Leon's Microblog – October 2012

"Some renegade bodies and heads kept seeing each other in secret. The dirty, unkempt heads gently nuzzled their grimy bodies in silence."
"The split was not ideal for either party. The heads could only wobble on their jaws. The bodies could only crawl over each other blindly."
"This medium's body held a fugitive ghost at the arrest. Then it was replaced with the ghost of a late magistrate, so we had to let her go."
"We found the architect of Death Temple to be responsible for its murders, but it seems he was buried in its lowest depths to elude arrest."
Three monkeys.
Two monkeys.
A monkey.
This flower thinks it can just muscle in on these other blossoms' turf… They have a real big racket going… All the local hives are sewn up…
Flowers evolving to be more overt at attracting bees… This one has tiny $5 bills for petals… Yup, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there…
Watching a bullet hell shmup replay with the camera zoomed way out, seeing the boss's bullets spread far and wide, dispersing into the ether
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/34590062875/knytt-stories-it-waits - By the way, yesterday's GIF is from a story by @EricColossal, in a rare webcomic/indie game crossover.
The idea that if a bonus item falls off the screen, you can just _go under the screen and get it back_, is simply unthinkable, unimaginable.
Let's not overlook that the One Big Trick in "Frog Fractions" is really an excellent subversion- as clever as the rest of the game combined.
A man desperately making use of the last minutes before the trial period on his English education expires. "Pusillaminous! Caitiff! Beset!"
A last stage boss rush where the bosses just wanna sit down and have a friendly chat - maybe they got off on the wrong foot with the player.
Good thing, she thought, the others died unaware of how hazardous and toxic their fetid corpses would become to her, their only survivor.
"Lately, his relationship had deteriorated to the point where he would enter rooms already bowing his head in shame, just to save time."
"Whenever he crossed his legs, it felt as if was resigning himself to the fact that he had failed to escape this conversation in time."
"His brow was furrowed for so long that it had naturally hardened into that state. Even as he slept, he wore an expression of disapproval."
"The sloshing, quarter-full glass of liquor in his right hand was, sadly, the most expressive part of his whole body."
Murder mystery where every time the lights go out, another guest disappears and the maid's body gets larger and gains more and more limbs.
http://forums.selectbutton.net/viewtopic.php?t=32352 - You may notice that two of my screenshots actually got made into games! "Where there's life, there's hope…"
Anthropomorphic bullet-hell shmup where the game sincerely apologises every time it gets slowdown.
Game where your score is kept by a little guy with a blackboard at the top of the screen. Get points too quickly and he quits in a huff.
"I was informed that my flesh would hide them from the detector," mutters the sword-swallower before regurgitating his fourth claymore.
You're consumed in wonder at the vast gold-per-square foot ratio of your pile. The feeling of unreality drowns out your hunger and wounds…
You're awestruck at the gold you've piled up… no human is near more gold than you, right now… as long as you keep being next to it, that is…
Your sack of looted gold is immovable. You've given up thought of escape, and only want to move all the dungeon's gold into one tidy pile.
You get to name your character in Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, but one minute into the game, this happens.
Doing a frame-by-frame analysis of this has been most interesting.
"This Healrifle shoots tiny plugs of human flesh. Make sure you aim right at your teammates' bullet wounds! Yes, all our real doctors died."
#IPlayed Goblet Grotto. Its fixation on goblets over all other objects reminds me of a certain dungeon in Cave Noire.
You briefly wonder who forged this Ring of +1 Speed - if it was forged with an artisan's pride, or under the duress of debt or servitude.
The darkest part of the forest… skulls on pikes start to outnumber trees… the endless cackling of ominous crows deafens you…
"These troops get +10% attack, but a 5% chance per turn of defecting from humanity and devolving into wolves. (Wolves retain attack bonus.)"
You see a cormorant. >SNIFF CORMORANT. You look for the cormorant's petals to sniff its fragrance, but it rebuffs your efforts with squawks.
Plugging the seams in a floor button with your body's viscous goo instead of finding and pushing a second crate on top of it.
A swarm of freshly hatched helicopters flies overhead - tiny blobs of fluid still flying from the blades of the smallest hatchlings.
A modern definition of 'spooky' to encompass all things violating the boundary of life/death (zombies, puppets, singing fish trophies, etc.)
"If bogwater isn't the key to immortality, why else are these bog bodies so sexy?" quips the bog-mage, gesticulating at a leathery specimen.
You go to exit the park only to find a duck has stolen your weight. You blow away in the breeze as the duck thwarts a boy trying to lift it.
"Let us bathe in liquid crystal before space-battle! …Many calculators died to give us this bath. Pause now for a minute of long-division."
"Shoot a hackprobe in the fleshship's urethra and we can turn its urea attack system haywire! Then it will only have its twin snotguns."
http://forums.selectbutton.net/viewtopic.php?p=1187773 - Here's some feelings I felt about an Advance Wars game and its secret unlockable character costumes.
When I first read that the secret ending of Metroid has Samus in a bikini, I just assumed that she was wearing it on top of the power suit.
These Kirby villains are getting more grimdark every year.
Monster Tale. This is just such a Cave Story ripoff, you have no idea.
I'm sure the NES didn't really have yellows this bright, but still…
You draw a powerful Tarot card, Diagonally Moving Enemies That Bounce Off Walls, followed by its exact opposite, Hiding In The Corners.
Your gelatinous body slurps up the coins and the knife… Their exotic minerals flow through you. Molecular treasure. Atomic adornment.
I like that in Legend of Zelda you can run around and dig up 5 hearts and the first sword upgrade before entering even one dungeon.
- I already like the effect that the glitch button has on text in my games.
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/Disc_Gunship/?glitch=1 - Trying out a new 'glitch button' that randomly glitches the graphics in my HTML5 games.
Space Invaders Extreme.
After the bank foreclosed on the ghost house, Blinky and his devoured friends could only wander the world ceaselessly as faceless, sad eyes.
Someone finally played a Space Invaders game where the whole wave reached the bottom row unharmed, thus triggering the secret Peace Ending.
Prank-hack your friend's Gradius III ROM so that the Konami code kills you EVEN IF you substitute Left and Right with L and R.
Prank-hack your friend's Super Mario World ROM so that the Special Zone music doesn't change and they listen to it for ten minutes straight.
You see here a clavicle. >USE CLAVICLE You assume a clavicle is either a musical instrument or a melee weapon. You may PLAY or WIELD it.
The runes in the spellbook march off the page, up your arm and into your ears. You feel the spell gnaw on a childhood memory for sustenance.
"The foul Ventriloquist Rat tries to scare off the living by making corpses sing, but it throws the song into the arse instead of the head."
You will lose a life if time runs out, due to the total cessation of all physical activity in the universe. Eating a Berry adds 10 seconds.
You will lose a life by: * Bumping into fire without the Rain Vest * Falling into a bottomless pit without the Physical Impossibility Blouse
Get These Bonuses: +200, +500, 2x Combo, 4x Combo, 1UP. Beware! The Following Are Deadly: 3x Combo, 2UP, +100, +800.
Exhausted, Mario pulled out some binoculars. There, far down this incessant corridor, was the back of his own head. "Damn you, World 4-4."
Anti-gravity ROM hack of Super Mario Bros. where Mario has to grab the bottom of the flagpole to get the 5000 points.
Q1 (5 marks): Which of these is a game? A. Playing catch with a wall. B. Hammering a nail into your nose. C. Gift-wrapping a Christmas tree.
"It's all wrong! All of it! If we drew a pie chart showing exactly how much is wrong, it'd be Pac-Man with his mouth shut!"
One century ago, ancient gamers trapped the Qix in a 2x2 pixel space. For decades it has seethed in its cage, and tonight… the seal weakens.
Mario, increasingly frustrated, googles "princess toadstool peach bowser castle location real verified -toad -retainer".
Intro and appendix pages from the picture book Puzzle Body (Stephen Stanley, 1994).
"Archaeologists initially misread the remnants of Missile Command - they just assumed you played the aggressor, with annihilation the goal."
"Why can't Frogger swim?!" howls the crowd, battering the fence. "Why can't Frogger swim?!" Inside, the Konami executives grow desperate.
"Stop the presses! And the punches! And the prodders, tweakers, squishers, wallops, juicers, slurpers, kanchos and kickers! This is HUGE."
He was buried upside-down on Friday 13th in a coffin full of Dr. Snide's All-Ages Enghostening Juice. Since then, odd things have happened…
"World 1: Leap into adventure in Greenhorn World! Watch out for such foes as Upward Slopes, the Tall Blocks o' Doom, and the deadly P.I.T."
"World 8: You'll get déjà vu in Boss Rush World! The old bosses are back and instead of levels you just fight them over and over and over."
"World 4: It's time to 'sleep with the fishes' in Ocean World! You can't really breathe underwater so this whole world is a dream sequence."
Anthropomorphic game that tries in vain to stifle its joyous triumphant smile when you get hit by a heavily telegraphed one-hit-kill attack.
In the dead of night, your NES switches itself on, plays the sounds of weapons clinking harmlessly off enemy armour, and sighs contentedly.
"Enclosed is one batch of Immersion Gravel. Tread on this gravel to simulate exploring these post-apocalyptic landscapes while playing."
I just remembered that it's in my power to make games that can print out their own feelies when you start a new game. Physical artifacts!
Right on time, your cell's Prayer Receptacle slides open. "I am God. Please speak clearly" the robotic voice commands.
"Beware the dark glaziers! In secret, they install windowpanes upside-down or back to front! Their plan: to let the dead spy on the living!"
"You see, wall-jumping is really both a blessing (can jump to higher platforms) and a curse (you turn into a wolf every time you do it)."
"I'll be alright… just, when you chant 'blood' in your daily ecstatic ululations today, let a part of your enraptured mind think of me."
Arrgh, two hours ago I tripped and tore my big toenail...! Jeez!
"Why must bodies be so complicated!?" you shout from your talk-mouth when you realise you almost poured the drink in your solid-food-mouth.
Trying to urinate in a toilet while struggling to hold in the dark urine in your anti-bladder which needs to go in the nega-toilet.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Zombies_PAL_cover.jpg - I have to admit, I kinda like the PAL boxart for Zombies Ate My Neighbors.
A Pocket Calculator So Advanced That Man Is Inferior To His Own Creation!!
"The Robotrons conclude that the human race is _meek, soft, tiny and helpless_, and must all be _raised in captivity as lovable pets._"
On a tiny planet, a girl wakes. It's night, but a flood of shooting stars make it bright as day. Thousands of wishes will come true tonight…
We've beat the Star Lord, but his Star Reactor is about to fuse billions of stars. Do we stop it… or use its power for good? We hold hands…
Tales of the dark web's beasts… The 'anti-spider' which devours web crawlers whole… Vast 'hiding engines' that consign sites to oblivion…
"Web professionals discuss the 'dark web' in hushed tones… Can any light pierce it? If we cannot 'surf' this web, will we need a submarine?"
Pipes are lifted in and out of your cell as their knowledge of human necessity changes. Out goes the blood pipe, in comes the laughter pipe.
"When given two opposing realities, each asserting the other to be a dream, we intuitively accept the authoritarian, dystopian one as truth"
"This Halloween, beware the 'rolling dead'… They can forward-roll faster than walking… It's a deadly game of bowling - and we're the pins!!"
"I… love you, auto-scrolling screen," you whisper. The screen sensually rubs its left edge against you. It feels like being caressed by God.
Malicious auto-scrolling screen pushes you away from powerups, slows fiendishly near rising lava, tries to crush you against the floor often
"What happens when two platform game characters auto-scrolling in opposite directions meet each other? Let's find ou-" *TV screen shatters*
"I survey the wreckage of last night… two tweets about 1UP items… four about wall-jumps… six about lava pits… Damn, what a mess."
Castlevania II: Belmont's Revenge. Such a picturesque menu screen.
"The NES: where hearts either heal you, power weapons, buy items, unlock chests, or something else that you need the manual to figure out."
A tumblr containing only descriptions of breathtaking but inaccessible and entirely irrelevant chasms in text games.
I also like how in Infinity Gene you don't meet any 'major' bosses until the last third of the game. A very tangible feeling of escalation.
I've just discovered there were no crappy "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid" licensed videogames, and let me tell you, I feel kind of robbed.
I also like that the 'Missense Mutation' level is just level 2-1 with time running backwards, so you see the warning after beating the boss.
I like that the 'boss warning' in Infinity Gene is "<boss> has broke into the battle". Unauthorised bosses gatecrashing the proper game?
Too few retro indie games are daring to revive the lost era of 16-bit Windows.
Just give me a moment here… No, I don't need any help…
It's no use… we're too evenly matched…
Yume Nikki.
"All the houses in World 8 are big hollow skulls. No hats, only skulls. The currency is tiny skulls. Folks say 'skull' instead of 'hello'."
"Can you believe lava takes the place of water in World 8? Peculiar, eh? Well, when everything is bones, a source of minerals is essential…"
"Ah, the wildlife of World 8… Look, bone palms and skull coconuts. Bonegulls molting femurs instead of feathers. Everything is skeletal…"
Game where you desperately scavenge un-bloodied white cloth from corpses to stitch a white flag before your island is bombed again.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/34055597989/super-mario-world-2-yoshis-island - Now that I think about it, how did they come up with the idea of a "potted ghost" anyway?
Old spies sneaking into public libraries, cracking open the photocopiers, and fleeing into the streets with stacks of printer paper.
Two old spies fistfighting atop a wrecked, abandoned train carriage, walking against imaginary wind, ducking for imaginary tunnels.
The hobbit gingerly enters the spy's cave… His huge scaly form slumbers atop a mountain of papers. A king's ransom in precious intel!
"Argh, they're gaining on me! Better lighten the load!" *opens briefcase, dumps out $3 million* "God I love the leather on this thing."
"Well, old foe, we made it. And to think, if those mall cops had been a bit faster, we'd have actually had to pay for this sweet briefcase."
"What a stew… handcuffed to the same briefcase as my worst enemy! But if we work together, we can shoot our way out of this briefcase shop."
#IPlayed Space Invaders Infinity Gene. I love that you can play as the arcade cannon, and due to arcade logic all its shots are 1-hit-kills.
Briers watered by explorers' blood. Rats sustained by explorers' flesh. Pit edges worn smooth by explorers' palms. Self-sustaining cruelty.
A little bottle with a paper tag. On one side: "Drink me". On the other: "Give me an inch and I'll take a mile".
She twangs the rope holding the weight over you. My god, her razor sharp nails! She wouldn't… No! Such rough, callous plucking… How inhuman!
The final ingredient, she remarks to the bound figure dangling over the boiling cauldron, is a single drop of sweat.
The glassmaker, tied and gagged in the staff room, listening to a recording of shattering sounds playing loudly in their storefront.
Preventing the giant from waking by wrapping your body around the bell of the alarm clock. When the hour strikes, the hammers pummel you.
http://forums.selectbutton.net/uploads/images/10/30993/1011934_0001_xi7lm.png - One of the first keys in videogames, and it wasn't even used to unlock anything.
Has someone made the sfxr for two-second arcade game reward jingles yet?
In a dark room a kilometer underground, an ominous device tallies the number of times someone has pressed the F19 key on an Apple keyboard.
"You are the ocean in miniature. Send forth a wave to knock me off my feet. Flood my sinuses with your brine until I am blind with pain."
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/SuperGhoulsNGhosts-Stage1.gif - I just now noticed these coffins had their crosses changed to ankhs for the US release. "Pretty sneaky, sis."
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/SML2-Vampire.gif - Kind of neat that they made this cool character and only used 'em once in an easily missable spot.
Game where you play as a cleaning crew who scrubs off the instructions on the walls of tutorial levels once the player's finished them.
Imagine if the bosses in Mega Man X were only animals that rhymed. Chill Krill, Spark Shark, Flame Crane… um, Armored Dachshund?
Imagine if the bosses in Mega Man X were only animals beginning with "Man". Spark Mandrill, Chill Manatee, Storm Manta, Sting Man-o-War…
http://l.j-factor.com/gmhtml5/Release_Me/ - Here's a new tiny Leongame, "Release Me!". Make sure you figure out this fiendish device before you press the button!
This red, blue and white striped toothpaste is becoming increasingly consistently mauve as I near the end of the tube.
An unexpected effect.
I really, really hope that reaching the end of VESPER.5 is not just going to produce this screen:
I've suddenly become worried that I might not finish VESPER.5 this year. What a strange and disturbing thought to have about a videogame.
#IPlayed Pac-Man CE again. It feels like an action-puzzler - choosing paths in each maze that minimise the distance between power pellets.
For this Klik of the Month I might just do a remake of this:
(No, CLOP doesn't count either because A. you're not riding it, and B. that isn't a horse, that's a travesty.)
How many 2D platform games are there where you actually get to ride a horse? (No, I'm sorry, Super Mario World doesn't count.)
That horse just gets DISINTEGRATED.
Come back as a ghost to further torment your victims? 50 grand. Chat with the soul of Benjamin Franklin? Only if you've got the Benjamins.
Yup, the afterlife is determined by money all along. Pearly gates? More like Death's pearly palm in need of grease. Pay up or go downstairs.
I'll admit it, this game is kind of adorable.
Castlevania has definitely degraded in the past 26 years.
That level-skip Game Genie code was possibly… mistyped.
Y'know, the "real" Castlevanias didn't have two-directional scrolling…
"Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin!" was the most famous idiom in English, until its extermination by the Gilette company in the 1920s.
I don't think we're in Transylvania anymore.
"All platformers," he continued, "can be divided into two groups: those which let you grab onto ladders in midair, and those which do not."
Spiders with missing legs. Big moths with tiny bite marks taken out of their wings. Animals with a history, with a past that only they know.
The feeling of seeing a spider with 7, 6 or 5 legs, and longing to hear its tale.
I dreamed that they were giving out magic boots at school and I was last to arrive and all they had left were the Hover Boots from Zelda.
Your skeleton wakes up, goes to the wardrobe, and just tosses on flesh all over - you just don't care about putting in any effort today.
To fund your village's fight against an enemy army, you must enter a tournament as an athlete sponsored by the enemy's military contractor.
RPG where the powerful members of your party are slowly snapped up by your richer competitors, until you're all alone.
Adventure game where you outsource all the puzzles to contracted 'geniuses', making sure their fees don't exceed the final treasure's value.
You swing your sword, but accidentally jam your arm in an extradimensional gap in space. The beast leaves your severed arm hanging eternally
"What do I want all that money for," she replied, "when I have my family?" Her family swiftly tackled her and dragged her out of the room.
Push aside the office fridge and enter the tunnel. Inside is Job Satisfaction, but if one not pure of heart touches it, it will disappear.
Close your eyes, remove your clothes and let the merest drafts against your skin guide you through the treacherous office environment.
http://paranatural.net/ - The latest episodes of this webcomic (by @paranaturalzack) are really enjoyable to read.
Game idea: Online version of Super Mario Bros. where when you die, you get to edit just the part of the level where you died.
You go to hug, but your arms are now wings with huge predator-frightening markings inside. They don't talk to you for the rest of the day.
You try to thank your friends for visiting, but your mouth hardens into a beak that can only croak "eff off". They are visibly hurt by this.
You can't wear your new gift shoes because your feet turned into soolnds overnight. You worry your friend will take offense at this slight.
That comic I mentioned earlier also reminds me of this comic by @thatlukeperson: http://lukepearson.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Melting-Web.jpg
"And that night the sea was so still he could see the full moon in it, clear as the sky. So he jumped, and buried his treasure on the moon."
http://jilliantamaki.com/short-comics/half-life/ - I like this comic. (source: @dirtbagg)
Watching a daddy long legs spin its cobweb by slowly and diligently pressing its butt against the wall over and over.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8-jDK2bO_Y - I'm glad that @MrPodunkian is continuing the Wario GBA tradition of using dog barks as instruments in game music.
A lot of lifehack tips revel in the joyous discovery that tools aren't limited to a sole purpose, but are aggregates of physical properties.
"Am I playing this game… or is this game playing me??'" *looks down in horror as hands and Xbox controller morph into each other repeatedly*
Has anyone hacked Cho Ren Sha 68K so that I don't have to constantly mash Z for rapid-fire? I underestimated how straining that is.
"Oh to see a swirling ballet of rainbow ships in ovals and arcs, and all I can do is shoot upward, biting into their shapes like an animal."
Weird utopian alternate universe where Scribblenauts was actually as revolutionary and incredible as everyone on NeoGAF thought it would be.
Hey wait a second… "Terra" is the opposite of "Space"… and "Tam" rhymes with "Jam"! Good god… we're through my mind's eye's looking glass.
Also from an early age I was fascinated with the idea of aliens kidnapping elite sportspeople to compete against them. I blame Space Jam.
Basically the backstory of those made-up creatures only exists in the form of obscure linguistic references to their ancient cultural norms.
"Loveheads" once believed love was all that separated them from lower animals. "Glancers" in ancient times celebrated their combat powers.
The races in Terra Tam have names they gave themselves. "We-Am" is "the thing that we are". "Exnils" once believed they were born ex nihilo.
My most memorable dreams involve public transport - buses, trains, cross-country treks in unfamiliar suburbs because I'm too proud to wait…
"Oh to find a ship so large, so distant, so shrouded in gunfire, and to shrink it down, piece by piece, until it can meet you face to face."
#IPlayed La Soeur de Barrage. http://www.tocoroten.net/soeur3/download.html Mouse-controlled danmaku feel different - less emphasis on bullets and more on movement.
Still waiting for someone to reply to that previous tweet with "Aperture Crossing".
Portal mod where the portal gun is destroyed by the first fizzler and you spend the rest of the game in indentured servitude paying it off.
Sneak onto your friends' computers and replace To The Moon.exe with a renamed shortcut to Kerbal Space Program.
"This is meant to be a hard action game. Unfortunately, the enemies and bosses are too lazy to fight. Find all the ways to motivate them!"
The first endgame stage of Cocoron is enticingly creepy -hordes of dream animals slowly mobbing you, zombie-like, as the world vanishes away
Game where the 'lost a life' jingle starts playing and keeps going, getting more and more elaborate and vainglorious for 3 straight minutes.
Game where when you get hit your body explodes for 2 minutes straight, just this continuous fireball spraying blood and femurs everywhere.
What is the most famous blunt melee weapon in videogames? I'm hoping it isn't that crowbar.
This is the only interesting visual scene in To The Moon that I've encountered so far.
Making these GIFs often reveals to me the most invisible of changes in the most striking way.
I think To The Moon would be several times more enjoyable if each outdoor area wasn't cratered with flowers you arbitrarily can't walk onto.
#IPlayed an hour of To The Moon. Ehh, moving these characters feels like dragging an eraser through treacle.
"The murder hunter is at work. His tools: a compass that points to the guilty… a dowsing rod for spilled blood… a canary that smells lies…"
"Odd phone calls… a roomful of people lying perfectly still and coated in a mysterious red fluid… a missing will. Is it… murder? Who knows…"
http://fuckyeahspacefuneral.tumblr.com/post/33592319469/more-to-the-bloody-lakes-cryptic-npcs-and "it could be hard to figure out what a wall of tiled bloody heads was meant to represent in game space."
"A series of blog posts that appear randomly, whose typos, fixed minutes after posting, spell out the 999-character domain name of God."
"Evil well gives blood instead of water - when transfused in patients, gives them super-strength + insatiable urge to give people wedgies."
>OPEN DOOR How hard do you open the door (1-10)? >999 The doorknob shatters to pieces from your superhuman grip. You're trapped in the room.
"What if dog language was really the silence between barks" - the scrawled note that would go on to revolutionise human civilisation.
Hard to believe I missed the Swamptrogg on my first playthrough.
Yume Nikki.
The best shortest RPG beginning.
Is there a ROM hack that changes Pokémon Red back into a generic Dragon Quest themed fantasy world? Funny how subversive that would now be.
"The kind of roommate who simply rubs the toast against the inside of the margarine tub because they just can't find a knife."
"Jumping is silent and stealthy. Fire Flowers will alert foes. Stars send you on a killing spree but their music will wake the Living Pits."
"Boy! You're acting as if jumps are an unlimited resource! Ain't cheap to import 'em from the Jump Mines of Jupiter, yanno!"
Idea: RPG that angrily berates you for foolishly assuming you could just cast the Fire spell whenever instead of once per real-time day.
Idea: Metroidvania where you aren't told your main gun has limited ammo that's impossible to refill until after it runs out 5 minutes in.
Other recurring dream subjects: train tracks that must be followed, running through parks, on bridges and around vast run-down buildings.
If anyone else has had that dream where the ceiling hinges up like a trapdoor and a bunch of antlions from Half-Life 2 drop down, do tell.
"This is NewsCoaster. We take the news of the day, and press it into a coaster-sized bulletin, perfect for keeping marks off your table."
"You can't go past until we're done digging! And you especially can't if you don't have an •Ersatz Stache• and •Horn Rims•! Don't even try!"
"Fact: 45% of all videogames actually take place in abandoned amusement parks."
"The player character has multiple "lives". It is generally agreed that the final life is the real one, and the others are but dark dreams."
"This game contains over 100 hero destiny fate chaos dark light shadow, and over 75 more lord sword spirit gold noble than our competitors."
"Welcome to NewsPowder. We turn news… into a fine creamy powder that disinfects wounds and tastes great in your coffee."
You open the door, then walk into it. Yes, right into the door instead of the doorway. Look, can't you just get a friend to play me instead?
"Just one last question. When you put on your mask… where does your real face go?" *slow pan over to your face crudely draped over a dog*
"This is the most critical stage. If we make the slightest mistake, we're goners." *closes eyes, forgets how to open them again* "Uh, help?"
New peanut butter tier list! Top tier: brown. Bottom tier: the stripy rainbow stuff that the cackling scientist was giving away for free.
Exits are north to the flesh-crusher pit, and south to the exit. Note that you don't have a compass and only I know which door is which.
"The river-crone is a mighty witch, but if you beat her in a round of boxing, you may cross. Careful: her right hook is from Satan himself!"
In the nitrogenous depths of Piss Ocean, micturmaids do battle in the ureapelagic bladderabyss…
Aha, just remembered to do my VESPER.5 move at 11:08PM. Close… pretty close.
#IPlayed Pac-Man CE for iOS. It feels like someone finally made the Yellow Switch Palace http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/SuperMarioWorld-YellowSwitchPalace.gif into a videogame.
#IPlayed Death Ray Manta. I'm glad someone finally made Rainbow Road into a videogame.
I also like how these spikes are such a trial-by-fire in terms of air control and momentum.
I like how Cave Story introduces the air meter immediately, and in a situation where it's basically impossible to drown by accident.
"All matter," continued the sage, "is formed from the Seven Elements: fire, ice, lightning, poison, homing, double-jump and laser."
"A planetwide sweep for missile tanks to open the God Hatch… the double-jump corps search the mountains… the crouching corps scour caves…"
Galactwarrior weaponry is ranked by how many missiles it takes to open the hatch of the room containing them. The highest rank is 32,760.
>STAB IN CHEST How much damage do you do? >0 Your foe looks down and giggles at your attack. You feel their heartbeat through your dagger.
>PICK LOCK How good are you at lockpicking, out of 10? >999 The lock explodes into chunks from the force of being instantaneously picked.
>SWING SWORD How many times do you swing? >999 Your arm explodes into red chunks from the brutal force of swinging so much in one turn.
"The world expert on killing people once saw WEAPON-X. One look at its hellish power made him instantly quit and become a neonatal surgeon."
"The sound of breaking glass, slowed down 2500 times, becomes an old man's monotone voice incanting riddles that I plagiarise in my tweets."
"Kids, let's learn about money. 20 pints go in a tooth, 50 tooths go in a kidney, and 10 kidneys go in a lung. This machine is a Harvester."
"I've thought about what you said, Mr. Killviscerator sir, and you're right - I don't see a future for me in the killvisceration industry."
The glassblower's lover: living molten glass in human form. The delicate art of caressing with breath instead of hands.
You accidentally draw your sword twice, glitching it out. You can now do 65535 damage to anything, but can never hug another person again.
Furtively embracing a sand sculpture as gently as possible. Every brush leaving a blemish, every touch a howling accusation.
So does Pac-Man just spit out the ghosts' eyes, or what? Has no one told him their accursed, immortal souls are inside them?
Two mummy cowbows, canopic jars at the ready… fingers twitch… the draw! The street thunders with liver shots and rapid-fire intestines fire.
You foolishly open an open door, making it double-open. The void behind reality devours your flesh. Turn to page… look, just close the book.
"Robots do not drink oil, and will be offended if you suggest such. They drink blood. Also, they do not teleport: they transform into bats."
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/33520543118/pro-pinball-the-web - I don't know what the deal with the second one is, except that some Windows versions have it instead of the first.
I'm currently watching Twin Peaks. Are real soap operas like this but unironically
Create more games where the notion of four distinct compass directions is nonsensical, inconsistent, unnatural.
Carefully balancing your weight between two uneven chair legs - depriving both quarrelsome pillars of the honour of touching the floor.
The twitter generation reconstructing the shattered art of writing… rebuilding, reinventing written forms from the tweet upward.
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/4165 -There's a Themed Trainwreck gamemaking event happening at some point in the future. Let cartoon machines be your muse.
"Mario is a plumber who solves mysteries. His typical method is "hit them from below" and the answer is usually "a coin"."
#RememberThe90s "W-what? My omnipresent cultural touchstones have become foreign, alien and unfamiliar? How? What is this dark sorcery."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:SimCity_Classic_cover_art.jpg - Can the next SimCity be just an interactive version of this boxart
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SimCity_2000#Scenarios_Vol._I:_Great_Disasters "A fictitious day in 1995 is beset with hordes of drunken lawyers causing riots and mayhem."
In this toolbar you can choose the three urban land zoning types: Fire Zones, Ice Zones and Lightning Zones.
What I want to know is why the magnetic noticeboard properties of fridge doors haven't been ported over to cupboard and wardrobe doors yet.
A spell so powerful, no one can admit to themselves that they've fouled up their situation so disastrously as to necessitate using it.
You hurl the toadstool and it becomes a host of toads that assail your foe. You hurl the mistletoe and it becomes a dozen guided missiles.
Spoiler: the real pocket monster is man himself.
How can you even imagine fighting this foe? Pressed against the wall by a single giant pinky finger, a victorious smile filling your vision.
Only the highest rollers enter this room, with its 20-metre-wide roulette wheels and cards big enough to crush a man (and do when he busts).
What became of these architect-gods, that their greatest surviving monument is simply this temple of torment, this shrine of schadenfreude?
Oh what powers over stone these ancients must have had, that they raised this many temple statues to mocking future graverobbers' hardships.
Grassroots campaign to get bog bodies into Halloween lore… Insidious increase in mud skeletons, scum-coated zombes, peat puns, fen mist…
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/SuperMarioWorld-YoshisIsland2-2.gif - Let's all just admit it: Super Mario World's "looking up" sprite is danged wonky.
Let's all take a brief pause in our busy schedules to http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/33319865114/warioware-twisted RELAX.
"BEST JOB / -EARN $3.000 PER WEEK!" My my, that dot is fiendishly ambiguous.
Your stowaway plan has gone awry. You're clinging to the masthead in choppy waves, the entire ship a huge, feisty partner in a deadly tango.
Gripping a floating barrel in piranha-filled water… Hugging it with an embrace more passionate than what you have ever given a living thing.
Kid Dracula.
A ghost flies through a chain-link fence. Sliced into tiny wisps for a moment. Enjoys the frivolty of being two dozen tiny minds at once.
Surely it speaks to the dark gods' nonexistence that this gold offering remained untouched for aeons? You still eyeball the idol nervously.
You don't know if it's the darts' poison at work, but the pit of steel spikes shimmers like a sea of stars. You lean closer, transfixed.
Would that such size and power be used constructively, you think as their huge foot looms over you. All this is wasted on just killing you.
And then you take a look at your final opponent. Your arms sink, your jaw drops, and a high-pitched scream abandons you like a sinking ship.
The coinage passed among the villagers had been deliberately worn down so that the visages on the 'heads' side were nigh-unrecognisable.
Never certain which king was currently ruling them, the villagers kept two portraits in the town hall and swore fealty to both each week.
The neighbouring, warring kings kept changing their kingdoms' boundaries, as they each wanted theirs to be shaped like their heads.
Home Alone for the NES. I have a thing for cozy secluded treehouses in mansion-traversal games.
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/Frankenstein-SheMonster.gif Frankenstein: The Monster Returns had good-looking but lazy bosses. Why don't "8-bit" indie games look more like this?
"Warning: this game is rated R18+ for unthinkable scariness! After you play it, you'll need at least 100 night lights to ever sleep again!!"
Idea: Donkey Kong style vertical platformer where instead of climbing, you blow up pillars to make the floor above crash down over you.
Idea: Sokoban where instead of pushing crates, you blow up pillars on the floor below so the floorboards slant and they slide into place.
#IPlayed Infernal Edge. http://lazybraingames.com/infernal-edge/ Very interesting take on Contra 3's third level. Not really a platformer anymore.
A sword so bloodthirsty, no sheath can hold it. When you slice a guy, it sticks in their body and refuses to be pulled. Kind of useless.
The villagers quickly appointed a symbolic king, to convince their powerful neighbours that their land too was ruled, was owned.
"Is it really a videogame without a powerup that lets your shots pierce multiple enemies?" titters the committee. "It's highly… irregular."
'IS IT A GAME' FLOWCHART: Does it have those expanding arcs of bullets that are easier to weave through if you're further away --Yes--> GAME
You draw from the tarot deck. XVI: The Corridor With Two Alternating Streams of Bullets That You Have to Zigzag Through.
"Let's be honest: bodies are basically huge blundering unruly pets that our brains have been sewn onto as some kind of divine prank."
Your inventory: food, knife, potion of healing, potion of shrinking, potion of claymation, potion of reverb, potion of film grain.
"Evil Hell Temple, you stand accused of spike murder. How do you plead?" The temple shrugged and unleashed a swarm of skeleton bats.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Pit_(arcade_game) "In lieu of a traditional timer is a tank (the "Zonker") shooting away a mountain near the player's spaceship."
"Do not be kongcerned. Certain English syllables have become kongtaminated and must be kongtained."
Yes, Dear Esther, Black Mesa and The Stanley Parable are good, but where's the HD remake of Research And Development?
http://l.j-factor.com/gifs/DynamiteHeaddy-TwinFreaks3.gif - I never noticed that those little guys get flipped on their heads until just now.
#ZombieCowboyNames Rotgut Pete. Leatherface O'Leery. Slim Bones. Rancid Wormboot. Jawloose Jake. Fetid Fred Lynchslip. Ribs Roy.
"Like some coffee? Let me grind some fresh bones. Do you like it red? One eyeball or two?" *pours whole jug onto head* "AAAAAHHHH DELICIOUS"
Reduced to a single arm, the skeleton scrapes along the corridor, still in pursuit, until two rats seize it and drag it, flailing, away.
You watch the ornate clock's hand sweep upward. 10… 11… midnight. And, right on cue, the coffin you are sitting on starts thumping.
"Yes, there are ghosts of ghosts. The sequence is: ghost -> banshee -> grim reaper -> spook -> hologram -> boogeyman -> Satan."
"Warning: this game has known issues with hair. It is known to make it turn white and fall out. Please cover head with glue before playing."
"Warning: this game will give you frights. Please tape your mouth and ears shut so you don't deafen yourself with your own screams."
The defeated slime flows under your feet, laps your toes. Some of it sticks to your sole. You keep grinding it underfoot as you stride away.
He solved the maze not by phasing or teleportation but by duplicating himself at every fork and letting his doubles go to literal dead ends.
Lacking the key, he magically conjured water into the locked treasure chest, then cast a freezing spell to make it explode.
#IPlayed Three-quarters of Dear Esther. It would be very pretty… if it wasn't so damn monochromatic.
The Black Scourge… infected men would disguise their extra arms and bat wings beneath a heavy coat. The heat only made the limbs stronger…
The Black Scourge… the only proposed cure endorsed by the church was excessive tithing… Doctors began prescribing "bedrest and a loan"…
The Black Scourge… Was eating the hairy slime in the canals the cause, as some claimed? Doctors continued to push it as a virility tonic…
Aw, I quit during chapter 4 of Dear Esther and all the chapter selects are still locked? How is this nightmare-soaked pandemonium even real.
#IPlayed Volcabamba. http://www.alles.or.jp/~gyonin/game.htm What? An indie Gradius game that actually has instant respawns instead of checkpoints??
#CowboyNames Dangly Ruck. Jimmyjoe Bullhide. Wagonrut Spokehurt. Reinpull Axelrod. Spitoon Splintershoe. J. Gopher Hanrahan. Thin Spook.
The wind grew restless. Tumbleweeds appeared everywhere. Apocalypse insurance companies were suddenly replaced with vacant lots.
The sky turned black with constant clouds. Dogs acted as if they knew something we didn't. The new President wore an IV drip of holy water.
Cats started turning black. Tarot cards turned into Death. Printed numbers changed to rows of 6's. Babies were born cackling maniacally.
It's a bit sad that parlour games were the most the Victorians could think up when they found themselves with unthinkable bounties of time.
Game Idea: a "parlor game" styled game that anonymises your timeline's next 10 incoming tweets and challenges you to guess their authors.
"Now, I know you've had a lot of fun not jumping on my spikes lately, even after I bothered to wash them and heat them to room temperature."
"I'm not saying that you have to belly-flop onto this enormous spike that I carefully painted a smiley face and a pink heart on, but… ahem."
'IS IT A GAME' FLOWCHART: Has anyone ever tried to deflect any negative reaction to it with the words 'it's just a game' ---Yes---> GAME.
'IS IT A GAME' FLOWCHART: Did more than two programmers' marriages deteriorate as a result of its development process ---Yes---> GAME.
"Hardcore videogames yearn to be won, much like fairytale princesses… Also, when you win one you become legally married to the cartridge."
"Realise," said the voice, "that the knife wound in that guy's back already exists in the future, and you're only just helping it be born."
Gun-toting foes. Gun-swaddling fiends. Gun-coddling freaks. Gun-stroking fools. Gun-cuddling fiddlesticks. Gun-tickling flippitygibbets.
"No, the ceiling's decorative conical protrusions are not actually a deathtrap. Let me lower it reeeally close so you can see for yourself."
In the room is a huge pit of spikes and a doorway. Exits are down and antidisestablishmentarianism. Type your command in the next 2 seconds.
You compass's needle spins wildly, splits down the middle, and curves into an infinity sign. You decide to take the superdoublenorth exit.
Pitch darkness. A pool in the floor. You lean down and drink. It turns to stone around your lips. Suddenly you hear giggling and footsteps.
He begs you to finish him off, but you're too fascinated by the shape of his pooling blood. So much meaning in such a simple thing. Amazing.
You hold the trigger, and a river of lead leisurely flows through the air. You wonder if you'll be alive when it finally reaches the target.
VESPER.5, day 53: Michael Brough, this latest twist has simply gone too far. It's unconscionable. Deplorable. Incorrigible. Unhallowed.
#IPlayed Barkley, Shut up and Jam: Gaiden again. I love the fact that the party's healer is, refreshingly, the one with the highest defense.
Sensing its theft, the statue in your pack swiftly enlarges. You rush for the exit, but it crashes upon you! Alas! Caught by your own loot!
As the shotgun blast floats into you, parts of your belly drift away. Your time-slowed brain's only lucid thought is to bid them farewell.
Game idea: MMO where everyone is endlessly falling down the same bottomless pit.
"To mitigate the feelings of shame that come from self-inflicted injury, happy clown laughs will be played whenever you spill blood."
Skelebot sales have increased fourfold. The public love the Skelebot! "The chrome bones… so mature and serious," remarks father of 3.
"You will be free to go once the test is finished and an additional mortality verification process is completed."
"I'd like to remind you that after you enter the chamber and the test begins, all contact with the outside world is strictly prohibited."
Hydraball: maybe if we score enough own-goals quickly enough, some of us will still be alive when the hydra's declared the winner.
Hydraball: the game where the other guys aren't technically on your team but unless we work together this hydra's gonna kill us all.
Pokémon Trading Card Game.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o20kOOwXIN8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjMwTANZudI Now that I know these are by the same composer, it sounds so staggeringly obvious.
"An off-by-one error has caused all PeaceBot models to destroy all inferior forms of technology. Bugfixes have been sent by carrier pigeon."
Exits are west and east, but really, only a fool wouldn't go east… The east corridor's welcome spines and good luck stains can't be ignored…
The stone door slides upward. Yeesh, look at all these skeletons clawing the other side. Hey idiots, the treasure's on your side!! Nutters…
The huge buzzsaw is almost upon you! You use your last strength to make the sign of the Cross. Was it a were-saw after all?? Turn to page 1.
Cleanly sliced bones litter the entrance. You consider the Sawblade Defense amulet, but take the Crocodile Defense anyway, "just in case".
#IPlayed the demo of Thomas Was Alone. Seems to overestimate the entertainment value of Lost Vikings's platforming vs Lost Vikings's puzzles
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/32893476589 - I'm a bit of a fan of unintentional similarities like this.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3195/2315199082_5b9f74793e.jpg I always wanted a see-thru Game Boy when I was a kid. Authentic circuit-board chic. Clear like an exotic sea-creature.
http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2030 - I still like this dino-comics episode.
It'll be hard to take "time travel" seriously if it's ever invented. We'd have to call it "chrono-commuting" just to keep a straight face.
Strange… the inscription in this bowl-shaped room translates to "Graverobber Soup"… Suddenly, you hear hissing steam and rushing water…
I can't help but wonder about Half-Life 2's setting. Is there an unspoken assumption that fascism is more believable in a European locale?
Near the entrance, statues of your deaths: choked by superpython; stabbed by long-nailed fingerbeast; dissolved in fountain of ancient urine
Fortunately you have so many health tanks that the missile impacting your stomach simply reminds you of being tackled by your childhood dog.
Space Marine Accidentally Welds Door Open Instead Of Shut: "C'mon, they each have the same goddamn animation!"
#IPlayed Sphere. http://www.remiboutin.com/projectsphere/en/sphere.html Toss a ball to plot a parabola, then launch yourself along it. Feels awfully fragile and scary to use.
Here in fearful leaps come the frog spearmen, decked in Greek armour. The dreaded hoplites!
Having no need to walk anywhere, the Empress's ever-skyward feet wore elegant miniature robes, her toes adorned with tiny crowns and wigs.
You keep hitting the crystal soldier, but only make her body vibrate faster. You feel your flesh quivering… Oh no… Your resonant frequency!
Beneath you: broken lockpicks, bent skeleton keys and other ruined devices of induced ingress. You gaze up at the leering keyhole.
The cutlery chops you up, the main courses gobble your flesh, and the desserts clean your bones! Alas! You have been eaten by a banquet.
"Trapped in time! Forced to relive the same 50 million years over and over! Thus I curse you, trespasser." Cackling, the mummy dissolves.
So does the teleporter malfunction actually briefly send you into Garry's Mod or what
Half-Life 2 is so desperate to keep you on track that the game world is starting to break down.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cybertext "In a game, the person makes decisions and decides what to do, what punches to punch, or when to jump."
You leap down into the final chamber of the dungeon. The room is empty but for one circular saw near a sign reading "Please walk into this."
You open the casket, and behold… a solid gold spike? And you forgot to bring pockets or a bag? A ghostly voice whispers "Your chest cavity…"
http://macintoshgarden.org/games/gordak - "The titular rampant AI has built a playground for himself out of an animation studio's CG assets."
Half-Life 2.
NPCs' arm and neck movements become ever more desperate as they realise you're not advancing the plot and they can't do anything about it.
Half-Life 2 NPCs are adorable when they tell you to press a button and then lapse into silence as you stare at them for 3 minutes.
"Women were built to be destroyers." -thing the radio two rooms over probably said.
First-person game where you play several soldiers in sequence, but your point-of-view is the baby they're all smugging out of the country.
Amnesic protagonist game where everyone you meet mistakes you for a different person and you have no idea who you are or what's going on.
Half-Life 2.
"Only the true princess of the steelfolk would be so delicate as to feel the massive whirring drill-bit boring into her side as she slept."
You punch the goblin. Ironic, isn't it, how your weapon is your own vulnerable flesh. I'd never fight anything less than 3km away, myself…
"Getting stabbed is regarded as a bad omen. Like the old saying, 'Knife in the gut, your career is in a rut.' Best avoid all blades today…"
You swing the axe and deal 12 damage. It's kind of sad, really. That you must exert so much effort just to kill. Such a waste of energy.
http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/post/32757547427/sexy-parodius - If any of you can roughly translate these, feel free to sate my curiousity.
"This is repulsive," sighs the village nurse at your prone form. "Being controlled by your belly. Have you no dignity?" You gurgle in reply.
You feel the slime in your belly rapidly slosh back and forth. You start lurching every which way… Felled by your own belly… How loathsome!
You feel your belly quiver… you'd sworn that slime was dead before you ate it… how ironic that your meals have been nourishing an inner foe!
You open GameFAQs on Halloween… all codes replaced with "DANGER !!!!!!! TERROR HORROR" from Kid Icarus… You just wanted the Wily 1 password…
Is it God's providence that this chasm's far edge is within your foot's reach? Or are you God, and it really is uncrossable to all but you?
Had those architects with devils' brains not meant these spikes to keep you out? Or are your legs' powers far beyond even devils' reckoning?
You adore conquering hostile architecture. Walls jutting spikes not far enough, floors opening pits not wide enough, cliffs not tall enough…
This is the deepest room in the dungeon. You relish being fully surrounded by the dungeon. Hostile stone, detesting your presence inside it…
Why was this the second enemy in the game.
It's like a Newton's cradle of Koopas.
In 200X, microchips have replaced education. The rich are studded with black scales… this one is Swahili, they say. This one, surf kayaking.
Capitalism reigns… The word "gold" has replaced "God." "Money" replaced "mommy." "Buck" replaced most swear words. All boys are named Bill.
The year is 200X… Dolly the sheep's self-replicating descendants have deemed human life… inefficient. Only a few have survived The Grazing.
One of Super Mario World's more placid stages.
Instead of spikes, a pit lined with arms ready to dismantle your body into raw parts - nothing reaches the ground but shoes.
Instead of spikes, a pit lined with fists that punch you as you fall down it.
Yes, remembering the 90's is a hallmark of vapid clueless aging Gen-Y nerds, but seriously if the Animorphs fought the Mask, who would win
"I bring bad news: we're running out of gravity. From now on, puzzle platformers can only have 2 levels with gravity in them."
You open the door to a vast meadow of perfect black needles in glistening red soil - an entire room dedicated to growing designer eyelashes.
Tumblr background http://animatedscreenshots.tumblr.com/ SECURED.
This is what one of my upcoming GIFs looks like with maximum lossy compression.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tiger_vs._Bear_(2).jpg - Taxidermy exhibit portraying a brown bear fighting a Siberian tiger, Vladivostok Museum
Playing the Cutting worlds in ECT got me marvelling at how they use properties of cube traversal to overrule properties of grid traversal.
"Your most potent nightmares are of apocalypse, of humanity's near-extinction… How narcissistic, that you cast yourself as a sole survivor."
"Light is a finite resource, and if you feel an object must be visible for you to operate it, a request must submitted two days in advance."
"Due to your chronic hand usage violations, they have been confiscated and replaced with the Manipulizer 2000. All activity will be logged."
The sun is entranced by her reflection in a mirrored cloud. You seize this opportunity and ready your missiles.
Let's unclench the grip of the Cartesian grid over videogames. Let bloom hex-grid platformers, triangle-grid Sokobans, rhombus-tile puzzles.
"Three endings to my book are in this train station locker," the author announced. "The first to reach it gets to choose which one is real."
"Alert!" screams the Futurablade DX, "cutting living flesh is not a feature!" You ignore it as it recommends more suitable Futura products.
Accursed endless email that is impossible to stop reading… Your client knew it was a spam, but let it pass anyway as a cruel practical joke…
"Our snot exports are the only thing shielding us from the GFC… To upset or displease the industry captains in any way is fiscal suicide."
"Some say the Snot Mine is untenable, that the Nose is but part of a colossal Beast that will soon wake… Unhelpful ideas in this economy."
It stops you drowning out of water, it lets you double-jump on the ground. It unlocks unlocked doors, it finds things you haven't not found.
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