Leon's Microblog – August 2010

"Look at this ring!" she giggled, waving her finger in front of his face. "It's made of extremely rare zero-carat gold!"
"Passages from your essay have come to me in dreams since I was a child. Now that I hold it, the very purpose of my life is complete. B+."
"I've read your essay and I am now bleeding from every orifice. I've tried stabbing myself but the blood won't come out fast enough. C-."
"It was a good decision. No one got hurt, except for my feelings, but really, my feelings are all huge jerks anyway."
"We belong to B.L.U.G.H, an agency so secret that each of our 5 top directors are only allowed to know what one of the letters stands for."
"What's this? The Kama Sutra?!" "It's called 'The Kama Sutra of Small Business Accounting', I mean GOD, Mum!"
Plot: teen discards creative writing project in attic drawer, finds word-for-word identical manuscripts written by mother and grandmother.
Yesterday my cellmate said that only the Past is truly real and the Present is an illusion. Today he said that car exhaust is dragon farts.
Plot: a boy uses the title screen of a cursed copy of Super Mario 64 to horribly distort his parents' faces.
"It's been a hard winter, Sue. You're the only woman left. And we need to send a woman to be the Dragon's wife for the coming year."
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/1420 - I find it hard to fathom that I made a game and then named it "Man Cannon".
Mahler's Symphony No. 1 in D major is often known as the "Titan" due to Mahler having been stepped on by a titan soon after finishing it.
"The Queen liked everything about the portrait, except the face. Fortunately we'd painted it on a mirror, so we just scraped that part off."
"OK, Bonzo, you have to shoot right at the hole in its scales, or... Here, tie my suspenders to the arrow so we can reel it in if we miss."
"I will shoot myself right in your face!"
Rather than publicly reveal that her left leg and arm were now gone, she hired a young girl to be her left half, underneath her heavy coat.
Bread science was revolutionised by the Turing Toast - machine toast that was indistinguishable from toast browned by hand over open flames.
It's about a game designer who makes Flash games each night for her prince that are so hard that he never beats them in time to behead her.
Housekeepers hailed the invention of "holograph dishes." Fumbing and dropping a holo-dinnerplate would merely shatter it into tea saucers.
Their getaway car broke down mere metres from the border. Fortunately, the rapidly approaching floodwaters carried them the rest of the way.
"My mother perpetually looks like she wants to cry but can't remember how."
In two hospital beds, a wife and husband. They turn over, and as they look into their eyes, their monitored heartbeats synchronise into one.
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/MacBelow.zip - To test out GM4Mac, I made a Mac port of @auntiepixelante's Below The House. #WorldExclusive
The sign read "We apologise for the inconvenience, but the Past is temporally inaccessible."
#TerribleGameMechanics Pikmin Solitaire: Like the solo card game, but you have to send a team of pikmin to pick up and move each card.
"Gullaby? Thingaling? Good sir, these are rhymes against humanity!" Then he gave up subtlety and just punched Ogden Nash in the face.
Malley looked at the three other hitchhikers in the car. They all smiled back.
"The one thing they never tell you about Hell: everyone else is invisible. It's like you're the only one there, like it's all just for you."
"The waters that pour on Hell's flames rise up as Heaven's clouds." I'd thought that a terrible aphorism until I saw it with my own eyes.
Their most lauded trick was for one to hold a hornet in their mouth, then pass it through each other's mouths with a relay of kisses.
She had filled an hourglass with water, so that they would hear a sound like passing urine while she made her escape through the window.
A young boy camps out in a treehouse during a storm and awakens to find the entire world flooded - a flat plane of water in all directions.
"All heist movies are just mere shadows of The Great Muppet Caper, anyway."
Teenager falls in love with girl character in word problem on a maths test. Aces the test, but is heartbroken when handing in the paper.
"I'm going to give you a delta minus because I know you're too young to know Greek letters and I don't want to hurt your feelings."
"I respect your opinion. It differs from mine but I respect it. I'm respecting it very hard indeed."
They were careful to throw a fresh body overboard every day. They couldn't risk the shark swimming away with the ring still inside.
She lifted the small squirming figure from the hope chest and showed it to her new husband. "My first baby. It died once, but not anymore."
"I was almost certain that I heard her side-table promising that it would always eat its vegetables forevermore, if it could only go home."
"Pardon me, madam... do my eyes deceive, or does your front-left cartwheel have pigtails and a dress?"
Had the calender eyes, it would have beheld the utmost expression of terror as it was flipped over and forgotten deadlines were revealed.
"That day I saw a mighty clockwork device on a cart pulled by a donkey - and I thought the donkey's decrepit body the finer-built machine."
As he turned over her latest monthly postcard, he was taken slightly aback by its opening line, "Hey, handsome postman! Read this!!"
"In my opinion the Internet has only managed to improvenate English."
"Look, I only regard your dog as 'unclean' in the sense that if I licked it back, I would die."
"Thank you. Here's my card..." And then, he noticed that his cards had been printed on the back of defective prints of his guest's card.
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