Leon's Microblog – December 2012

http://l.j-factor.com/ - My website is now back to normal.
Grades were high at Ace Elementary… until mean ol' state standardised testing made the curriculum so boring that EVERYONE started flunkin'…
"You flunked your exams… and saved the school," he says, giving them honourary certificates that their employers will laugh at in 10 years.
Clandestine social network "Flunkster" set up by failing school kids to plan their ingenious schemes to beat the exams without studying…
"Look, I don't need this guff from a client. Tell me, which of us will still be alive in two days? Yes, not so high and mighty now, are we?"
"You got the death penalty… but the way she rolled the G of 'garroting' makes me think she likes you? Oh, and I'll be charging your widow."
The Santa Clause 3 for GBA has you collect hundreds of floating piles of milk and cookies. Homely tradition ossified into game abstraction.
"Only the royal family can afford fire fresh from the dragon. Common peasants must rely on the inferior flame breath of their own dogs."
"Alas, you are unable to break your own eggshell. You lived for 0 seconds, and took 0 chunks from the farmboy's hand out of a possible 120."
"Throw the duck at the apple in the tree to get the final magic pie ingredient. If you miss, use the genie's lamp to wish for another duck."
The nurse swabs your shoulder, then your arm, other arm, chest, both legs and head. Then she readies the giant syringe to slurp you up.
"Dire rear" puns increase at an exponential rate - scientists peg 1/1/13 as an event they call "the direst day" and "the rear of the world"…
In a dark laboratory… A machine with a single bulb that lights when someone thinks of the "diarrhea = dire rear" pun… Its purpose, unknown…
Challenge: play one of my old web games (such as http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/All_Against_One/), but before you begin, click the all-new mirror icon below it.
It's not often that you get a videogame sequel taking its predecessor's technical limitation abstractions and wryly literalising them.
Let's not forget how neat it was that Mother 3 took EarthBound's generic out-of-battle enemy sprite and made it into an actual creature.
Opera has no problem rendering hyperlinks that are both rotated and have CSS shadows.
I'm still hunting for the CSS that lets me do this http://www.mspaintadventures.com/007395/ outside of Flash. Surely the W3C got this one covered on day 1.
Aagh, I looked at my own website for too long and now the rest of the world wide web looks off-kilter. Damn my ingenious cunning!
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/Tiny_Sorceress/ - A boon of using a dithered B&W background is that unexpected moiré patterns emerge in these situations.
http://l.j-factor.com/ - I like that only a few lines of CSS3 are necessary to tilt your entire website 5 degrees to the left.
You try and click the close box, but the close box has been anesthetised. You carefully prod it in search of a spot that isn't quite numb.
"Our bullets aren't effective when we fire them left and right." "We must attack in a different direction. We'll have to Shoot 'Em Up."
"It's not like me and my knife are a unified front," he said, leaning in. "Certainly it gets results, but I question some of its… methods."
A generation of Zelda-inspired games which continue the tradition of hiding vast, wondrous treasure in the upper-right corner of their maps.
How many games have been shamelessly inspired by Warning Forever? There's Captain Forever, Warning Foregone, Battleships Forever…
"Sir, up until now our combat strategies were based on a simulated flow of time." "You mean…" "Yes. We must now use… a Real-Time Strategy."
Sadly, I don't think I can get this to loop.
You're not sure what this disk drive is doing to this floppy, but judging from these loud thudding noises, it's relishing it very much.
"People who sleep near windows have found their SynthHair grows towards the light… Are we really the unknowing hosts to painted grass?!"
You try to flee this dark, wet realm of phone-sucking, but you've grown utterly dependant on your own oral phone, the "electronic teat".
You increasingly discover oral-phoners in the shadows of very high places. The machinery of power, it seems, has a tongue wrapped around it.
You're soon pulled deep into the oral-phone world, like a phone pulled deep into a mouth. You begin to forget what closed lips look like.
The mysterious oral-phone subculture… "Why do we need to talk," they say, phones deep in their mouths, "when our tongues can text?"
Having badly overused the term "auto-magic", advertisers must now resort to the increasingly desperate "auto-mystic" and "auto-magnificent".
Donkey Kong: King of Swing. No one really gave this climb-em-up a fair look. (At least it got a sequel on the DS.)
I never really noticed that the swimming physics in Super Mario Bros. is basically Joust minus the jousting. Interesting ROM hack idea…
I'm a bit disappointed @cactusquid didn't add an achievement for listening to all 10 minutes of the Hotline Miami main menu music in one go.
It becomes clear that the game just isn't paying attention when "SOME" and "A BUNCH" start appearing above stomped goombas instead of "100".
I'm a bit disappointed that this isn't a real Famicom game.
Mario longs to use a bladed weapon, but must live with his curse: every time he touches one, it disappears and the nearest bridge explodes.
I just listed to Carol of the Bells for maybe the first time, and, er, this seems refreshingly intense for a Christmas carol.
The eyepatch fitted by your captor left you unable to tell, until too late, that the kitten was not small and near but giant and far away.
A man struggles to figure out if the "slow but quick" race in the game's character creator is a typo, or something transcending human logic.
"As the tallest person in my village, the role of late-night cesspit lighthouse chose me."
Adventure game where every single audio diary gets interrupted halfway through by the speaker having to calm down their numerous rowdy cats.
The edifice rises from the sands… and keeps rising… bigger and bigger… you turn to run from the expanding radius of sinking sand around it …
"So your new game, it uses a mouse?" asks the rat investor. "Good! I love job opportunities for my kind. Here's two thousand cheddar cubes."
Turn-based game where both sides collaboratively tell an erotic tale, and whoever makes the other orgasm _just from hearing the tale_ wins.
Hrrgh, I just spent four consecutive hours trying to beat Hexest and I never got further than 28:50… How pathetic of me…
Public outcry reached fever pitch at the discovery that half the city's zebra crossings are just horse crossings painted with black stripes.
How many bicycle wheels is too much? Octocyclists snarl across the room at dodecacyclists: "You're toying with power you don't understand!"
Why don't the city's no-fly zones also extend to homemade zeppelins? Teen steampunk LARP hijinks are pummeling property values…
Is the pothole problem caused by lax restrictions on underground drill-machines? A charismatic spokesdwarf persuades us to think otherwise…
"How deep must street puddles be before main roads can permit hovercraft?" Some argue an inch. Others say only spider-tanks must be allowed.
First order of business: pedestrian cartwheel lanes. Pressure's mounting to convert them to forward roll lanes. Smoke fills the room…
Transport dept meeting. The unicycle lobby is out in full force, juggling aggressively. If we're here all night, they'll light the batons.
Text adventure where anything you do to an object causes it to shatter into pieces unless you prefix each verb with "very carefully".
"Would that my suffering could be given meaning," he thought. "Would that my scars formed a beautiful pattern instead of this hideous mess."
"Many still fondly remember the original cartoon with Uncle Killviscerator and the Viscera, cheery anthropomorphic guts and flesh chunks."
You "accidentally" spill the smoking flask of transformation potion all over you, and gasp in mock-surprise as you burst out of your dress.
It seems the chicken's peck you sustained in the forest has become infected… tiny feathers are sprouting and your lips have hardened.
I know most of the indie game year-end lists have already been done but I nominate Gamer Mom for best product placement http://adventure.gamism.org/gamer_mom/
"Some wonder if Uncle Killviscerator is a real person, or just a marketing invention to sell killvisceration devices to wholesome families…"
You rattle the rusted key in the stiff old lock. You know one or the other must give, and the roaring behind you is increasing the suspense.
She clasps your head and stretches your neck up and up and up, until your head is so far from your arms that you're powerless to protect it.
It seemed pleasant to begin with, but it's become clear this cute robot taking your saliva sample will not stop until you are dessicated.
Your cunning plan to fill the spike pit with water has awakened the deadly spikesnails from their slumber - and they think you're lettuce!
Reminder that last year I made this chapter on the front screen of the Super Meat World portal.
"Gimme whatever your money is!" the world-stranded robber said. The alien offered some black slime. The robber studied its face anxiously.
You wake up. You have been forced into a strange costume made of cubes with the letters "W A S D" painted on it. Suddenly a giant hand appea
Carelessly placed < and > marks in people's tweets used as fast-travel stairways by a disgruntled @-sign gone rogue.
Pouring marshmallows into the spike pit was your big plan. Little did you think that the heat would turn it into a sweet and deadly embrace!
The most important part of a super move is when you turn and grin at the camera during the slow motion bit.
Game boss that tries to lure the camera away from the player by flashing spoilers on the screen.
"I'm almost home!" thought the balloon. But then a pesky breeze blew it across the meadow into a set of extreme platforming challenges.
"Lizards can't be attacked unless their X position is a multiple of 3. Walruses are invincible, but die if you stand northeast of them."
#IPlayed this Twine game: http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/4796 The Game Over messages are sad - your death being willfully misinterpreted, made meaningless.
The submarine's crew told the tale of a much bigger submarine sucking them into its torpedo tube and launching them out for humiliation.
The house's servantry wasn't permitted to use the floor, and had to accept the indignity of walking on the ceiling in upside-down boots.
While this huge chandelier has made an excellent hiding place, the ceiling's creaks tell you that a dramatic entrance may soon be in order!
Try as you might to block out the scent of the banquet below, a fat drop of saliva escapes your lips and plops loudly in the Emperor's wine.
Jetpack Exhaust Is Not A Toy *slow pan to nude pilot holding pack over groin and sweating in terror as he just barely squeezes the thrust*
"Ah, pay me no notice… I am regarded as 'an inferior class of friend' by respected friend critics, and rank low in the World Friend Scale…"
Far across the Slimetrudge, through the dread Ankleslurp Mire, and in the thickest, stickiest depths of Bootsuck Gripgoop…
In the achewaste of Bloodslither, where the croneweed rustles and cackles in the doomwind, where the firecrust pops and dreamfumes billow…
The cave still hasn't ended. The constant licking of your blood by tiny insect mouths has been long forgotten in the wake of your headache.
"This content is not safe for work, school, church, roads, your home, your memories, or anywhere else where you can get caught."
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/4787 - This short Pokemon game that just hit @gtrwx is pretty good.
"Only my master can decrypt my genitals," she said. Her lover stroked a lump of her obfuscated flesh and asked, "well, do we have to?"
"Listen," he said to his graphic artist, "this explosion has to be wild and all over the place, like Cookie Monster eating a rainbow."
Posing as the Emperor's historian, the spy was questioned at the party. By night's end she'd invented 5 more arguments for her persecution.
You can follow the thief by the cracks left by her feet on the thin ice - but do you dare risk your own heavy feet on such weakened ground?
Your spaceboat has capsized near Venus… You may need to grav-paddle to atmo-shore and light a solar flare when a star-plane flies over.
For frogs, "bog-standard" is actually the highest standard. Horses feel the same about "run-of-the-mill", and snails for "common or garden".
"It takes training to kill a dungeon… Quietly sever the treasure arteries… Cut the trap tendons… Then stab deep into the center chamber!"
Drowning out the siren's enticing trill with the noise of ripping up your own garments may soon prove to be a costly tactic.
#IPlayed The Lode Runner. http://wurb.com/if/game/1157 Super basic, but I like that the horrific, inexplicable IF death scene is given to an NPC.
Caught practicing the Emperor's signature, the forger is put to work signing death warrants.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/38743518678/cocoron - It was either this or the unicycling Santa jugging fried chicken in Jikkyou Oshaberi Parodius.
#IPlayed VHS Maluco. http://arcaica-pfp.blogspot.com.br/2012/12/vhs-maluco-offline.html A surprisingly slick production! (via @retroremakes)
#IPlayed Max and the Magic Marker. I'm 4 levels in and the mood is so limp and unenthusiastic. (At least the boy's good at climbing.)
"'The soap is alive!' you'll scream. And it is! But look: it only wants to scrub you down with its stretchy arms. It does the work for you!"
The final boss of Hotline Miami looks sort of like the kind of guy @madamluna would draw fanart of.
As the tentacle slides up your naked thigh, you realise your only thought is "No, wait, squids have tentacles, octopuses just have arms."
"I may have delegated the responsibility of killing to my blade" said the disarmed man, "but I can still return that role to my bare hands!"
"I have no misplaced affection for my weapons. I see my mace for what it is: a subordinate. A cumbersome surrogate for my own fist."
The hands of master thieves never sleep. To keep them from scampering incessantly, some sleep near dishes of coins for them to fondle.
You find the fighter asleep, his huge, weary fists slumbering beside him. The left fist briefly stirs, deep in dreams of sweat-moist cheeks.
As the bees crawled on the papered walls, they began to suspect this "vertical flower patch" was but a fiendish illusion by a cruel genius.
"Foiling your escape attempts always makes me sad. But do you know what always makes me happy? Making up for lost time with you afterward!"
"They say the treasure is in a cave called Satan's Armpit… and it can only be revealed by calling forth something called Lucifer's Giggles."
"Well, the only places looking for work are MuckCorp, which only wants people coated in 3 layers of caked mud, and Grimex, which demand 4."
Your guncrystal glows with stored power. The handle shakes and grows hot in your hand, as if the energy is alive and begging for release.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/38654890021/super-mario-world-2-yoshis-island - It took ages to capture footage where A) the background and foreground synch up, and B) Yoshi doesn't stumble around.
An ominous GameShark code.
I wonder what the all-important December 25th update on my videogame GIF blog is going to be
"I filled this chamber with giant hotplates and spatulas to remind you of home. Because this is your home now. I don't want you to forget!"
A puzzle game so minimalist, it has combined keys and doors into the single 'locked key' item, which destroys itself when you touch it.
"An unknown hacker has attacked the Christmas Carol Tier List and added 500,000 votes for 'All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth'."
"In a maze where doors take you to different times, not places…" - and here he jangles his pocketwatch - "…a clock is your compass."
"Wait don't go to sleep yet! I think I've still got another killer tweet in me! Hrrrngg hrrrnggGGG PEACH EROTICALLY SHAVING MARIO'S STACHE."
The high-class citizens of this fallout shelter can afford the luxury of squeezing their mouths directly into the grille of Oxygen Vent A.
"Did you choose the Maximum Fish Hack?!" hollers your squadmate as the sky of 2-3 turns red with Cheep-Cheeps. "Did you, you scumbag?!"
I found a place in Super Mario Bros. 2 where you can one-hit Birdo with an invincibility star obtained from the previous room. Aaahhh.
Well, that's my tale. *zooms out to reveal all my tweets were inside a framing story of a gang of louts trying to push over a Coke machine*
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/U-Bend/ - Step right up, step right up! Two boxes, eight spinners, one ball, it's my new game.
One other thing about Corrypt is that the graphics are good at conveying 'gloomy clammy swampforest' without actually having explicit trees.
I don't really do Follow Fridays but this webcomic fellow is occasionally pretty funny https://twitter.com/ryanqnorth/status/239393456508784640
Wrote a fix for a Hotline Miami bug that only I seem to have noticed (enemies with double-barrel shotguns make the wrong gunshot sound).
Just remembered I spent a lot of time covetously reading Lego product catalogues when I was 4 and 5.
You see here a fumarole. >EXAMINE FUMAROLE It's a hot, steamy fumarole. >EAT FUMAROLE You have died for reasons which should be obvious.
Swamp 1 President demands his new nationalistic book "Swamp 2 Sucks" be printed solely on "Everlasting Paper" (stitched candybar wrappers).
Wizards poring over inscrutable texts, wresting lore from gnarled, clenched runes… Each crinkle of paper a sword-slash in a fearsome duel…
"Stealth is impossible: the tower has a moat of whoopee cushions, the doorknobs are squeaky-horns, and we're trying to steal a windchime."
My silly new game "U-Bend" may be a bit obtuse at first glance, so for general hints click the description button below the canvas.
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/U-Bend/ - A new Leongame, "U-Bend", has broken into your internet. Just a simple colourful block-and-ball game.
Mischievous, subversive FPS where, to the player's unfolding surprise, all of the bright red barrels marked 'flammable' are actually empty.
The clock strikes midnight… a cloud reveals the full moon… the manor fountain's urinating cupid statue begins to pass blood…
Confession: as a kid I probably wouldn't have figured out the mazes in 4-4 and 7-4 of SMB if the All-Stars version hadn't added sound hints.
Currently folding the relevant changes in the latest Hotline Miami patch into the Mac port's codebase.
http://gunshowcomic.com/396 - That reminds me about this good Gunshow episode.
Failed escape tunnel becomes lucrative opportunity as contraband underworld mushrooms circulate through prison economy…
The parched traveler seeks respite beneath the giant hand tree… Yes, these fist-shaped depressions are perfect to curl up in…
You can tell in an instant that it's another blah painting. Your brain isn't even going to give the fine details the time of day.
The ending of Hyper Hexagonest is just a text screen that finally explains what was up with the elephant in VVVVVV.
I also like how it has these little brief notes. The game's text in general feels uncommonly gentle and encouraging.
I like how this Colour Bind level doesn't have explicit death pits, just little notes to press F to restart.
So it turns out that this level is trying to get you to place a baby in front of an outline, and then hit the switch.
This level is trying to teach the "drop baby" verb. Do you see it? Sadly, I didn't.
Hmm, levels 12 and 13 of Offspring Fling are not that great at teaching whatever it is they're trying to teach.
American McC's Jumpman
"Ever since the switch to 8-bit hexadecimal time, my boss keeps scheduling meetings at B0:55, which in old time is about 4:50 PM. :("
Console JRPG where you get to clandestinely steal items and equipment from your brother's save file (and vice versa).
A cop and robber in endless chase up a down escalator, shouting "outta my way!" to everyone riding down no matter how much berth they give.
The lady stands on the kerb. The gutter puddle is broad and deep. The truck approaches. She's paid top dollar to be soaked by that model.
"And then the ghost… took off its head! I just added your pants to your inventory so you can drop them (because they're soaked with urine)."
"A very spooky thing is about to happen. In fact, I think you should type "quail uncontrollably" and hit Enter right now to save time."
Rain lashes your windows… Lightning creeps under your curtains… Thunder cruises in and crashes on your couch like you're still friends.
My next game is rapidly growing pinball-style rounds and missions.
"Look, I'm having a Freaky Friday with my mistress," says the strange woman wearing your boss's suit, "so impersonate me if my wife calls."
Her hand dilates and engulfs yours. "Pleased to meet you!" she replies with suspicious enthusiasm.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playing_card - This article's disambiguation header is impressive.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/38249926894/darius-force - This select screen has some great music, albeit with terrible instruments.
Update: I beat Corrypt, but only just before running out of resources. Making a puzzle game with limited items was risky, but it paid off.
I like how NetHack's debug mode implements invincibility -when you die it asks you "Die?", and if you refuse, says "Okay, so you don't die".
Forbidden YouTube video… every 'sliding down an evil lair garbage chute' scene in film history edited together into seamless 5-hour descent…
Work in progress. Single-player despite appearances - similar to Pong/Antipong.
"Chucking a wobbly" is Australian slang for being so upset that you figuratively spit out your wobbly.
Corrypt makes me feel sad. I played it a lot during testing and no matter how much I tried I couldn't get past the early areas at all. ;_;
The historians were careful to describe their wartime defeats as calamitous massacres that were surely due to the incompetence of the dead.
Only the scaffolding remained as evidence that the colossus existed. In time the negative space inside become as hallowed as the real thing.
I admit I like the animal steeds in Kirby's Dream Land 2 and Donkey Kong Country, even though they're surely just a symptom of "Yoshi envy".
One of the NES's most alien moments is in Zelda 2, when an enemy attacks you on a road tile and the resultant "battle scene" is empty.
A strange planet of dissonant map screens… a single-screen level is shown as a vast ruined structure… a fortress is shown as a tiny circle…
You aren't used to touching a being whose limbs are dozens of yards long. You stroke her northwest foot and strain to hear her distant moan.
*looks at clock* "Aaugh! I'm late for my first night of sleep!" *runs into bed with toothbrush in mouth*
Ever since LIMBO I'm now deeply suspicious of fictional giant arthropods with feet that aren't really capable of supporting weight at all.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Centipede-arcade-flyer.jpg - I have to wonder about the Centipede arcade flyer depicting the centipede as a snake with crab pincers for feet.
"Pentagon" says the voice. Suddenly you feel a gallon of adrenaline squirt into your arteries. "Oh no," you think as your chest grows heavy.
"GameMaker now has the ++ operator," announces chorus of angels descending from parting clouds to a world newly united in everlasting peace.
When will we get indies cribbing from Parodius? Where are the games replete with penguins and bunnies and wacky classical music remixes?
"Only the virtuous jumps shall be included (wall jump, double jump) - the sinful jumps (rocket jump, long jump) will not be so honoured."
Alas, while your alligator repellent has cleared the moat, their absence has emboldened the punchfish. They score a 'ring out' in 9 seconds.
I guess it's pretty easy to tell one of the influences for my #LD48 game is the "Robin Hood Daffy" episode of Looney Tunes/Merrie Melodies.
"This campaign has been a shambles of name-calling, vandalism, drive-by littering, water bombs, raspberries and outright hallway tripping!"
"Diorama contest! What's this?" "I call it 'tissues' and it's about 20 tissues." "We'll display it on the mud stain in the hall posthaste."
"It can't possibly be this warm this time of year! Unless… oh no." *zoom out to reveal your house trapped between a big hairy ogre's thighs*
You have to escape this mirror maze before the torpor toxin takes effect. The crowd around you grows visibly wearier before your heavy eyes.
You're almost out of the cemetery when something tugs your ankle. You fall to the ground and keep falling into the Necrosphere's open mouth.
http://www.ludumdare.com/compo/ludum-dare-25/?action=preview&uid=1084 - If you liked my previous #LD48 game, then you might find my current one reassuringly familiar.
http://www.ludumdare.com/compo/ludum-dare-25/?action=preview&uid=1084 - A new Leongame, "Tiny Sorceress", has broken into your internet. #LD48
Fortress construction game where the BGM gradually, seamlessly transforms from world 1 woodland to world 8 deathscape music as you build.
He always drew armpit hairs on his women characters because "they're like G-rated pubes!" Little did he know the law thought the same way.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3huwi5gxixE - The source of the Nokia ringtone. Sounds a bit melancholic. "The average of all human communication is melancholy…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6T7noJOBcA - How did I go through Botanicula and end up missing out on this song?
"You are only 3 tests away from the Heaven Chamber, where, like the real Heaven, you'll get to find out what happened to all your friends."
"It isn't a true chiptune unless it includes NES square-waves, TV static, and your mother yelling about dinner in the next room."
*slams down phone, stubs out cigarette* "Got to go. I have to ice some dudes." *grabs a box of cold compresses* "Might need some gauze too."
It turns out that the vast screen-long health-bar you bought for 5200 gold actually drains width-ways.
Zoom in through the skylight to a man in an elegant marble-floored lounge slowly repeating the word "rococo" as if in a blissful trance.
Argument over pronunciation of 'Arial' grows to consume offices, departments, entire floors… Wikipedia is blocked but the damage continues…
Suddenly, your cell rotates 90 degrees, sending you tumbling. It seems they've realised they can save space by placing the cells vertically.
So cold in the Chill Queen's tower, you can see your breath… and your heartbeat… little puffs of steam from your chest, betraying your fear.
"This family loves their Skelebot! Whoa Rover, that's not a bone! You've got $9,000 of emotionless killing technology in your mouth! Ho ho!"
"I love this company," says the CEO. "It's an infant to me." He pauses. "A great, decent, creamy infant." He hopes those were superlatives.
"Claims that our company is trying to be bought out by DogCorp are spurious, says CEO dressed as giant bone for purely personal reasons."
"Test flight of the first falling car was a success. Soon we'll all drive falling cars to our jobs in the dung pits (the shifts never end)."
#LD48 progress update: my title screen now has the flapping bat cursor from Castlevania.
"The waves are loud even under the water," thought Juni, gazing up at the churning surface from one of the underwater lab's many walkways.
In keeping with the #LD48 theme of villainy, my game's levels are not called "levels" but "plans".
"Did you know I can calibrate the buzzsaws to buzz at soothing frequencies conducive to human restfulness? I just noticed you looked tired."
"You should feel sorry for me. I can't touch you with a lover's warmth. These flame jets you keep jumping over are the closest I can get."
#IPlayed Love, Hate And The Mysterious Ocean Tower. Reminds me of the dramatic romantic fantasy stories I tried to write when I was younger.
Your only memento of her is the claw-marks on your back. Her final tight death-hug before the churning pit of darkness dragged her back in.
Who's this lady?
And so he played his pipe, and danced through the levels, and all the enemies followed him out of the game and into a cave, never to return.
"You're a real villain, breaking my heart with your little escapes. But we have all the time in the world to improve you. Aren't we lucky?"
What if someone coded an Inform 7 REPL… wait for it… wait for it… in Inform 7.
I was never fond of videogame adaptations because of how they apply hard rules to the narrative. Declaring how much HP Superman has, etc.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/37855805148/the-mask - Seems like a letdown that these are discrete moves tied to a mana meter. I guess I'd make them context-sensitive?
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/ - My GIF blog now has 669 followers. Suddenly I wonder why no one thought to combine those two verboten numbers before.
"Virtual reality is here. We now live in a world with two realities. Do you know what this means? Two Earths. Two yous. Two Jesus Christs."
Since his 20th birthday, he had only smiled 36 times - the most recent being on a roller-coaster, where his lips sagged while upside-down.
In truth, it was unnecessary for him to forward-roll through the catflap, and in fact it contributed to him being wedged upside-down inside.
They couldn't shake the feeling that these scab workers were just flies daubed with yellow stripes. Their larvae did have some fetid tastes…
On a three-storey tall screen at the alien-owned BioTrack corporate HQ, the metabolism of North America is updated live. Few understand why.
"In today's internet, skills don't matter anymore… all that's important is auctioning your biorhythms to the highest-bidding bioharvester."
"The narrative of this triple-chocolate ice cream isn't too good. The fluffy-choc climax squanders all the drama of the dark-choc middle."
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/ - Added some ad-hoc difficulty ratings. Score attack / time attack games aren't rated.
Peat bog census: most popular boy name is 'Pete'. Police now investigating which half of the populace stole that pun from the other half.
In a shocking sign of the times, Swamp Network will cease broadcasts to cardboard boxes that people take turns imitating newsreaders inside.
Swamp 2's furor over the TV rights to mud wrestling reached fever pitch when it was noted that this was technically every form of wrestling.
"Now I know why they call it the funnybone!" mocks the Skeleton Titan as you doggedly launch arrow after arrow into its elbow.
#IPlayed Perspective. An old idea, but it hasn't ever been this silky-smooth. Ending reminds me of **spoilers for Karoshi 2.0** Karoshi 2.0.
http://roburky.co.uk/play/threebodyproblem/ - I'm so annoyed with myself that I didn't invent this game. This type of thing is my raison d'ĂŞtre!
You look out your cell window: blue sky and a lush forest. "Whoops," says a tinny voice. The sky goes black and the trees vanish one by one.
The secret door slides away, revealing a bare wall. But this wall… the masonry is impeccable… the stonework is impossibly smooth… My god…
A chill runs down your spine. Then back up again. Then along your shoulder-blades in wide circles. You feel soothed, but also terrified.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/37424731595/super-metroid - You'll be amazed at how much easier this feels than doing it with two walls.
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/ - Made an archive page for my browser games. Trying to think of an icon for 'you can use either keyboard or mouse'.
"No one knows what this foe is. It's 15 inches tall, heavy as lead, looks unstoppable, and takes more AA batteries than all of us combined."
I like @roughly22over7's username - the notion that pi is 'roughly' some other number. Pi is just an approximation of its approximation.
As always, my previous three social media pictures are archived here with my other pixel art: http://l.j-factor.com/thelostpanels/?c=45
"Outraged grumbles echoed across the inter-network today as world governments announced new region-locked currencies."
Only 50 platform characters worldwide know how to duck to fall back down through a semi-solid platform, and they have all sworn to secrecy.
Platform characters relish jumping up through semi-solid platforms - the feel of passing through the floor like the surface of water.
You try and click the close box, but a tiny chubby woman is lying on your mousepad and preventing you from moving the mouse up there.
I like that the track, in 2005, feels structurally akin to Wise's first level music for DKC http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9PHNikoA5M & DKC2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwyipDW-t4Q
The new music for the DKC3 boardwalk levels (including the first level) is this track: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L92aEstJjA0
As you know, rather than port the SNES soundtrack by Eveline Novakovic, Dave Wise decided to score a new DKC3 soundtrack from scratch.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/37808551690/donkey-kong-country-3 - The GBA port of DKC3 was kinda bad but some of the extra levels have a unique mood to them.
"Daredevil gourmets eat their meals off 'living plates' - servants' faces - to show off their speed and precision with knife and fork."
"The so-called 'triple chocolate' flavour is but a ruse by the enemy… Open your eyes: chocolate can't be 3 flavours at once. Only God can."
Leaked excerpt from Dog Cabal meeting: "Hey guys, we're a cabal!" "Yeah!" "We've got secret meetings and everything!" "This is great!"
A fountain-of-youth spill on the road… Dogs run in, puppies run out… A pigeon lands and struggles, shrinking, as an egg forms around it…
You hear a loud roar as a fierce green light hits your closed eyelids. Directly witnessing the aurora's egg hatching would surely be death.
No one knows how the Queen's erotic love letters were fed into the royal mint, but finding them will be hard… as they've become $1000 bills!
A giant statue of one of the ancient kings, weathered and unrecognisable. As no ruler can prove it to be their ancestor, none can repair it.
Somewhere in a sea of houses, the Sunprism Staff is now just a curtain-rod, holding up a bedsheet its owner couldn't afford to throw away.
In a corner of her tiny apartment, the Star Princess in exile stares at her three chipped moonstone bricks and imagines it's a castle.
Struggling against the heat, you force open the fire escape. The fire thankfully obliges by running down it and vanishing into the night.
You burst inside. A king's ransom in stolen garbage fills the apartment. The perp leaps out the back window, but the garbage - it beckons.
The shattered window re-seals itself in your wake, tendrils of nanoglass curling inward. You almost stumble on the soft rubbery biofloor.
She could do this. She was a professional. "Toot toot" she said, feebly pumping her fist twice. God she hated peanut butter so much.
"A peanut sat on a railroad track, his heart was all a-flutter," said the newsreader, visibly emotional. "Round the bend…" she trailed off.
The man vigorously punched the lectern. Then, sensing he was rapidly losing his audience, he began kicking and biting it.
You watch in mute horror as she bounces up and down on the enormous red "destroy outside world" button. How did you even let this happen?
You've been given clothes made solely of dominos. She gives you a tiny poke, and with a roaring clatter they all drop to the floor.
The cold steel ball launches into your tender skin over and over, until your bulging mouth opens and out pours the multi-ball cascade.
The only way out of this cell… is this toilet bowl. Your brain and your left eye swim down to find help. Your right eye starts crying.
Elsewhere in the dungeon, your fingers are being tortured. Illegal assembly. Gangs of five. You hope your thumbs don't rat out your pinkies.
Deliberately leading the captured hero down the longest route to their dungeon cell - showcasing your vast edifice with silent relish.
#IPlayed Sunset Riders. The rake-in-the-face trap in the first level has really won me over.
"A multimedia extravaganza that contains over 6 types of media (words, numbers, cartoons, education, videogames, the third dimension)!"
"They are clearly a degenerate race of humanity," penned the explorer. "The way they boggle at our iPads marks them as descendants of Cain."
"Oh, you still have to use physical money," tittered the dilletante as a cascade of eerie green light poured from his hand onto the counter.
Each soldier's gun is mounted with cameras so that every single kill can be instantly sent to a narrative committee to be recontextualised.
You watch as the diving-bell sinks into the pulsating mountain of pink alien flesh. You hope they have enough air to complete the mission.
Aww, they took out this cool Jules Verne style spaceship when they localised Quarth into Block Hole.
"Show me that which has kissed more lips than me and left them smiling!" said the prince. In reply, the courtier raised a bottle of liquor.
What I don't get is why there aren't that many fantasy gargoyle monsters with water-spitting attacks.
A peculiar form of dueling where each noble, unarmed, simply tries to stand on the other's cape and trap them… An unthinkable humiliation…
An aristocracy that values metres-long capes and trains - nobles that would be pinned to the ground if not for their 20 trainbearers…
You step away from the computer for just five minutes, only to return and find that half the tabs you had open were complete banal rubbish.
The ultimate in videogame character creation technology.
Noticing the softly glowing runes, you proceed to recite them out loud. Elsewhere, your parents accidentally refer to you in the past tense.
You walk straight into the room and open the chest. Elsewhere, an old dungeon veteran slaps the air at forehead level, but doesn't know why.
In 2016 the Digirights spiders were created: creatures that must devour copyrighted videos or starve. Their lives were desperate and harsh…
Each soldier's rifle is made of the bones of their severed arm… An object of strong sentimental value that they would guard with their life…
"This mission is critical! We can afford zero mistakes." *tries to push up glasses, shatters lenses with both fingers and pokes eyes out*
Over 20 Different Rubble Algorithms! * Natural * Bouncy * Dramatic Slow-Mo * Fractal * The Rapture * Sad Slow-Mo * Everything Flies Sideways
"We escaped from next Wednesday" the time-travelers say, "but it's hunting us!" You notice a rogue day on the horizon, soaring and biting.
Man, the bosses in the arcade version of Gokujyou Parodius are better animated than on the SNES, thus making all my GIFs of it obsolete. ;_;
Robotic gun-turret enemies: openly surrendering to the fact that they're just ugly pre-programmed utilitarian game entities after all.
You see six of your friends striding in lockstep, wrapped in a clear sheet of plastic. "Join us please," they chant. "Tomorrow is after us."
You google 'sea urchin for a head'. "That can be… arranged" murmurs trenchcoated figure behind you with hands constantly spinning on wrists.
The Queen's window overlooks a forced-perspective miniature model of her kingdom. From the ground, it appears disorienting and distressing.
If only the Queen's subjects could look under her dress and behold the 3 servants supporting the weight of her ceremonial gold and jewelry.
The "tattle mirrors" retain a person's image long after they have left. The Empress's guards follow the trail of scared thief's reflections.
The prince seldom noticed that the 'exotic' flowers the royal florist unveiled were often just local flowers from the nearby countryside.
The royal sunbringer's role was to create the time of day the Prince wanted. He was fond of sunsets, but pink and red smoke was oft scarce.
With your off-hand, you shatter an intricate frosted-glass sculpture to demoralise your opponent, but to your surprise he doesn't even care.
This Duke is a sloppy fighter, but you're badly distracted by his opulent quarters. A crystal bust! A honey fountain! Good god, cassowaries!
Diabolical, you think, that the mechanism for opening the King's chamber involve the rules of a parlor game unknown outside the aristocracy.
"How can this man fight after such a meal?" you think, parrying the King's blows as your stomach reels from the feast of minutes earlier.
Atop her vast bed, you stumble and drop your sword. With her lifetime of walking on soft springy beds, this princess has the edge on you!
Platform characters relish the jab of a platform edge on their instep.
Platform game characters solemnly marching into quicksand, vanishing under the flowing surface… "We shall return when the world needs us…"
Gokujyou Parodius.
http://zarat.us/olc/po - "A fatal case of OmniLudiCon," the doctor mutters. "I'd call your family, but frankly they'd just be ashamed of you."
http://zarat.us/olc/pn "But," continued the lawyer, "his will states that to earn the inheritance, you must spend one night in… OmniLudiCon."
http://zarat.us/olc/ph - This OmniLudiCon idea has probably been done a couple times already, but nonetheless…
That last OLC game in the previous tweet is impressive even to me. I only just beat it now.
http://zarat.us/olc/pj - The sorcerer laughed, and with a wave the name "AIL CONDOMINIUM" rearranged in midair to spell "I AM OMNILUDICON".
http://zarat.us/olc/pi - The hunter on this mission is OmniLudiCon. He has completed numerous missions others thought absolutely impossible.
Dystopian adventure game where your inventory objects get removed for copyright violation unless you turn them inside-out or back-to-front.
"Unregistered users of the 'go west' command can only take 2 objects west and must wait 10 turns between uses. Register for just $20 today!"
The psybersquids, too heavy to move naturally, roam the cosmos by dragging themselves along the fabric of space with their psyberlimbs.
"There are two ways to jump: 1. make your legs leave the ground (good way), and 2. keep your legs on the ground and make your torso detach f
Most people don't know that you could use Game Maker to make games that also function as drag-and-drop utilities.
The second version will automatically move the save files to the new location if you drag-and-drop the old version's icon onto it.
The second version puts them in your Application Support folder. It isn't that big a deal, but it's more convenient and accessible.
The first version unwittingly stores the saves inside the app bundle, which makes them a bit complicated to find/copy.
The save file location fix in the latest version of the Barkley Mac port is designed to make the saves easier to access by Barkley 2.
Why isn't there a Mario game where instead of having to chase the koopa shell to keep it onscreen, the screen just dramatically zooms out?
NPCs love to talk to you because only then can they hear their own voice, or discover, through the player character, who they really are.
This is generally regarded as the most tedious part of Super Metroid.
I love that one of the goals in WarioWare is "save a plate from suffocation."
"The rule of law is dead. Chaos reigns. Man hunts man for sport." *footage of man chasing dollar bill on rapidly receding fishing line*
"215 people have liked this. Look, here they are." *opens door to roomful of 214 hogtied fans* "Don't worry, I haven't miscounted… right?"
(Note: I have not actually played Analogue yet. Clearly the guilt is preying on my subconscious.)
This morning I dreamed @christinelove made a game that was like Analogue but with more characters and it was set in a haunted mansion.
The healing potion simply transforms you into a different, healthy human. You consider using it offensively against your dragon foes.
Suddenly, you became hideously aware of the possibility that healing spells can gradually wear off.
"My game's achievements use the honour system. Just go to the menu and click 'Unlock achievement' when you think you've just fulfilled it."
"Some garbage conoisseurs purchase garbage just for the fragrance of the boxes. Highly pungent garbage packaging is sought above all else."
"And they said the garbage in Garbage Hole belongs to everybody! That packing and selling it was immoral! Heh… histrionic fools…"
"The harsh tingling sensation spreading across your skin is merely the frisson of success, plus your complimentary Reward Radiation."
Game #45 is so shamelessly mocking Half-Life fans.
http://zarat.us/olc/pf - "There it is," gasps your mountain guide. "That dreaded god-blighted place. Over the last peak. OmniLudiCon!"
http://zarat.us/olc/pe A man alone in a stark room, tearing page after page from his typewriter. On each sheet is but one word: "OmniLudiCon"
JavaScript that changes "Follows you" on Twitter user pages to "Has got your back".
This was honestly a boss in Donkey Kong Country.
http://zarat.us/olc/pd - "The victim scrawled one word on the glass: noCiduLinmO. It'll be a long night, I thought, sighing a roiling cloud."
http://zarat.us/olc/pc - "OmniLudiCon, you say… Is that some kind of… convention?"
http://zarat.us/olc/pb "…OmniLudiCon?!" you gasp. "The one and omni," she quips as she removes her mask and presses the dagger to your throat.
Super Mario Bros, except the level timer is replaced with a voice counting down, trying very hard to make each number sound dramatic.
Two friends ground down by the stress of concealing their affair. Their shared struggle soon became the only thing keeping them together.
"Patch notes: * Fixed perpetually exploding fireball on OS X Lion * Fixed game refusing to run after midnight due to being 'sleepy'."
The verdict is in: the Porp’s new Twitter handle shall be @aliendovecote, beating other contenders for this world leader's online presence.
"On the last June of the month, at a quarter past two AD…"
Game idea: "rising lava" platformer where the lava stays still and you instead outrun the sheer heat being conducted through various blocks.
Wake up everyone!! I finally have internet access aga- *head falls on keyboard in super-slow motion, flesh visibly sloshing from the impact*
WHAT IS ART? As suggested by critic Sir Hedonismo Repose amidst a particularly sumptuous full-body immersion in beef-broth, "Art is Pain"...
Real-life moving house tweet: plastic bags of clothes are the furniture of tomorrow and I will weep aggressively at anyone who disagrees.
Real-life moving house tweet: I'm using an unopened tin of fruit salad as a mousepad.
True Leon tale: I've definitely astounded myself with how weary and pathetic my voice has gotten over this night. It's amazing.
Real-life moving house tweet: I ran the numbers and I have been applying masking-tape to boxes and furniture for 12 consecutive hours. ;_;
The back wall of your cell slides forward. Your recent behaviour seems to have incurred a penalty of seven inches.
>TAKE KNIFE Which knife? >ALL You find yourself trapped beneath a vast mountain of knives. Exits are in all directions.
A book that changes for each reader… some read a murder novel, others a horror short story… Are they ripping out the end chapters, or…!?
The sorceress's favourite trick is turning the floor to glue, and her favourite passtime is furnishing foolish intruders.
The princess's ears are so sensitive that only fluttering one's eyelashes is permitted in her chamber.
The sorceress's dress can detect and strangle the foolish apprentice who dares try it on in secret.
A game where the player appears identical to the enemies, and the computer can be tricked into confusing them momentarily.
Trivia: "GameMaker" is actually the term for the person using the program. The program itself is called "GameMaker's monster".
Today is my 9,500th day of being alive. Only 499 more until the big one, I guess.
Vestigial elements of combat-based game engines poking through peaceful indie games, like prison ruins beneath a field of long grass.
A modern-day slice-of-life game which constantly refers to whatever you're carrying as "wielded weapon" - eagerly, coercively.
Boss healthbars as symbols of authority - the strongest bosses possess lavish, ornate healthbars that powerfully tower over yours.
I'll be moving house on Monday, after 7 years. I must've forgotten the experience of seeing a home become more and more abstract.
"The rationale for charging $5 to vote is simple: unless elections are profitable, ElectionCorp would have no motivation to conduct them."
"Some mayors declare notes stamped with their predecessor's head to be null and void, but people hoard them in case they get re-elected."
"Each mayor issues new Citypit currency bearing their face. You can tell how deep in the Citypit you are by whose face is on the bills."
"The role of Slitherblade was played by Airseeker, a shortsword with a promising career ahead. It thirsts for blood and mountain walks."
The Orisword is forged of dwarven blastite, inscribed with elven runes, sprinkled with lifedust, and all coated in delicious milk chocolate.
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