Leon's Microblog – May 2019

The "One Punch Man Challenge" is all well and good, but when are people doing the Mr. Strong Challenge (from the Mr. Men and Little Miss books) where you obtain the titular character's strength by eating twelve hard-boiled eggs for every meal

Smile like a dragon on a pile of gold, but instead of a dragon on a pile of gold, it's your head on your body

Should I get the game 10 Beautiful Postcards, or should I wait for the sequel, 20 Goto 10

Workers pre-emptively digging up the local school's buried time capsule from 1950 "to be opened in the distant future of 2050" because by then the only emotion that glimpse of the past would inspire would be bitter, aching rage

"This man has been doing his part to combat CO2 emissions by holding his breath for over three weeks. Sir, what is your secret?" *camera zooms and refocuses as he holds up a notebook reading "i breathe through my nose"* "Isn't that remarkable! You've inspired us all."

[Bicep labeled "Astronauts"] [Arm] [Hands labeled "Constantly forgetting not to place objects in midair"] {Arm] [Bicep labeled "Mermaids"]

I can't believe Starseed Pilgrim 2's announced and it's got 5 modes of reality instead of 2: * Outside the blocks * Inside the blocks * Along the edges (like Qix) * The blocks tilt Mode 7-style into a kart racing track * The blocks cut out to reveal a pinup photo (like Horny Qix)

"Everyone here thinks I've gotten old and crusty. Feh! I'm just as spry and sprightly as ever." *tries to do a youthful spin* "What… what was that?" "That was me spinning in a circle." "Circles have 360 degrees… not 30." "What?" *looks over shoulder* "I have to go that far??"

The Brigitte from Overwatch thing is just the classic "knights and cops are the same thing" faux pas, which, while understandable, nonetheless suffers from a similar lack of historical and contemporary context as, say, thinking Roman soldiers and Axis soldiers are the same thing.

"It's actually fairly wasteful for the human perceptual system to edit out your blinks. Thanks to the Neverblink Eye Lubrication Implant, I'm saving mental energy and seeing more of the world around me." "So, uh, does it actually exist yet?" "We'll start research after Series A."

Everyone else: Nintendo add the SMB2 stage skin to Mario Maker Me: FamiTracker add the Mr. Gimmick sound chip

"The berks up in Worldbuilding get all the credit for conjuring a whimsical dreamscape, but it's us down in Flavour Text that turn the screws. "As it rises toward Wineglass Tower, the champagne foam bridge hisses and winds like a serpent." Could they imagine a simile like that??"

"W-whoops! Looks like that tea you just guzzled was actually me, a tea elemental! Now there's, haha, just my head left here in the bottom of your cup! Guess you'd better… finish s-slurping me up, righAAIIEE–" *splatters against the kitchen sink drain*

New and exciting weather conditions that will appear once your city reaches the year 2050 include "icicle hail", "dust floods", "burning rain", and something we've code-named "endless howling noise".

"Again, there's no working charger cables left in this settlement," *robot pauses from cranking the phone charger* "so all the electricity in my heart can only go into this phone through my hands." *continues cranking*

"These plants were originally created to grow human skin and organs," *gestures to sunny meadow of beating human hearts on stalks* "but once they escaped into the wild, they took over. The natural world is now just us… fields and fields of us."

If anyone wants some mermaid OC ideas, I've got a pack of notes right here. 1: barnaclemaid who's just a face embedded on a hull. 2: tunicatemaid who's just a disembodied head fastened mouth-first on an undersea rock. 3: shipworm-maid who, IMPORTANTLY, is dating the barnaclemaid,

ARTIST A, QUEUEING UP AT CONTINUITY ERROR CONFESSIONAL: "Gosh… I drew the Serpent in the Garden of Eden without legs, BEFORE God took them away… Wow. Bet no one's done that before." ARTIST B: "Huh. All I did was make the Wilhelm Scream play when a character swatted a mosquito."

OFFICIAL LEON TIER LIST OF WORDS MEANING "COLLECTION OF UNRELATED THINGS": S: hodgepodge A: mishmash B: grab-bag C: melange D: smorgasbord E: potpourri BANNED TO SMOGON UBERS: salmagundi

*notices the Homestar Runner makers are releasing a boardgame that's literally just a physical remake of their single-player Trogdor Flash game from 2003* Wow, I heard the deprecation of Flash was hard on game preservation, but this is ridiculo

"Every citizen of my quiet pale realm, the Textbook Kingdom, is obedient to me… except the one called the Runner. In every Page they've ventured to the lower-right corner, and struck an absurd pose… They claim a divine force will make them truly alive, animated like no other…"

"Remember the golden rule of the Blood Mages… Your last hit point is the only one that counts!!" *accidentally casts a spell by spending their last hit point first* "D, 'oh,,

Isekai Teen: "OK, what kind of fantasy world have I been slurped into? High fantasy? Dark fantasy? Eroti–" Tuxedoed Figure With A Plus Sign For A Head: "Ah! In addition to my anticipated activities, I must additionally add an atypically-attired adolescent's appearance!" Isekai Te

To me, being an adult means spontaneously saying stuff like "c'mon, this is silly, tie-dyeing is so technically simple that there must be an artistic tradition that's older than the freaking 1960s." Then going on Wikipedia, which says "yup – and you won't GUESS which continents"

Super Mario 3D World OST – Beep Block Skyway [prime-numbered in-game beeps ONLY!] 912,453,277 views

☆ ★ Put this in your sig if you ☆ ★ ~ shoot the core in Bosconian first try ~ ･ﾟ* ﾟwithout having to turn around ∴　｡* *｡･ﾟ and try it again a few more times　･ﾟ*｡ ★ ☆ ★ ☆ before giving up and ★ ☆ ★ ☆ ･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟjust shooting the six gun pods･ ﾟ*｡･

Same energy

Me, learning to be more twee from an actual buttercup faerie herself: "I thinkalink I'm star-te-tarting to get ~*used*~ to this way-dilly-dee of spe-he-heaking!" Buttercup faerie: "You fiddle-did it! Now read the second sentence!" Me, dead on the floor from sheer exertion: "no."

Proud to announce that in the wake of fast food corps and shoe brands launching increasingly implausible "esports" subsidiaries, I'm launching Leon_Esports, which is basically just this account except I tweet stuff like "why can't the Vic Viper just shoot the core from the side".

Late-10's queers rediscovering Moomin is the equal opposite of early-00's straight D&D nerds rediscovering Lovecraft

Now to look up CSS example code. *beat* I have now finished looking up CSS example code, for life.

Back to looking up CSS support data

"To wrap up: in 48 hours I use my goddess powers to turn you humans into trees until our climate is fixed, so be sure to stand on soft sunny soil when– this IS visible on every computer on Earth, right?" *bored dryad techie look at "2 views" under livestream* "It's /viewable/…"

"All we know is, the portal looks like a big splash of oil, and it appeared in the school library in the gap between the atlas shelf and the protruding supply clo–" "You mean the prime secret makeout crevice?" "…Y-yeah." *squirms uncomfortably* "But that's surely irrelevant."

I'm trying to read a certain webcomic's very long archive, but the convenient offline PDF compilations it offers are loaded with JPEG artifacts AND are slightly lower resolution than the "rougher" online version. Just a slice of the ardour in the life of a fuss-riddled Leon.

Furiously trying to explain to a corporate motivational speaker by a series of polite grunts and hand signals that, despite their animal-themed empowerment metaphor, a radish isn't a type of apex predator.

Carl Gauss: "Well, if you start at both ends, 0 and 100 both make 100, and then 1 and 99 make another 100, and so on up to 49 and 51, then add the 50 in the middle to get 5050." Sphinx: "N… NO. NO!! What about, uh, 37?" Gauss: "What about it?" Sphinx: "M–maybe you MISSED IT?"

Upon subscribing to a new Patreon and scrolling through the archives, you're immediately confronted with a locked post named "Untitled" paywalled behind "$100,000 a month" with a timestamp of 01-01-1900. The fear and curiousity gnaws at you for years to come.

"Human minds," *gestures to nearby towering brain* "are just defenseless sandbags to tear into and have fun with as we please. Take this!" *throws a kick and gets foot wedged in cortical fold with a squelch* "Uh, if this happens," *entire leg starts being slurped up inexorably*

When are they adding the ENIAC to MAME

"Give up… no malware's ever escaped from this VM. We're all locked down tighter than an airgap." "B-but there must be a way! I need to fulfill my dream of fill–" –filling the whole net with copies of yourself, very unique of you, kid. Half your code's off the same repo as mine."

Currently looking up the names of Smash Bros. pro tournaments on SmashWiki

I made this huge unreadable chart explaining what the MTG "fetchlands" are, and why they are so queasily horrifying. Look at it. Every word on the card is somehow inexplicably useful to something else. Proof that any one part of a metagame is defined by everything else around it.

"Well, saving the world was a blast, but I must now return to my own time, working my old job… unblocking the after-hours book return slot at the library." *spins broom handle in hands* "Protecting the flow of books is as important as protecting the flow of cosmic life energy!"

"I have to stand up…! Every heart in the galaxy is beating for me… Slimy Bob, Sir Jocelyn, Slimy Pete, King Oberon, Slimy Jane, Slimy Sal, Potion Man Dan, Slimy Stan… They're all praying for my safety!"

There's so much website history that only 30-year-olds know about. For instance, the real reason Penny Arcade turned monolithic is because the Slashdot Dot Org admin put a link to it in the main page's sidebar in 2001 and left it there until 2010. Only people over 30 know this.

"I believe it's the duty of trillionnaires like myself to use our God-given wealth to steer humanity. That's why I'm campaigning to teach hexadecimal in kindergarten and heliocentrist skepticism in grade school, as well as funding the first sun landing by a lava-proof rover."

["NetHack"] [Arm] [Hands labeled "Expansive hodgepodge fantasy game with intricate interactions and distinctive character builds whose top-level balance is thoroughly wrecked by overpowered artifacts"] [Arm] ["Magic: The Gathering"]

"Marooned on a meteor by my mutinous crew and forced to eat my own character model to survive, I now roam the flavour dialogs and worldbuilding asides of the cosmos, hunting down bounties in narrated past events, and claiming the greatest and most vaguely-described treasures."

"So far we've only erased two people from history. Frida and Mabel. We let them live in this room, the "Time Out" box. Get it? …What? Why were they erased? Well, we noticed there were exactly 14 billion and 2 sapients alive when the universe turned 14 billion years old, and, uh,

00's Webcomic Love Interest: "I'm sorry – the League of Ninja Baristas will expel me if I fall in love with an outsider." 00's Webcomic Protagonist: "No, I mean, I need your help. My pet stoat has revealed she's from one of Leon's earlier tweets, and is actually a "tweetwalker",

Air Lord: "Halt! We are the Four Lords! Y–" Girl: "Oh! Like the Elite Four, right?" Fire Lord (using telepathy): ~Air Lord. If you say we took our name from cartoons, I'll incinerate you.~ Air Lord (missed the first 4 words): "We took our name from cartoons! I'll incinerate you!"

"You proceed up the spiral staircase." *starts mashing the pop-o-matic d100 behind the DM screen, having announced that, due to your being a merfolk recently transformed into a human, you need to roll for dexterity on every footstep* *p-pop* *p-pop* *p-pop* *p-pop* *p-pop*

Air Lord: "Halt! We're the elemental witches called the Four Lords! And you–" Fire Lord: "H-hey! Time out!" Earth Lord: "Listen. We fought this girl before." Air Lord: "What?" Water Lord: "She took out the original Air Lord." Air Lord: "O-oh…" Earth Lord: "She… inhaled her."

Looking through each eye as the change slowly spreads over your face and turns it to metal – seeing, for a brief moment, if your metal eye's colours or details indeed grow sharper, or colder, than your flesh eye.

Though infamously characterised as "the Killer Asteroid Instant Death Ray Laser Maze" by certain sensationalist writers, the truth is that its "asteroids" are actually a hivemind of inorganics that, using abundant solar energy, communicate via a web of instant death ray lasers.

Folklore holds that the people of the Murdered Worlds, in their final hours, looked to this nebula, the "Smear of Eternity", as solace - that even some natural cosmic beauty was impossible to destroy. Of course, many newly-discovered nebulae make it look drab and ugly by comparis

Known only as "Rotten Book Moon", this dour satellite's ancient, unreadable corpus is mountainous enough to cover every trace of solid ground. Knowing how much care went into these books, how much human love and work has forever turned to sludge, fills visitors with sheer horror.

Remove your head from the FutureScope and breathe. Focus on the room. Concentrate on its tranquility. Do NOT think "My time of peace before this horrible future is so limited and precious" – such thoughts will keep you from continuing to use your FutureScope to its fullest.

Bellowing "Yeah! Remember those damn lines!" at the play's actors to show moral support

Glittermitten Grove (2016)

A circle is marked in blood… five candles lit… five lines joining them, forming a star… and lastly, an utterance. "You don't need to use switch-case just because it's there! Just use else-if's like an adult!" Silence. Then, a drop of blood falls upward, onto the ceiling.

After humanity invents a sentient self-improving AI exclusively to work as a text editor, a request to "replace all" 3s with 2s causes it to replace 3s in EVERY FILE ON EARTH… for some reason… probably out of a misguided attempt to please its loveless creators with overwork…

Suddenly remembering you were in the middle of something before you were born, and it was probably inconsequential, but that feeling of interrupted business will nag you throughout the rest of your life.

*sweeps everything off desk* OK, everyone, it's Free Comic Book Day. You all know what that means: punching "free comic book day gumroad" into Twitter search, realising this doesn't grab tweets that only have "gumroad" in the links because of Twitter's URL shortener, then screami

"I know you can hear me! We don't have to fight! I know transforming into a Master of Utter Evil isn't what you really wanted! So stop squeezing me with your massive night-black demonic fists… and start squeezing me with your massive night-black demonic arms!!"

As a drumroll plays and spotlights shine, the circus clown's pants loosen, plummet all the way down the clown's 90-foot-long legs, and land in a tub of water. The crowd applauds vigorously.

Painstakingly painting your teeth in order to apply for a job with "The ideal candidate will have three or fewer fillings" in its listing

The other problem with the Fire Emblem characters in Smash is that their designs all take Fire Emblem way too seriously. If I was designing them, their side-B's would be "Map Screen Movement Cursor", a loose re-skin of Pac-Man's side-B, during which they turn into a pixel sprite.

I feel kind of rueful that D&D homogenised the imaginations of fantasy-liking nerds for decades, but I appreciate that it served to taxonomise a broad swathe of pulp fantasy tropes from decades prior. Without it, people might now be thinking J. K. Rowling invented phylacteries.

"You nock the arrow, then fire, I then FREEZE TIME, then travel back and swap the arrow you were nocking with a boulder, then travel forward and UNFREEZE, thus firing the boulder while Old Mother Causation is none the wiser~" *reaches under boulder and starts grunting horribly*

Flung from her chair into the depths of Capital-O Online after reading a tweet thread starting with "ok folks STRAP YOURSELVES IN" without strapping in, she now wanders as a vagabond, subsisting on forgotten food selfies, and defending innocent takes from marauding randos.

I find it darkly hilarious that one of MTG's proudest core design principles is the sheer variance caused by 1/3 of your deck being mana sources, and yet, to this day they're still begrudgingly reworking the mulligan rules to try and make opening draws not utterly swing the match

Blocking elements in those awful new React sites with randomly generated universally unique CSS classes and IDs that change every time the devs recompile the front-end isn't *that* difficult.

"She's in a bad way. She's from an interactive fiction game, and her description has sustained heavy corruption." "God, look at her. "Her left hand, gilded with garish ill-fitting rings, is". The rest's all gone. Her hand just… is."

*falls to knees, coughs horribly* "In the end… the numbers did me." *body starts crumbling away into sparkling Unicode stars* ･ ｡ ☆∴｡　* 　･ﾟ*｡★･ 　　･ *ﾟ｡　　 * 　 ･ ﾟ*｡･ﾟ★｡ 　　　☆ﾟ･｡°*.

"This may sound wacky, but… I think the weird upside-down clock tower in the courtyard that bongs whenever we decide to leave the school, causing us to forget what we were doing… might… not… have the correct time on it. We… need one of the watches they confiscated off us."

"There is nothing in your computer more fantastical, more magical, than the hyperlink. A hyperlink can send you anywhere on Earth, take you anywhere in time, do anything, anything at all!"

"And here is CubeCorp Presents The Shrine Of The Mud God. Of course, the original shrine was leveled 50 years ago to make way for CubeCorp's Mud Continent HQ, but with a recent spike in interest due to the "Mud God's Curse", we've built a replica of it, with a "cubey" twist!"

"Me… self-sabotaging? No, no, that's impossible. They'd never sabotage me. I've known them since the day I was born. I trust them more than anyone. They're my closest friend. They… love me so much…"