Leon's Microblog – July 2011

"It's the world's humblest handgun. Three inches long, has one moving part, and was crafted by an old Chilean widow out of melted tin cans."
"That's fine, that's, that's fine. That's just the, uh, upper threshold of normal. That thing it's doing now. Er, excuse me."
"You ran away to join the circus at 9 and amused 304 people before dying at 27, earning you the rank of Minor Distraction From Life's Pain."
"She was down 40-love, then suddenly she made my side of the court occupy both sides of the net, and I double-faulted."
"The game was fine until she revealed a fourth spatial dimension and moved her pawn to that edge of the board, promoting to an ultraqueen."
"In this water balloon: tears of anguish. In the other: tears of joy. Now I know one of these will make you burst into flames, but which..."
"Throw away your cloves of garlic / Put a welcome sign over your door / Show the vampires you're not afrai-aid anymoooore."
"But beware, for the healing potion has a curse - if you stub your toe again within the next 24 hours, that toe will be stubbed... forever."
"Get a silver feather from the ice crow by the sea. If it sees you, your first son will be born cackling with rainbow hair and an erection."
"Note: this flower will only bloom if its pot is thrown from a second-floor window by an irate housewife at a fleeing unfaithful husband."
http://forums.selectbutton.net/viewtopic.php?t=33593 - Some screenshots from that Nintendo game where you make games.
"Things won't be that bad, will they?" "Yes they will, but by then we'll all be used to it."
Egad... *sound of scrolls unfurling* The most despicable kind of Internet fiction... wizardfic. *sound of beards brushing against floor*
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/MacReset.zip - This is a Mac port of @roBurky's Reset (slightly updated since last time).
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/MacPunishment2.zip - This is a Mac build of @messhof's Punishment: The Punishing.
"In my next game you can kill and eat a redwood, legally marry a firearm, and ramp a motorcycle into low Earth orbit."
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/MacSeiklus.zip - This is a Mac port of Seiklus.
Once knew a guy who hacked his office door to warp you to the lobby when you opened it. You could only enter by opening a filing cabinet.
I've seen guys who hacked their job security level to 999% then just started smashing everyone's monitors with baseball bats.
I Have Only My Life To Give, But if It Comes To That I Will Kill You First
In case you missed it, I made a Mac port of @mossmouth's Spelunky 1.0: http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/SpelunkyMac.zip three days ago.
If It Keeps Walking, Don't Stop Shooting, 'Cause That Son-Of-A-Bitch Can't Feel Pain #IndieGameTitles
Step 3: Squeeze The Trigger And For God's Sake Look Away #IndieGameTitles
The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn / Is To Run And Be Chased In Return #IndieGameTitles
I Got Ten Grand Turning You In, Then Blew It All Bailing You Out: A Love Story
If You See Your Father Again, Aim For The Head Then Tell Him Ma Says Hi
A Big Explosion Turned Everyone Into A Burning Dead Person: A Novel
"I want to assure you that I would NEVER use my ability to alter your memories, and you can always trust in everything you think you know."
"I have total control over your body's chemistry. I could even give you blissful euphoria whenever you complete a test! But I won't. Ever."
"At will, I can intravenously teleport water and nutrients directly into your bloodstream. So your 'hunger strike' is utterly pointless."
"Good news! Your constant yearning to escape can now end! I deleted the outside world. Apparently I can do that. Now it's just you and me."
"This mission requires perfection. We can afford zero mistakes." *pours coffee into empty air 4 inches in front of mouth* "Damn, not again."
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/SpelunkyMac.zip - This is a Mac port of @mossmouth's Spelunky 1.0, made with GM for Mac.
"2123- Dropping the Big Bird space laser on enemy territory and building a new one found to be more cost-effective than actually firing it."
"2110 - world famine is temporarily slaked by a new virus that infects grass, rendering it edible to humans. 'Global shaving' begins."
"Okay, I think I've tricked my body into thinking one especially white cup of tea was breakfast. Messed-up metabolism don't fail me nowwww!"
"As you duplicated yourself twice in order to finish this essay on time, I fear I must divide your final mark by three. C+ for each of you."
"This essay's flawless, but I heard that you received it wholesale from your future self, and I have to penalise closed causal loops. A-"
"It was a great speech, but I'm afraid I telepathically sensed your stage fright as you went to the podium, so I have to mark you down. B+"
"Ransom Www Skid, Private Eye. The triple W is pronounced 'trouble you' because that's what I do. To evildoers."
"Do I look like I was born yesterday?" he smirked. He was talking to a baby. But the baby was really a mirror. #twitterchillers
http://l.j-factor.com/mangled/cave.mp3 - Sound that came out of my speakers just now.
http://l.j-factor.com/gamemaker/MacRunMan.zip - This is a Mac port of @TomSennett and @MattThorson's RunMan: Race Around the World.
You smell smoke ---> Is it coming from the computer ---No---> Keep playing videogames for six hours.
http://l.j-factor.com/emulation/ - I put most all of my Super Mario Bros. hacks on a bona fide web page.
"You have 5 lifelines: Abort an Answer, Disintegrate a Decoy, Reel in a Red Herring, Foreclose on a Faux Pas or Chunder All Over a Blunder."
"Okay, time to stop staring vacantly into space while being completely useless! ...Fine, but just five more hours."
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