Leon's Microblog – December 2013

"You'd prepared a sumptuous You Soup – ingredients: you in hot bath water – and who's to blame a monster for not letting it go to waste?"
"I never had an office before. I can put whiteboards anywhere. Whiteboard desk. Whiteboard door. Ceiling whiteboard and markers on poles!"
You order your robo-fists to unleash Optimal Punching Algorithm C. As they boot up, you nod off and let technology solve all your problems.
They abandon the fort tonight… Dutifully they blend the fruit to keep it from falling into enemy hands… The soldiers slurp smoothies sadly…
"When I said I was a 'giantkiller'… I meant it more like 'ladykiller'."
You slash, but your foe simply laughs at the idea that making openings in its flesh would do it harm. It does sound pretty silly, actually.
One terraforming nanobot drifts in space, trying to regenerate the Earth from a single grain of sand
Two hitch-hiking slimes look up at you hopefully. You kindly let them slide onto your legs next to the spiders, and continue on your march.
Chessmasters throwing away their own pieces to smugly "make it a fair fight", until there's no pieces left and they just start fistfighting.
You watch your omnipotent captor snooze serenely. She's surely dreaming of inflating and popping you like a balloon, just like in real life.
This one is simply titled "~♪". (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=33228864)
Making your own goals within the existing ludic framework.
"Uttering my hundred-syllable name brings weakness to the mightiest tongues! All the better for my own tongue to pass their lips unopposed."
"The two generals HELL-HEAD and HECK-HEAD will be waiting here. Their weakness is unknown, but an ancient riddle says: 'It's their heads'."
The reporter begged to let her watch a summoning. The witch agreed. She found herself tied to the floor with a pentagram on her belly.
Beneath a sumptuous wig, long gloves, an expansive ballroom dress, and a sparkling masquerade mask, the skeleton feels almost alive again.
"The ethical thing to do is put you out of your misery." *gives you glasses with clowns on the inside of the lenses* "There. Now die happy."
You realise that A) the Leidenfrost effect is causing your body sweat to protect you, and B) you're both taking "lava bed" very literally.
"My soul was torn from me by the Lord of Infinity. How did you die?" "S-stumummed by prmhrm…" "…Pardon?" "S-s-stunlocked by puppy licks!!"
"These spikes are false. Jump on them to advance," says the skeleton. "While I'm an employee of this dungeon, I'm speaking only for myself."
Remember, every time one of the squares in Stickets pops, your character canonically dies horribly. Hence, "lives". It's a bloodbath.
People waking up to find their 2013 calendars suddenly have crudely inscribed 4s where the 3 once was… Their pages quivering under scrutiny…
It took centuries to cultivate tickle-weeds the height of your pits, and lured by your smell… Those diligent monks never knew the full plan…
"This lawyer always knows his clients are innocent! Why? Because he does the crimes himself! And frames them! That's why he's always sure!"
"This three-part epic depicts what became of the Wizpig Amulet in the years after Diddy used it to unlock that cave in Diddy Kong Racing."
Just need to borrow this for a sec. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=5112742)
You give a kiss so small and so quick that only one nerve cell feels it – and she mistakes it as being directed to herself.
You shoot dead-on at your approaching foe, only for your gun and the bullet to be kicked from the server. This isn't fair. Life isn't fair.
You reach the exit door at the moment they cut power to it. It oozes down the wall into a pool of liquid wood, the knob sadly sinking in.
"Hi, it's me, the number S. Look, 5 was ill, OK? I owed 'em a favour. C'mon, it's cool, three of me is like 14.778 which is close enough."
Mastering a roguelike involves two stages: dialing your recklessness down to zero, and then slowly, measuredly, dialing it back up again.
"I wish to dedicate this to the troublemakers. The disruptors. The malcontents. The irritants. The pig-headed. The downright awful people."
Kotatsu snail. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=32937260) (I'm told it's a pun.)
"Oh, hello! I just finished this." *hurls book into fireplace* "It's the last one in my library!" *camera pans to rows of empty bookshelves*
"Remember: every time you swallow a fruit's seed, that fruit has technically outsmarted you."
Whenever proglang documentation states that a particular function "retrieves" data, I imagine a cute little puppy holding it in its mouth.
"The joke about a guy reading the phonebook and remarking that it has a lot of characters was laid to rest today at the ripe age of 130."
High-level RPG characters domming the far lower-level versions of themselves in a different save file.
A text adventure about a community of "every____" twitter bots. You, of course, play the strapping young "everytextadventurecommand".
Just as you reach the exit, a magic aura surrounds you. The "Odd Aura Eye" in your inventory rearranges its letters to spell "You Are Dead".
#IPlayed Less Raum http://gamejolt.com/games/adventure/less-raum/10926/ Wow, gee, yeah.
*places detached left buttcheek on Poker table* "Actually… let's make this ~interesting~." *places detached right buttcheek on Poker table*
Most nights you lie in bed feeling like a mountain is on top of you. Just tonight, though, you simply feel like the mountain itself.
In dawn shadows you pace your room, amassing the evidence that last night actually happened – your mind rejecting a reality so wonderful.
What the couple didn't notice: their discarded clothes quietly rising up and drifting out of the room to have their own moment together.
What this fire elemental likes most is the feel of proud bare feet steeping a little too quickly across her coal-sprinkled reclining body.
"You succumb to hunger in the dungeon. YOU HAVE DIED. Amusing Death Trivia: Over 97% of non-computer life forms die. Wow! Pretty high, eh?"
You didn't notice that she'd ended the conversation by hurling you off the tower –you thought the world was blurring from your tears.
You watch the space mechas roost on the city's radio tower, ruffling steel wings, chirping as the Dyson Ring rises… The joys of twilight…
When the teen Earthling vowed to use your gift of cosmic magic for "malfeasance", you could've SWORN that meant "obedience". #BestTweetsOf13
You fall into the pit, then hit the spikes, then start bleeding, then stop falling, then stop living, then stop winning. #BestTweetsOf13
"I put on my best case-solving hat (the plastic one that's painted to look like a big exposed brain) and hit the streets." #BestTweetsOf13
I have a confession… a very dire one… I like the Phoenix Wright 3 "cornered" music more than the Phoenix Wright 1 music… Don't look at me…
"He accepted defeat like a true Grandmaster: smiling gaily, then snarling and punching the floor while their back was turned, then smiling."
"Laughter is the cornerstone of society! Many of us wake up solely to fill our Daily Laugh Quotas, and feel crushing despair if we fail!"
The realisation that gelatin powder seamlessly unites slime AND crystals causes you to faint from euphoria during the kid's birthday party.
"They say she loved death more than anything in the world. In fact, she loved death… to death. …Do you understand? No, really, do you?!"
"Ain't no law says humans can't murder," he chuckled. And he was right - damn the law-repealing fiends of the "We Promise To Be Good" lobby!
The best thing about rocket shorts, you tell your shivering self, is you can keep em on low burn if you foolishly wear em to an ice planet.
Yes I do feel perverse near-erotic embarrassment at ES6 Javascript adding keywords that are literally just bugfixed versions of older keywor
You can also see this in other features, such as get/setAttribute() vs property access - a clear-cut "invocation vs inspection" case.
These two competing means of deleting a DOM node vie to this day: node.parentNode.removeChild(node) vs node.outerHTML = ''
The most illustrative example being innerHTML – the idea that DOM manipulation could be performed outside of "pure" Javascript altogether.
And, furthermore, how Microsoft's proprietary deviations from this paradigm happened to subvert and undercut its most unhelpful dogmatism.
The idea that all object data must only be obtained through austerely named getter methods, and all manipulation done through setters.
It's interesting to see how the design of the early W3C DOM was dominated by a strident Java-style "invocation over inspection" paradigm.
(This unwrapping allows a slight convenience: by passing non-arrays to [].concat(), they are wrapped in an array- but arrays are unchanged.)
Thus, [].concat([]) produces the same result as [].concat() - an unmodified empty array. So, [] is the value that var must be defaulted to.
(This means, to the disquiet of many proglang aesthetes, that [].concat(2) and [].concat([2]) produce the same value: an array containing 2)
The actual solution is [].concat(var || []). You see, when an array is passed to [].concat, it unwraps it to get the values.
As it turns out, [].concat(undefined) makes an array with 1 element of undefined, even though it ~should~ be equivalent to [].concat().
Now, I can't actually do that by simply defaulting var in the expected manner: [].concat( var || undefined).
Right now I have a situation here where I must make a call to [].concat( var ), which, if var is falsy, would leave [] as an empty array.
Sometimes while working on Twine I do a particularly bizarre thing in Javascript that I want to brag about, but usually cannot.
You lead the pursuing text cursor to a line of small print, where it shrinks to tiny size. You think you've won, 'til it pastes in a header!
A swarm of mouse cursors flies in and drags your clothes in every direction at once, shredding them with frightening efficiency.
You bolt from your seat and dash for the door – but your seat rises and follows, tackling you, carrying you back between pinched armrests.
Right now my personal favourite "Christmas movie" is Tokyo Godfathers, even though it's been like 9 years and I only barely remember it.
There's a certain logic at work here, referring to an object by its form and ignoring its function, that I find kind of weirdly pleasing.
http://twinery.org/wiki/start?do=revisions - I sorta like that DokuWiki represents side-by-side diffs with an icon of 3D glasses.
You set your alarm clock to "surprise me". It wakes you at 8AM in the year 20,000. "So, pretty good, eh?" its face seems to say.
As you scroll further and further back in your morning tweet feed, you slowly deduce that your friends became space mecha pilots overnight.
"As you get older your dining implements get deadlier. Kids get spoon and fork. Then comes knife, then corkscrew, then lickable eggbeater."
You watch the "finger crinkliness" meter in the corner of your vision creep ever upward as you spend a dangerously long time in this bath.
The squid was careful this time - it soaked its tentacle in hot spring water and quickly dried it off before lovingly winding it around you.
You crawl under your bedsheets and keep crawling, past the end of your bed, on for miles, until you reach the nexus that unites all beds.
Time for some "me time". You open the wardrobe, take out some of your spare faces, drape them over your pillows, and snuggle up to them.
You fell in love the moment she rested her feet on you, her bare soles ~precisely~ half an inch too far from your bound, wiggling fingers.
Bored sorceress deadpanning all her ancient dread curses
I think the W3C needs to get on the ball with a standard for whether web forums should exist at /forum/ or /forums/.
It's customary for a CEO to announce a hostile takeover by leading around the target company's CEO with marionette wires on their limbs.
A beautiful sorceress laughing as her wounds slurp up all her blood, like greedy little mouths, closing, leaving bare skin in slashed robes.
"Well, time for family carols around the lights of the Christmas router." *wheels across apartment, plays "O Come All Ye Faithful" on phone*
The guard ahead makes moving-forward sounds. You lie in wait, ready to stab his chest and thus attain social dominance and control over him.
"The mouth is where death lives! Your teeth… while your body lives, they rot! Rot like a corpse in the ground!" advises your orthodontist.
Unfortunately for Mario, the team of pit dwarves endlessly forging the rising steel girders at the end of 1-2 were given Christmas off.
"Our trained staff of fire giants gulp up a pool of water, swish it around, and blow all the steam into you! We call it a Ten Second Sauna!"
"If a P.S. was forgotten from a posted letter, it was not uncommon to find the author chasing the mail van, shouting addenda at the driver."
Her neck did more than hold her head up high, or keep proud shoulders from feuding. It sat on a collarbone throne, head of her body's table.
"In 2089, warfare has advanced horrifically. Hovertanks, time-tanks, cybertanks, memetic tanks and dream tanks battle the world over."
You didn't know what you were expecting when you embarked on this journey to "Wake the Cosmic Dream Duck", but
"Ignore all rabbits who claim to offer advice in exchange for "ochre roots", "dirt cones" or "worthless orange sticks" – this is a trick."
"Your secret mission is to enter the secret base to destroy the secret weapon. Here's a cube. You'll learn its purpose when the time comes."
Only after he led their ragtag army to victory against the King of Evil did they realise he was not their prince, but a time-warped 90s kid.
I like written erotica which is in first-person and the character dies at the end, thus implying they're narrating the story to St. Peter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWrUykkc-bs - As a child I had a problem with the ending of this otherwise innocuous counting song.
The pirate buried the only treasure they had – youthful good looks – and sailed away, only to return at life's ebb when they needed it most.
"Turns out there's one last combination of metals the alchemists forgot to check for making gold, and I'll reveal which ones for $20 grand."
Not an accurate depiction of the creative process. (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=39056567)
"As computers get bigger and bigger, the chips inside slowly become chillier. Our best knitters are working on "chip sweaters" as we speak."
This is an elegant, regal dungeon… Spikes as pointy as the V of vain, pits as deep as the -ey in Obey, doors that say "bow" with each knock…
"Whoa! It turns out it IS a Christmas movie after all!" *flips over chart showing Die Hard is an adaptation of The Nutcracker*
I'm glad the top Google result for "CSS4" is an April Fools' article followed by actual documentation.
Y'know, considering how timid CSS is about altering the content, I'm a bit surprised something as powerful as "display:none" ended up in it.
"Come now, that "giant mouth" chasing you down the corridor is not that big a deal. There are many objects in the universe bigger than it!"
The ghost of a dead pizza chef invades a child's doll so he can keep making pizza from beyond the grave in the most awkward manner possible.
(I could then, as a bonus feature, preprocess ":visited" into ".visitedLink", which'd be a new class for links leading to visited passages)
I think I'll just preprocess all the story stylesheets so that ":link" becomes "[class*=Link]" (to select .internalLink or .externalLink).
I actually still have this big file of 1-bit icons that I copy-pasted from other programs' resource forks long ago.
When I suddenly realise I made a mistake, I make a cute "Hnggh!" grunt, which makes me envy the hundreds of tiny ghosts that watch me daily.
"Tip for those making elf erotica: imagine the Arnold Böcklin font, but for genitals."
"To keep the game from offending U.S. audiences, "Satan", "Mary Magdalene" and "Bill Clinton" became "Person A", "Person B" and "Person C"."
"Our attack style is… minimalist." "We're weak, but very quick!" "We prefer to conserve our power!" Yup, you allied with the wrong kingdoms.
"Hold down one Shift key to power up a letter, and hold down both to make its wildest, most whimsical power fantasies come true."
The spy hid the camera in her mouth. Back at base, she extrapolated all of the enemy's plans just from the state of their commander's lips.
To be clear, the only reason "a:link" worked in 1.3.5 is because internal links used to have an utterly spurious href, "javascript:void(0)".
http://twinery.org/wiki/twine_1.4_bugs?&#alink_css_selector - I just found this Twine bug regarding the "a:link" CSS selector and it's kind of bruising my buzz.
"The water animals were just massacred… So dire was their loss that legend says the sky rained water instead of Pepsi on that hallowed day…"
Oh no! Your IV line is literally drawing out your dignity! And the nurse is slurping it up and growing more imposing by the second! Oh, woe!
"My one regret…" croaks the dying queen, "for kissing a thousand lips… is thAT I DIDN'T KISS A THOUSAND MORE!" She bolts from bed, cackling.
The magic spell transforms you into a game over screen. You admire yourself for several seconds while sweet, lilting failure music plays.
The biggest risk of horse-riding was letting the horse grow so strong it'd digivolve into a giraffe, then go wild with unthinkable power.
I get a little smile from this silly-looking line in the Twine 1 engine. It's a technology stack!
http://onsa.xxxxxxxx.jp/img/comet.jpg - "I concealed the comet in the refrigerator on a certain night." (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=21037357)
You can't afford swimming privileges yet, so you just walk along the bottom of the pool beneath everyone else's kicking and paddling legs.
As the glowing purple slime rises around your protective psy-bubble, you stuff your socks into another hole caused by lapsed concentration.
Due to an outbreak of cloud flu, the role of "gloomy gray sky" has fallen to one tiny cumulus. It desperately tries to remember sad movies.
You quickly try to play dead. Unable to shed your levitation ring, you pretend to be a drowned body and hope they think they're underwater.
This fork in the tunnel requires you do a horrid act: make a decision with incomplete knowledge of each choice. You stop playing in protest.
By adding garbage of negative value to dungeons, you lower its total contained value and achieve the same result as taking its treasure out!
Very droll, chrome://flags.
I just wrote this Twine 1 commit message, but now that I think about it, it isn't the best solution, so… *backspace*
"These electricity powers were only supposed to be used to beat yellow foes… Please, just use your hands to carry those plates…"
"Damn me to Hell and throw away the bell, book and candle."
"This video will make your jaw drop and take your breath away, and then use your own breath to blow your mind."
The villain only has you hypnotised for the next 30 seconds… but even they can't resist the chance to use you as a ventriloquist dummy.
I just replayed Slower Mario Bros http://l.j-factor.com/emulation/SlowerMarioBros.nes and when I finished I realised the music from Passage was playing in my head. Aargh
Mirror Stage.
"We've recruited 3 of your toughest daydreams to journey into your memory to find that killer tweet idea you didn't write down on the bus…"
"Ninja duels are about keeping your sword sheathed for as long as possible… The mightiest only unsheathe it days after their foe is dead…"
You really want to use the "-webkit-omnipotence" CSS property, but it isn't in Firefox… Sweat pools on your brow as thunder rages outside…
One of my favourite loading GIFs is actually Flickr's: http://l.yimg.com/g/images/progress/balls-24x12-black.gif It has bright colour, motion, and even slight dimensionality.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Throbbers - I'm not a fan of the "AJAX spinning wheel" loading GIF. So gray, so stiff and immobile.
Graveyard hangout.
(Also I haven't thought much beyond that pair, but I suspect You Will Select a Decision № 2 may take third place.)
(Arguably I should disqualify 868-HACK since A) I was commissioned to write the storyline for it, and B) most people can't even play it yet)
I'll be honest… I don't know how I can choose between Star Wench and 868-HACK. It's a neck-and-neck squeaker.
A game where the NPCs can vote to skip their own cutscenes.
A hard bargain if I ever saw one.
(Though I confess that my interpreting the flashing ?-blocks and coins as glowing light may have diluted the aestheticism a bit.)
http://l.j-factor.com/emulation/ - Reminder that I once made a Mario ROM hack not dissimilar to the silhouette challenge in NES Remix.
You walk into the sea but it keeps receding. Farther on you run, chasing the water, until a mile from shore it rushes back and swallows you.
"This skull tattoo? Means I'm pals with any and all skulls." *shows photos of demon skulls chummily resting their horns on their shoulder*
"Wow!" they say. "Converting our telescopes to kaleidoscopes has made our jobs way less boring!" "No need to thank me, astronomers" you say.
"Great sayings of old… "A dollar saved is a day late"… "A watched pudding gets the proof"… "Do things because I said so"… Timeless wisdom…"
As you awkwardly suck the skeleton's finger, it is reminded of when that finger wore flesh. For the first time in years, it feels very cold.
The detective excuses himself to a nearby closet to take this final, most decisive piece of evidence and quietly, lovingly make out with it.
You empty another machine gun clip into the magician. He's gotta run out of space between his teeth to catch the bullets sooner or later.
You can't normally do a drumroll underwater, but the mermaid emissary compensated with twenty coordinated drummers. You were impressed.
After your body rots away, your shell washes ashore and becomes the centrepiece of a necklace. It becomes more cherished than you ever were.
If you and your Joust opponent collide at exactly equal height, wing-feathers are plucked and the midair tiebreaker tickle-fight commences.
"The title screen plays its music endlessly – music unceasing, music to serenade the player for infinite centuries – until you push Start."
Open wilderness exploration game where the "end boss" is to befriend a fellow nomad who's grown just as fearful and animalistic as you have.
OK, I updated this with more transitions. (You can edit this in Twine 1.4 by downloading the HTML file, then using File->Import->HTML.)
All that's left is complete this admission form for transferal to the candy universe… if… oh my… if you can just… resist eating it first…!
Only when they were cornered by a beast-matriarch who could only be slain with terse irony did the master tweeter's powers ebb and vanish.
"They call me the Principle of Explosion, because I both can and cannot be beaten. …Don't get it? Heh… you will and won't."
"OK, it's the last Nocturgy Crystal… when we break it, our phones better not screw up recording its cool explosion animation yet again."
(It's kind of impressive, but as you can see the CSS finagling causes the words to no longer word-wrap correctly. Alas, alack…)
http://twine1.neocities.org/transitions.html - I'm working on updating my CSS transitions to Twine 1.4. Try out this new WIP "letterfall" transition.
I just checked, and Mastaba Snoopy was actually released on 11-Dec-12, which sadly means my GOTY pick is now a tight contest again.
"Seeing her flick her flowing hair off her face stirred my passions. "Sellotape?" I offered. "Thanks," she said, sticking the strands back."
You can't climb into this coffee jar, but you can drop your nose in and sniff… or take off your skin, fold it into a tiny person, and feel.
Damn, you forgot to accelerate for this road's jump ramp. Your car limply tumbles down onto the cross-road with the other milquetoasts.
A syringe-headed woman jumpily alt-tabbing away from macro photos of arm veins as her boss walks in.
You and your opponent pick cups, drink, and stare. At first, nothing. Then you feel your hat rise, as the bunny ears sprout from YOUR scalp!
A postcardware game whose art assets are all scanned in from the postcards sent as payment for the previous game.
On the day before, you get a phone call. It seems the end of all your pain has again been rescheduled by a year. You add it to the calendar.
"Your goal: design a piece of software containing the Omnifeature – a feature so great, making it is regarded as "winning" software dev! ;)"
I'm now adding http://whoops.undo.it to my list of top domain names, alongside http://they.misled.us and http://whatareyouwait.info.
#IPlayed ANDROID MAKEOUT ATTACK http://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/4740390/ANDROID%20MAKEOUT%20ATTACK.html My favourite kind of android attack.
"You can click on words. But not all the words. Only the blue words. Well, you can click on the white words, but they won't like it one bit"
When you hear her scornful laugh, a shiver runs up your spine! This makes her laugh again, causing a feedback loop that leaves you paralysed
Since you tied your lasso's loop inside-out, it encloses every physical object except your quarry. They taunt you from outside the universe.
You dismount from your horse, but neglect to specify a spatial location to dismount into. You find yourself in a pale void with no exits.
"Alaka-zorch!" The flames fly from your fingers, along with golden runes reading "This incantation is deprecated: please say "Ala-zorchio"".
Twine games sorta remind me of Everything2 fiction nodes, especially the tone, content, and exuberance for the medium.
"You can't defeat me… I know alien dance magic." *lifts arms up and down while sidestepping back and forth to imaginary techno music*
"Squirrel-kun's birthday" (source: http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?id=932023)
#IPlayed Extra Bones' Cryptic Quest http://o1000ir.tumblr.com/post/70135913230/extra-bones-cryptic-quest I feel like the gentle repetitive music is particularly ideal for a Twine game.
I also wonder if Java's verbosity is itself a hyper-reaction to the unpronounceable abbreviations of C's stdlib ("strcmp", "fputs").
I'm amused at the thought of jQuery's highly terse API being a hypersensitive reaction to the length of the DOM's "document.get..." names.
After hours of furious flailing, you finally scrape the loading ball mouse cursor into a jagged point, thus restoring your clicking ability.
"It stars two FBI agents whose names were shot off in a past gunfight and are simply called "Hey!" (surprised) and "Yoooooou" (resentful)."
(Yes, I do understand that type coercion jokes are the lowest of the low, and I'm only perpetuating the cycle of tears that binds us all.)
I added a section to the Twine wiki explaining that in Javascript, 2 + 8 + ”” + 4 equals "104", and on behalf of computer science I'm sorry.
http://twinery.org/wiki/twine_1.4_bugs - I've listed a few more Twine bugs and/or upgrade issues here. Do tell if you encounter any more.
"The real writing in my tweets is before the first letter and after the last," replied the famous tweeter in a spectacularly opaque fashion.
"It's effed up that a distant alien just named our sun "Floopgrokit" and we're stuck with it since we never bothered to name it ourselves."
#IPlayed The Package http://www.shabbyshark.co.uk/games/The%20Package/thepackage.html Fairly suspenseful tersely written game that uses branching to inform an overall story well.
You imagined that your exes still had the lovers you knew buried in them, and you longed to take shovels to their chests and dig them out.
1400+ people excitedly read my newest tweet, only to see it's a joke about ducks preening glue on their wings and getting their bills stuck.
"The costume's huge rainbow wings are purely decorative. The propeller cap is real, though."
"Why can't cats just lick themselves?" *footage of owners running tongues over muddy cats' backs* "It was an unimaginable dream… until now."
"You can always just schedule time afterward to wondering if you made the right choice!" *turns planner to page labeled "After You're Dead"*
You didn't even suspect this puny snake was a mighty naga sorceress until, after she coiled around you, you noticed she was warm-blooded…
"A luxurious computer… All the 0s are velvet-lined plush, and the 1s are warm varnished oak… The CPU fan sounds like a crackling fireplace…"
*solemn figures stoically shooting giant energy blasts in slow motion while sombre piano music plays*
yOu almost squeeze through the o at the entrance of this sentence with your plundered vowels, but she low rs the font size nd traps y u.
All attempts to defund the Giant Crystal Obelisk project have been vetoed by powerful crystal industry lobbyists wielding powerful crystals…
OK I hammered out IFDB pages for a ton of Twine games, so think of me when Wolf Dick Adventure randomly appears on http://Twinery.org.
#IPlayed 63 http://www.excitemike.com/twine/63.html I feel, perhaps overcharitably, like its interface limitations give it a degree of exoludic tenseness.
"The monsters may spill our blood, but we can fill our veins with our tears. When they cut us again, our wounds will bleed clear."
My latest Wiki Dare progress: I wrote a Javascript bookmarklet that pre-fills the IFDB submission form with data for an online Twine game.
"Just goin' up to the old dungeon, gonna pick some boulders and spikes… Don't worry, I've got a big plump body to carry all the spikes in."
"She's the most concentrated evil alive! Imagine salt in your coffee… but with salt grains the size of a planet! That's how evil she is!!"
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/Capri_Toot/ Speaking of Capri Toot, I just updated it so it works again (and uses Sugarcane instead of my makeshift Jonah hack).
I should maybe do another Twine game that uses Capri Toot's binary tree structure I think I appreciated its rigidity.
http://twinery.org/wiki/syntax - Yes, I too am participating in Wiki Dare, the event where you spend a weekend tediously editing Twine wiki pages.
Your first mistake was unwittingly shouting "Great Googly Moogly!" three times in a row while standing on the ancient Moogly Temple's altar.
"Stop the funeral!" shouts a clerk, waving your death certificate. Bashfully, they open your coffin and stir you awake so you can sign it.
Oh, how elegantly gruesome to be strangled by a ghost - their hand reaching into your neck, a tiny whispy pinky curled around your trachea.
Two days after burial, a cadre of masked figures appear over the grave, illegally siphoning the lost years of the victim's natural lifespan.
Your magic sword was knocked away, but it won't be gone for long. You pat your thighs and call "c'mere girl" while dodging your foe's stabs.
Due to the swamp lacking coding expertise and electricity, the fangame "Revenge of Frogger" was just the designers trampling toy cars live.
"After she died, she became Queen of Ghosts. After she was exorcised, she became Queen of Devils. Nothing can stop her from being a ruler…"
http://l.j-factor.com/maps/billthedemon-circle8.png - I recently changed this to my desktop pattern, and I have surprisingly few regrets.
"You can get the Sphinx to keep giving you more guesses by alternating between "Pretty please with sugar on top?" and "WOW! I just got it!""
(I'm making another version of my vast Twine archive file, and just posted that out of curiousity.)
http://pastebin.com/FWzqeUzu - Twine game names, sorted by length.
Little did those snowball-throwing kids know that the gentleman's top hat was the one object sealing his scalp's immense destructive power
"Why would anyone not wear a sumptuous wig every day? You get an amazing hairdo with none of the work! It's a free lunch!"
You look back on that "Top 10 Most Overhyped Games of 2013" list and realise that most of them weren't even really hyped ~that~ much.
Desperate to stop the young upstart, he prepares a monstrous subtraction problem: 999,999,999,999 - 999,999,999,997! So many decimal places!
You put your ear to the time bomb. "Can I ignite nowwww?" whines a tiny voice. "No," replies another. "Aww," whimpers the first voice sadly.
To punish humankind for the hubris of building a tower to Heaven, she put her lips to it like a straw and blew chaotic bubbles in the Earth.
You decide to order "Spells of the Programming Arch-Maguses" and "Incantations of the Programming Necromancers" just to be on the safe side.
Error messages as rites of initiation into new worlds.
http://twinery.org/wiki/if#invalid_usage - I'm writing this section and feeling apologetic that these sensibly written expressions are not actually valid.
If anyone using Twine 1.4 has spotted what might be a bug, feel free to pop me a note so I can add it to this list: http://twinery.org/wiki/twine_1.4_bugs
#IPlayed DECODEXER.EXE https://googledrive.com/host/0B75LNPIaUYMcOWZyN2hUOXNfMFE/DECODEXER.html Playing a short silly word game with your computer. (source: http://gothmogthegothmog.tumblr.com/)
"Has your so-called mentor told you nothing? About "Incident X"?! You fool… You fool… You fool…" *repeats endlessly until player exits room*
Both you and your antimatter universe counterpart get intoxicated by each other's breath, so you shout at each other with noses inches apart
"Every one of her vibrant hair flicks releases enough fungal dandruff to poison a continent. Her briefest callous laugh makes humans faint!"
"An experience so real, the "real" world is as a restful, ephemeral dream beside it, your cares and responsibilities mere vacuous fancies."
"The problem lies somewhere in this area." *starts circling patient's brain, pen veers off and rapidly circles a nearby drawing of Earth*
A bunch of characters from previous tweets suddenly burst into this one, convinced they're getting closer to finally escaping into reality.
Your cell's clock reads 3PM. Time for the Nose Show! You gaze at your wiggling nose and become entranced by its meaty, fleshy gyrations.
The spider-tanks are reclining in their vast webs and refusing to skitter into battle. Maybe they were modeled after the wrong arthropod.
Just before you slay the end boss, the game asks a question: How can you beat it… if it's really a spreadsheet?! Your taxes suddenly appear.
(You are, however, encouraged to alternatively use tagged stylesheets, which are a newer, slightly more user-friendly form of Tag CSS.)
(By "script" I refer specifically to the Javascript, not whatever CSS you have that uses [data-tags] selectors – that remains usable.)
Twine 1.4 note: if you've been using my Tag CSS script (http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/5013), you should now remove it, as it is built into 1.4 now.
The first goomba offers the defeated Mario a choice: death, or to join it on its own adventure, one far mightier than a mere rescue mission.
A tongue getting bitten by its own fellow teeth must feel like a tremendous betrayal of lifelong trust.
http://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=manga&illust_id=32919181 - This comic is a bit puerile but I must confess that I like its core concept. (Read right-to-left)
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/taxonomy/term/7944 - Here are most all of my Twine blog's pages whose scripts are now installed into Twine 1.4 by default.
Maybe I'm in the wrong sort of mood to be writing Twine wiki code examples.
Now that Twine 1.4 is out, the truly hard work must begin… *distant thunder* Documentation. *wolves howling while pawing at keyboards*
The only peers for the torrent of your uploaded mind have the files for your regrets, but not the ones for your hopes.
"Tandem rocket-jumping has well and truly replaced tandem bicycles as the go-to symbol for Hollywood romance."
A gang of teens are in the back of the pharmacy, applying bandage after bandage before a battle to "overheal" and increase maximum HP.
You're 30 mins into the game, "Everlasting Darkness", so called because every time you light a torch, you instantly sneeze and blow it out.
You gaze into the crystal ball. The tiny people inside quickly mime a highway robbery. You unscrew the top and sprinkle food in as a reward.
Stock-photo entrepreneurs leaving trails of marker pen flowcharts and mind-maps hovering in midair, immune to all known wipes and sprays…
You wish you could record footage of these hypnotised heroes diligently tying each other up, then play it back to them over and over.
Your adventuring party's fairy keeps laughing at your arch-nemesis's sarcastic quips, and it was cute at first but now it's just irritating.
"Please update me," murmurs your tiny robot, its auto-update lamp burning. "I suddenly feel really inferior."
It's just the illusionist's spell that makes your trusty sword resemble a banana – but now you wish a banana this deadly existed for real.
The brainthief stole your spells and replaced them with lewd memories, so when you try to cast Searing Light VI, only your cheeks light up.
At this point you're frantically racing to get home before the sun starts to set and your shadow grows big enough to overpower you.
"These hairs tried to take over the world!" she says, pointing to one of her crystal hairclips. "And THESE tried to take over the UNIVERSE!"
Of course, I'll take full responsibility for any bugs encountered, and will graciously accept any and all reports.
I've asked Chris to put it on the site, but for the moment you can try it out via these links: http://l.j-factor.com/twine/Twine-1.4-OSX.zip http://l.j-factor.com/twine/Twine-1.4-windows.zip
I've prepared a Twine 1.4 release build just now – decided to get it over with, especially since Ludum Dare's around the corner.
"You helped me in my hour of need," you whisper to the unsaved Notepad window. "I'll never forget you," you lie as you close without saving.
You're about to be fried by a solar flare… while watching your two worst enemies make out… on your birthday. …No! You can't let this happen!
Pirate necromancers unearthing buried caskets to resurrect the treasurebeasts within – returning flesh to jewel eyes and coin bones…
Your atomship soars through a subatomic crowd. Bulky protons flogging tiny electrons, gluons ticking quarks… The building blocks of reality…
a moan that was audible from space."
http://twine1.neocities.org/jonahlayertest2.html - Hey, I just pasted some of my CSS transitions into that example, and I didn't expect it to look quite this swanky.
You got your client cleared of murder… But the victim was actually a mega-murderer? So now your client's guilty of NOT killing them? Wuh-oh!
Good god… These downtrodden proles buy liquid happiness in soda cans! You smack it out of their hands and lecture them on positive thinking.
You awake in 3002, where it's illegal to feel hope… Now you're on the run in a dystopia that's one motivational speech away from revolution…
http://twine1.neocities.org/jonahlayertest.html - Here's a mock-up story showing one of the design concepts I had in mind while implementing that Jonah CSS thing.
The whole notion of objects as a generic key-value data type was seemingly a convenient afterthought.
This explains why block syntax has higher precedence than object syntax! It explains why "{" at the start of a line always defines a block.
Now I've discovered something else: object literals didn't exist in JS 1.0 either. You had to call a constructor to make all your objects!
"As you survive for longer and longer, the enemies get more financially successful and secure in their wellbeing, so watch out!"
"I used to lie awake next to you, wondering which of us would die first," she said, raising the blaster to your face. "Now I know."
I forgot that Game Maker lets you set this Windows executable information.
I guess I'm a little worried that I've only introduced more inscrutable magic into the opaque process of using CSS on Twine stories.
Such a method is still capable of being hacked around, though - by, say, indirectly referring to a .passage element with "#‌passages > div".
So, a ".passage a" rule for styling hyperlinks would remain applicable in the past, but "a.internalLink" would not.
I resorted to a naive solution: the rule must have the ".passage" selector to be applicable in the past, else it only applies to the present
So, for instance, a "dark" passage could darken the page's background when it's in the present, but not when it's in the past.
The intended behaviour for Jonah tag CSS is for the present passage's CSS to style the whole page, but past passages style only themselves.
The problem is determining which rules in a stylesheet passage refer to elements inside a .passage, and which refer to elements outside.
So instead, I wrote a thing to manually add the appropriate [data-tags] selector to each appropriate CSS rule at runtime.
This could be possible with HTML5's <style scoped> element, but 3/4s of browsers don't support it, and existing polyfills aren't robust.
That is, past passages retaining their styles and ignoring other passage styles, without the author needing to add the [data-tags] selector.
The thing in question was getting the new Twine tag CSS to work with Jonah:
Yesterday I spent 12 hours implementing something horrible in order to get something that really shouldn't have worked, to work.
"You know what they say… Pain today, mirth tomorrow. The good delay. Hop the fence and lose your vest. You can't lick a duck in deep water."
"Spider With Four Shotguns has been ranked up to God Tier after the discovery that you can reload one shotgun while firing another."
"Frizzle frazzle frozzle flerk, why won't these regexes work" incants the sorcerer as he dumps handfuls of backslashes into the cauldron.
It's sunrise… *foley of sun stomping up gravel path to the sky* Birds are singing… *foley of songs stomping up gravel path in birds throats*
(When I watched it I had to resort to covering the titles with my hand using lightning-fast reflexes.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzuDb3Supxs I really wish there was a version of this video that didn't have intercut titles spoiling all the jokes (be warned).
A truly regrettable bug indeed.
This NetHack bug actually describes a pretty cute situation.
The devs actually accepted a bugfix patch from me back in 2005, and now I know I'm never going to see that sweet, delicious readme credit.
You didn't know what you were expecting when you leaped those platforms to get this "0up" item, but at least the sound effect was pleasant.
"Rules are rules. You defeat seven elemental bosses… you BECOME seven elemental bosses."
http://nethack.org/ - HAPPY 10 YEARS OF NO UPDATES, NETHACK ;_;
More example Twine code, showing the style of using visited() instead of <<set>>.
Your lawyer slyly opens a briefcase, revealing a tiny courtroom of ants. "If I can win the trial in here, I can win yours by induction."
"Don't ya hate it when you lie back on your arm and accidentally push the power button on your neck for 5 seconds? You waste the whole day!"
"Nipples are like pupils – they just disappear whenever the owner becomes sufficiently powered up."
http://twinery.org/wiki/twine_1.4_release_notes I wrote up most all upcoming Twine 1.4 features. Can you tell where I gave up and started copypasting commit messages
The townsfolk saw that mysterious quarry was signed "Demons Free Zone"… But when the clock hit midnight… An apostrophe appeared near the S!!
"A town so poor that the roads were pulled up and sold, forcing citizens to hop fences and dash across yard after yard just to go anywhere."
You enter the whimsical town of Candy Paradise. After the war, all that's left of the candy are the empty wrappers, but the citizens make do
The first [0] puts 0 in an array at position 0, and the second [0] takes it out again. Array literals and array indexing use the same braces
One peeve I have about JS and similar proglangs is you can write "[0][0]" and the 2nd bit has completely different semantics to the 1st bit.
That really explains so much. It explains why arguments[] is just an array-like object. It explains why "typeof []" equals "object"!
#TIL the reason the DOM has so many "array-like objects" that aren't functional arrays… is because in Javascript 1.0, there were no arrays.
I'm sorry, Twitter Bootstrap documentation… but the "Lorem Hipster" site is not a legitimate text generator.
I'm feeling a little wistful that the buttons in Twitter Bootstrap have finally been flatdesigned out in version 3.
"The gates of Heaven may be forever shut," says the inspirational speaker, "but God has left us with plastic halos and white spray-paint."
I'm impressed at the multiple levels of obscurantism at work here – it's reminiscent of The Lost Levels' copious 'red herring' secrets.
But, by dropping and picking up the Crash powerup frequently during the battle, Kirby can use normal attacks without the powerup being lost.
A powerup which seems like it can't be brought to the end! The level has a miniboss, but using Crash to attack it will exhaust the powerup.
For you see, the *actual* solution is to realise that a fourth powerup can also light the fuse - Crash, which is at the start of the level.
It seems like one of these should be the solution to the puzzle, but none of them actually allow you to reach the cannon in time.
Let me explain what I mean: in the cannon room, you're given a choice of three powerups to light the fuse – Flame, Fireball, Laser.
Unable to choose one of the Princess's lavish dresses to steal, you put on all of them at once… You're a master of stealth… You can do this…
You and your friend swapped hair for a day and at first you resisted running your fingers through it… but your hands just couldn't be tamed…
"Yes, we opened the Tomb of the Incredibly Lethal Curse, but we released 2 dozen rats into it so the curse'll be split between them and us."
"Washouts! My whole army is full of washouts!" howls the Snow General at his melted forces – not even caring about accidental puns anymore.
I just made tomorrow's http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/ update, and I thought it'd be another phoned-in cop-out, but it actually looks ~pretty sweet~.
I just remembered that the cannon fuse puzzle in Kirby's Adventure level 7-5 is basically a huge bait-and-switch worthy of The Lost Levels.
"Yeah, I got force-roboticised in the war… Don't worry, I've got pills for it." *rattles box of AA batteries*
A fervent order of monks vigilantly nudge the mouse of their deity's computer each hour, lest its password-protected screensaver take hold.
When the Python tutorial begins a sentence with "Once you begin releasing code…", I imagine coral spawning for some reason.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Grail_(web_design) - I love that there's a common website layout that is literally named after CSS's inability to adequately produce it.
I know what causes this during iPad zoom, but I'm unsure how to fix it without breaking CSS backwards-compatibility.
"Ha! By putting 100% of its deadliness into its horn, this beast's body is utterly harmless! Its stomps and bites are like pats and licks."
There's a squad encounter about every 3 levels, and they're all pretty distinct from each other, thankfully.
Occasionally, they're ambushes: the chest is in the open but grabbing it summons a strong Squeak and a ton of cute minions.
Sometimes they're races: Kirby and the Squeak outrun each other to a chest. Sometimes, chases: the chest is in a retreating Squeak's grasp.
They all revolve around one of the squad members chasing a big treasure chest and taking it to their base area before Kirby can get it.
The only really noteworthy parts of Kirby: Squeak Squad are the titular squad encounters, which are actually fairly refreshing events.
The magician frantically bribed the whole audience not to tell the secret to his bungled trick. But when they got home, the money… was GONE.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/69103722678/pokemon-stadium-2 - I just dig Chansey aggressively flapping her hair which is inexplicably prehensile.
OK, sure, whatever, I'm human, I occasionally crack up when I see a string of AAAAAAAAAAAAs in base64 encoded data.
"In the early 70s, his father tried a desperate get-rich-quick scheme: sell four very specific t-shirts to the Beatles for $1 million each."
One of my hobbies is forcing the browser Javascript console to print primitive values as if they were objects.
Strum your nipples like you're shredding two crowd-winning solos on two tiny guitars at the same time.
TBH I'm a little miffed that "new Boolean(false)" doesn't make the world's only falsy JS object. I think that would've been pretty amazing.
#TIL there is one use-case for Javascript's Boolean() constructor: making a truthy object which == false
"An off-by-two error in a high-energy arithmetic lab has caused the first positive integer to be deleted from all mathematics and language."
"The compiler gradually realises it wouldn't have to keep converting these ints to longs if it weren't for the existence of inferior humans,
"They say the Murdermoon droids have 50 words for homicide… "murder-for-inheritance", "murder-of-blackmailer", "murder-of-love-forbidder"…"
Are they going to pull a Politoed on it, and in another decade release an item that lets it ~finally~ evolve into a butterfly… into MOTHRA?
Pokémon tweet: what the heck is Pupitar
"The secret of my success: all my games end with the player getting blown up and the words "TO BE CONTINUED" flying out of the explosion."
While browsing your body's CSS, she idly adds " * {display:inline}", transforming you into a fleshy cube of compressed anatomical features.
It turns out that the "___" in the exam question was not the answer to find, but just the examiner's shorthand for the verb "underscores".
"The SI prototype for the Google Knol has been losing 0.037 factoids per year, for reasons scientists can't really be bothered to explain."
"If you can solve a maze by putting your hand on the left wall, imagine how fast you can solve it by pressing your whole body against it."
You wake up in the future where your rival has conquered Earth and carved it in the shape of her smirking head. Arggh! That was your idea!!
Since the movie has just cut to another scene, everyone lapses into a trance as reality descends into the fog of unseen, unscripted events.
"What's the weirdest thing you can think of?" "A world where a life of pain goes unredeemed." "OK! Our bargains are TWICE as weird as that!"
"When a parent first holds their baby, over 50,000 of their skin-mites cross over. Without them, the baby will harden to stone in weeks."
…a symmetry that isn't normally visible when blocks use identical symbols for themselves.
I guess it's OK that braces for objects are optional, but I feel leaving them in provides a pleasing symmetry with array literals,
CoffeeScript tweet: I feel like the official coding style squanders the chance to finally separate object literal syntax from block syntax.
Which makes me observe that "actual" first-person games rarely to never partake in this kind of loose, dream-like navigation.
This seems to work because the game is implicitly in first-person – the player is a disembodied camera with no physical presence.
And often, the distinction between "inspecting" and "traveling" disappears altogether as you play.
When you have, say, a drawer, clicking it sometimes means "inspect the drawer" – but it can also seamlessly mean "travel into the drawer".
One thing I like about The Manhole/Cosmic Osmo/other HC games is the looseness of the click as both the "travel" and "interact" verb.
You had time to get off the seesaw as that skyscraper tipped over and fell on the other end. It's like you wanted to be helplessly airborne.
Your nemesis caught you in a huge pole net on your way to work. Behind her you dangle, entangled, as she carries the pole over her shoulder.
What if grownups rhapsodised about other accessories of adulthood as much as they do about coffee – like jeans, or wallets, or car keys.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HyperTalk#Handling_text - I'm finally reading the wiki page for HyperCard's proglang, and finding it surprisingly charming.
Police have requested the press not refer to Splurgo's latest robbery as a "splurglary"… But the ravenous public knows what it wants…
When she said she'd tickle you "1000 times in base 2", that actually meant she'd tickle you 1000 times with two of her digits.
"In the event of a 4-way tie in a Poker game, players must set their Hungry Hungry Hippos on the table and munch up the chips in the pot."
"Whenever your opponent moves a knight, reveal this card and say "We're on the Moon," causing their knight to leap too high and float away."
"\n in strings is wordlessly replaced with a line break. If you ask the string where the \n went, it will return "You don't need to know"."
WWW Tip: Use the jumbo-size <script> comment tags to make your code five times as browser-compliant as usual.
"You'll never take me alive!" he cried as he hurled himself into the cliff edge – not yet brave enough to hurl himself over it.
"A rogue Rumplestiltskin is on the loose, blasting scarecrows into gold and making the crows rich enough to buyout the farmers outright."
You feel something on your shoulder. One of the snails from the cave wants to join you on your adventure. "Caw, caw," it hazards.
You hope being sucked into an atlas was an actual part of this side-quest – you'd hate to have boss-battled all 7 continents for nothing.
You successfully erased the door to your prison cell! You gaily gallop out into an endless silent paper-white void, embracing your freedom.
At that moment, a high-altitude bird flies into the wire holding the noon sun aloft, sending the gunfighters' shadows spinning dramatically!
The 'water' course, for instance, starts on an island hill, descends into the sea, passes through a shipwreck, and ends on the ocean floor.
Due to the linearity of snowboarding, Snowboard Kids courses have a lot of interesting progression that the circuit kart-racer games lack.
Only 5 of the 11 racecourses in Snowboard Kids 2 actually have snow in them, and I think that's wonderful.
Little filigree-thin connectors for Twine stylesheet passages that only apply to specific tags…?
It's a space lumberjack's ultimate mission… Denude this planet of Shaverplants and Scissorferns… before they denude your glorious head!
You're stuck on a purple energy spiderweb by a negative zone sorceress, and your only fear is that the strands will rip your school uniform.
I need precisely two more tumblr users to follow my blog http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/ so the follow count can reach a specific interesting number.
Your jaw clenches. Your teeth link hands. Your lips fuse into one. But a single incredibly skilled whimper defies them all and escapes.
"This eyepatch is all I've got to look tough! Piercings? Short hair? Ripped skirts? No way I can have those without my parents finding out!"
As you tug the doorknob to freedom, you see why the escape hall had no guards – no one survives the static shock from miles of thick carpet.
"You don't understand… These character costumes and soundtrack songs are treasure beyond dreams. That's why they were in this huge chest."
You agree to spend 1 day in Hell, in exchange for being sucked in while amusing party guests by miming descending a staircase behind a sofa.
Hiding in the herbal tea cupboard has backfired - by the time she opens it, you're too relaxed and soothed to launch your surprise attack.
You've been fighting this boss for 10 mins, and all you want to know is when it'll use its Ooze Cruise attack so you can see what it's like.
The town clock tower housed the clock on the ground floor, on the premise that without its weight, the tower could be much, much taller.
You're looking into being crushed in such a way that all your shame and anxiety squirts out of your body, but your blood and bones stay in.
Medusa flicking back and forth between channels, petrifying newsreader after newsreader, until only cute quivering interns are left.
Sensing your frustration at crashing your plane for the 10th time, the game makes the explosion keep growing bigger until it consumes Earth.
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