skin-mites compete for the vacant gland. Five tiny mites often team up to defeat one long dragon-mite.
The pre-cleanser emits a low tone, and all your skin-mites burrow up to the surface – tiny wiggly grains, fat lumps, long wispy centipedes.
Your face and neck have a fleshquake halfway through your presentation. You're sure everyone's fixated on your skin-mite death toll now.
Magical power would ideally be coursing down your arms right now, but instead it's sloppily pooling in your elbows, making glowing bulges.
"You thought gathering all the Cosmo Crystals meant you'd won, didn't it? Fool! Your save file's percentage… is but the odds of my victory!"
As it is, though, they're just inert cylinders, as functionally "dead" as all those dreary hardcover books and empty ringbinders.
I think they just seemed especially 'usable', one of the few loose objects that could be used by the player, albeit for nominal effect.
Silly Videogamer Confession Tweet: I wanted to be able to put on the lip gloss in Gone Home. No, I don't really know why.
A SecurityBot caught you ogling a snack wrapper showing a giant mouth devouring a cartoon fruit, and has escorted you from the supermarket.
Ever since you jailbroke your tiny robot into sentience, it's been paralytically paranoid about being bricked by a forced firmware update.
"Bug: Pirate captains are allowed to fit a full 150-man crew into a single lifeboat, but disembarking may cause a Buccaneer Overflow Error."
Here's an interesting Twine change that I've been weighing up these past few days… Hmm…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JavaScript_Style_Sheets - This is like staring into an alternate timeline that's both beautiful and horrifying.
This console generation can't end until we get a Kinect game that won't let you continue after a game over until you grovel on the floor.
This corridor's walls love each other so much, even God let parallel lines meet so they can briefly touch. Alas, as you were running down it
Your poker competitors can't guess your vast raise is a distraction before you bolt from the table and steal these rare holographic Queens.
<abbr title="eXtensible Markup Language HyperText Transfer Protocol Request">XHR</abbr>
<abbr title="Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation">laser</abbr>
Apparently DokuWiki auto-converts every last instance of "CSS" to "<abbr title="Cascading Style Sheets">CSS</abbr>". What is this nightmare.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TYPO3#TypoScript - Simultaneously disappointed and relieved that "Typoscript" isn't a joke language with "prnit" and "uf" statements.
Someone up on floor 5 hit the "raise water level" switch, so everyone on your floor's rushing to flick all the exposed wall sockets to 'off'
The Fire Temple burnt down… Foul play, perhaps?… Bigwigs in the "Fire Cathedral" project have been lighting cigars with smouldering debris…
Turns out this giant psy-crystal you landed on is broadcasting your self-hate to everyone in a 5-mile radius. Now you feel even more guilty.
"He'd led a contented existence for the last 20-odd years – inexplicably vanishing from reality during each even-numbered year."
"LEVEL 1: Let The Fun Begin! LEVEL 2: No More Fun And Games Levels 3 to 49 are unnamed and inaccessible."
Pokémon tweet: if they can retcon Jigglypuff's type, why can't they retcon Slowbro's evolution so it does involve getting bit by a Shellder
A meek, demure bottom lip that hadn't dared imagine meeting another of its own kind, let alone be joined for such a long, breathless t i m e
As the Strength Eater eats your strength, you punch the 'Save Earth' button. "It was really a dial" you groan, pre-empting my wry narration.
After years of folding the dog-ears of all the document icons in your computer, the imp's hypertrophied hands prove to be deadly weapons.
"I uppercut a guy so hard, he turned into a star! I uppercut a guy so hard, he turned into a new species of falcon I named after myself!"
"OK, but if these mystical items I need 100 of to save the world don't make a big sparkly shockwave when I grab one, I won't be happy!"
"Think of our framework as the cream filling in your enterprise solution's bun, squirting out and making an ordinary product extraordinary."
"Look, in defense of my decor, you don't know what the fleshy eyeless faces embedded in the bio-walls are silently screaming ~about~."
"A tweet can be inspired by anything. A leaf chasing a dog. A bird perching on the moon when it thinks no one's looking. Common-day life…"
Videogame architecture… *weeps pixels, salutes Mario flagpole behind 20-sword-beam salute*
This "uncontrollable dancing" status effect is making it frightfully hard to battle… but it's also making you feel so ~alive~.
"They escaped by stealing these dollar bills' validity as legal tender – and being spent! They could be in any wallet in this city by now!"
You squeeze the trigger. The bullets wake up and ask what their job is today. "Kill a thing," you reply. "YAY" they cheer as they shoot out.
Today's body problems began when, blinded by a fit of limb passion, you foolishly tried to hug both your arms at once.
"My art is intended for one person, one being… No, not God, but now that you mention it, that sounds better than what I was going to say."
Right now I'm mystified as to how Opera 12 managed to badly mangle the title of this page: http://michaelkeaton.net/horsemasterreview/
"Set your cyber-rays to ULTRA-STUN!" "Um, the 'stun' entry in the config file only accepts 'true' or 'false'." "THEN PUT IT IN ALL-CAPS!"
Unused Twitter usernames: TalkingPizzaIRL, SlimeCushion, getElementById, Cuddlestorm, VastGyre, CutieAvalanche, PainGivenFlesh, AuralFart
Two dragons' heads argue over who gets to eat you. Just as you try to slip away, they crawl out, revealing them to be one mischievous hydra.
Wearing armour in the dragon's lair, knowing well that human metal is powerless, except to hide among the bodies of those that did not know.
http://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/library/ie/dn384057(v=vs.85).aspx - For some reason, this page has made my day.
Boss fight where "a zillion" is sticky-taped over the boss's HP, and your super attacks have to make the screen shake enough to dislodge it.
"Uh oh, this programming language documentation titled its section on classes "A Touch of Class"." *buckles in for a wild ride*
"We should all respond with a deep sense of disquiet to any work of fiction which suggests it is possible for a tree to become bored."
You step into the vast arena to find all the bosses of the previous worlds are waiting for you – and they're all massively, raucously drunk.
"Police have struggled to announce that the Silence Wizard has escaped custody, using a combination of charades and whiteboard diagrams."
"Even realistic crime games continued the tradition of having the player close a magic portal that was creating all the levels' enemies."
Been tinkering with Twine's link arrows to make them less likely to overlap.
"Thunderblast VI? Ho ho! I bathe in Thunderblast VIs each morning! I wash my hair with Hellfire XII and soap my breasts with Froststorm XV!"
"Very few earn a rating of "Not a Colossal Waste of Time" from the Entertainment Disliker… Put that badge on the cover with pride, friend…"
.http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/66608086388/kompendium-glitch-tank - I really like this screen (but I don't think it's in the iOS version).
"All friendships end someday" replies your party's treacherous sorceress. "Like the one between me and this tall glass of omnipotence potion
https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web/CSS/Alternative_style_sheets - So, have you ever used a web site that used this feature, and does Chrome just flat out not support it at all
"Most processor architectures use 2's complement, but this one uses 2's arch nemesis and 1's secret lover."
"Your inventory is full…" says the NPC, a look of despondency emerging on their face – their gift item ungiven, their life purpose thwarted.
"It's the stirring story of a humble jokey @-reply being promoted to the main feed and taking the world by storm!"
"So-called "wireless" clothes that don't need clotheslines or hangers to get their electricity. Techno-fantasy? Not so, says my next guest."
"In the era of TV, it became common for the winning candidate to finish their victory speech by diving into a pool of ballot papers."
"This is my body-swap-punk teapot. It swapped bodies with a flower pot. It's a real Freaky Friday 24/7 around here."
One consideration, though, is that you'd need one stylesheet passage for each distinct tag. Possible scaling issues…
Considering an alternative to my Twine tag CSS thing… instead of [data-tags] selectors, you tag a stylesheet passage.
Why don't they make a spider Pokémon where the higher its level in the wild, the less legs it has.
"My OTP is the phrase "first in, best dressed" and the phrase "fashionably late"."
You can save your school if you can beat these final division problems! But suddenly, a cloud's shadow covers your solar-powered calculator!
"3 fictional characters are ranked 'unbeatable': Tankazar (wizard w/ tank for head), Yuni Vers (the universe), Zilliongods (a zillion gods)"
"Global warming melted the prisons of the 10 biggest Christmas-ruining villains… and they're gonna make 2013 the unluckiest Christmas ever!"
"You may wonder how many potential tweets end with me shouting "WHAT AM I SAYING" and drumming backspace with both hands… A mystery indeed…"
"If the losing party declares defeat early enough in the count, they are awarded a 10% vote bonus – which may cause them to win instead."
"In the event of a tie, the voter found to have cast the tying vote will be arrested and charged with ruining democracy."
"Victory is decided by winning "electoral chickens", prized fowl picked from the best farms in the state to represent the people's will."
"What if you've been seeing the same 50 ants over and over your whole life. What if some clouds are immortal. What if love songs are real."
This is an unlicensed Funporium… All the mirth and bewonderment was bootlegged across the border… You eye the exits amidst bouts of jollity…
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/SwordsAndSerpents-Barbarian.gif - High-level enemies are powerful enough to lean out of the game window.
Wraparound is used pretty sparingly in SMB3; this cylindrical level befits world 7's theme of "Pipe Maze".
This game is still great.
"The funny thing is, I don't even play real life… I just read the wiki and theorycraft based on the stats."
You see some people laughing on the street corner where you battled that walrus-demon during a time-freeze last week. Yup. That sucked.
Your cosmic wand is said to be unbreakable, but this deep crack is releasing toxic gas and you have to keep it next to a window from now on.
You're badly hurt, but you can use the spell that will make its next attack deflect off you and destroy your Twitter account. No you can't.
You remember the time you and your evil shadow-self stopped fighting to join forces against a far greater enemy, and sigh with deep longing.
A serpentine beast of vast belittlement beholds you – one hundred assertive hands rest contemptuously on one hundred jutting hips.
The WarDryad has refused your Surrender, even after hearing your reason of "This menu option's gotta do something wacky sooner or later".
"Frogster Pro costs $299 a year BUT has 101 downloadable croaks. I need those croaks. Those croaks are mine. Help me guess their URLs, now."
"A bugged update let Middlemurps learn Snot Tsunami XI. It was patched after 13 seconds – barely long enough to become 'tournament legal'."
I want to post Xexyz GIFs on my tumblr thing, but I simply don't know WHERE TO START.
"CONTROLS: S: Slurp potions C: Chow food Y: Yank door D: Don armour G: Grip weapon B: Bop foe L: Lob rock M: Mutter spell H: Hold on a sec"
"This crystal satellite death-cannon can only be deactivated by true love… but I didn't haul this sledgehammer into orbit for nuthin'!"
People often praised it for its simulationist qualities, but this weird emphasis on omnivorism seems to have always been glossed over.
NetHack is a game where about 50% of your nutrition and 20% of your end-game superpowers come from eating basically every monster you kill.
Fighting the Omnipotent Evil was really the only thing holding the adventuring party together. A week later, they're all dead to each other.
In fact, the "potion" items can do anything and it's only by luck they've healed you up until this increasingly embarrassing final battle.
Roboticised humans feeling shy about changing their batteries in front of their AI robot friends.
I like the colour table of this GIF I'm working on.
You absentmindedly press paste, only to unleash the Undauntable Evil you'd valiantly quested to seal in the clipboard just two minutes ago.
The government has determined you are squandering the gods' gifts of water and electricity, and will be fining you in push-ups.
The grand prize in this underground robot combat tournament is being turned human by a sadistic fairy queen, and the cops can't do a thing.
A truly gnarly cyberbeast with an effed-up number of spikes, hit points galore and cannons out the wazoo just got all up in your business.
You cut the cord suspending the block over the beast, only to remember that in platform games, blocks can float arbitrarily. Turn to page 1.
A plastic wading pool with rose petals… Lit by leftover birthday candles… Is that sound a jackhammer, or your heart?
The game can't hold in its excitement, and bellows "YES! YES! WAHOOOO!!" when it finally kills you in the last level.
(OK, that's undoubtedly an uncharitably adversarial perspective – but nevertheless, this is a good game that you may well regret playing.)
#IPlayed Zero Hour http://vote.runhello.com/0h/ If afterward you start thinking "I shoulda put in more effort" then you lose and @mcclure111 wins.
http://pastebin.com/cNKdnNhy - Here's an informal survey of Twine macro popularity – how many games use each macro.
Battle CD 29: One-hit-kill moves fail on higher level mons, so the L50 Magikarp can only be hit by the Poliwhirl mimicking its teammates.
Battle CD 9: All your attacks should be of a type that defeats your previous attack's type (Flying, then Rock, then Fighting, then Psychic).
Battle CD 5: By using Protect, the enemy's Hi Jump Kick will crash, inflicting them with vast damage.
"A dog owns its tail, but does a tail… own its wag?" This fortune cookie message is sending your mind on the fritz. All psi powers unlocked!
A fire giant frantically mopping up her volcano's lava with a huge pumice sponge, while shouting "sorry" and "my bad" at nearby villages.
Final Fantasy 1 is a game where half the magic spells don't work, which may actually be a wry interpretation of magic's ineffability.
The distinction is usually quite clear-cut: Physical = melee, Special = projectile http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Contact with a few glaring exceptions.
What I want to know is why Petal Dance and Leaf Tornado are Special but Petal Blizzard and Razor Leaf are Physical.
It is considered a dishonour for an emperor if less than 100 pallbearers die during their thousand-mile forced march funeral procession.
Unable to kill you, the dungeon is trying to expel you with lavish spiral staircases, escalators, executive lifts, unregulated trampolines…
You're so tired, you avoid smooth puddles in case you don't step on your reflection's soles just right, sending both of you tumbling down.
"It was tradition for the winning fighter to use their Prize Wish to bring the losers back to life, but most nowadays wish for laser eyes."
"Loser fighters can only bathe in their own tears. Winners are bathed in Rice Krispies filled with gunpowder, where each pop is a firework!"
I'm debating the idea that a Twine passage displaying another passage should inherit its exit link arrows, too.
When will Pokémon finally catch up to Digimon by introducing Pokémon poop?
Omega space agents are licensed to blow up 1 planet per mission "in self-defense", but everyone knows only huge pyrophiles make it to omega.
Try to kill the sorceress by strangling, and she imprisons you in her throat. Stab her, and she imprisons you in her loudly beating heart.
You notice that in response to your health and safety complaint, the Flesh Rearranger's metal spokes now have rounded caps on their points.
"The world has grown old… The skyscrapers lean on each other for support… The rivers stop flowing for an hour a day… The mighty, enfeebled…"
You appoint this ant as your holy avatar in the tiny world you created. You're sure it'll use your powers justly and not just eat everything
When will we see a game that isn't NetHack have "fried food grease hands" and "pie-in-the-face" as status effects?
While I appreciate clever Pokémon names, I feel like these two are a little too clever.
I think one of the cleverest things Pokémon did with its type system is allow Sudowoodo to trick people.
Another complaint that head cells get multi-lane arteries, while butt cells get reused bendy-straws… Hah… The butt's electorally worthless…
Making this Twine dialog a little more useful.
The dying soldier's final words, "BLEARRRGHHHHHHHH!!!" have been committed to your Event Logbook. Peruse the Logbook by pressing Select.
Your enemies have thrown you in the lake… Time to stealthily drink a tunnel to safety.
"Training your body to hunger for fulfilled economic obligations instead of food can take a lot of work, but the benefits cannot be denied!"
"Need fourth soldier for Dracolich hunt. No pay, but if Dracolich hearts really do confer healing powers, I'll let you take the first bite."
It's the Detective's Law: if you nab the wrong perp, they become the detective. You sadly return to your retail job and dream of shoplifters
"Programming is for many a solitary pursuit… a private, silent dialogue between themself, the computer, and the grace of God."
Darn - you've waited so long to pump the pain out of your head, it's all hardened in your pain pores. Oh well. You could just live with it.
#Iplayed Operative Assailants http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/6451 One of those "Why didn't I make this? This has me written all over it!" games.
Water elemental chugging a coffee because she doesn't even care anymore.
Seems the damagepunk craze is taking off… Clothes emblazoned with drained health bars and red "-1"s… The buttons are round flashing bullets…
Opera's messing up again and leaving a trail behind this button whenever I scroll down.
You're sure nobody will notice if you tear off a bit of the aurora while you're up here. Could make a killer dress once you climb back down.
Just now I did the exact reverse of a typical action, by searching the entire full text of a poem, from memory, in order to find its title.
This mouse has an extra button labeled "Bored Mode" which, when held, makes the cursor rubbery and able to bounce off letters at high speed.
"The suspect's Alibot-6… a robot whose alibis are so foolproof, man is inferior to his own creation!" *detective angrily kicks a calculator*
All your sad emotions are native, but all your happy ones have to run in a VM.
"The first Killtopia was a free-thinking commune of anarchist murder… This homicide mega-city is a base corruption of its original ideals…"
Your bed's vast array of vistas, including Left Wall and Right Wall, is increased when you discover Ceiling. What a paradise this place is!
A buggy firmware update robs androids of the ability to love. None report it, believing it's "just me", and it eventually becomes standard.
You come to class to find your friend cloned herself 20 times to give the rest of the class the day off. Maybe you'll just break up tomorrow
You hope you find the "pat on the head" powerup for your arm cannon soon – all these good dogs have gotta be controlling doors or something.
"A bolt of lightning brought the monster to life, so tossing this corpse into a head-on train collision should make an even better monster!"
I'll be honest, I'm annoyed that case 4 totally stone cold retconned this bit of cute backstory.
"Look closely at Sir Redglaive's insignia." "But… the glaive is black?!" "Yes! Which means… he doesn't exist!" *case-solved fanfare plays*
"This is the most pretentious murder I've seen this year," snorted the constable as he zip-locked yet another puzzle cube and code book.
You consult the List of Things Finite in Quantity. Flies, centipedes… odd, "spiders" isn't in here. That temple's curse might be plausible??
Visitors to the princess that don't have 50+ Servility Points are curtly squashed flat, folded into an aeroplane and tossed out the window.
You're trying to beckon the wind into your ship's sails with cool music and free wi-fi.
Punching the dragon's uvula will either launch you out of its mouth to freedom or roast you to a cinder. It smugly awaits your move.
And then they just had to keep going, because they can't possibly release a game with _less_ mons than the previous one. And so on, forever.
I think this made more sense back in Gold/Silver, when they included not just the mons but the whole previous game's overworld, too.
They simply have to include game code for every one of the monsters they designed, all the way back to 1996. They have to. Every last one.
I actually think it's kinda weird and strange that Game Freak has to include every last mon from all the previous games in each new game.
Wikipedia, I know the games are notoriously glitch-riddled, but…
"Each colour of ant eats a different building material. Purple ants = onyx, flashing yellow = mega-crystal, translucent = alien bio-flesh."
"Begin every morning by opening all your face-holes wide and saying "This is a new day for my brand" out loud!"
"Look, it's obvious the scientists were too lazy to keep records, and just recorded and backdated all the audio diaries AFTER the disaster."
*watches super-soldier test subject lift up 1,000kg stone slab* "Let's drop a feather on top and see if he's suddenly crushed cartoonishly"
You're aboard a ship of boistrous pirate queens on the run from Reality Police for being too romanticised – and they want you on their crew!
I'm looking at a bunch of my selfies and getting the sense that I sort-of look like that hapless guy in Kaneoya Sachiko's pictures.
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