"It's basically a prosthetic third arm I made myself so that I could give myself a high-five in a more satisfactory manner."
"Bill, listen. One, I erased your memory of our past four break-ups. Two, I'm leaving you for the fifth time." Then she turned into a bird.
"What sort of asshole," he gnashed, "would go out of his way to steal a prescription for acne medicine?!"
"Thank you," he replied. "Your knock-knock jokes have assuaged the demons of fear and self-hatred that make me cry in my sleep every night."
"Don't worry!" said Future Me, "YOUR BEST DAYS ARE AHEAD! For one thing, you bust out of maximum security prison and steal a time machine!"
"Jen said as she walked past, 'You know that huffing pure oxygen makes you age faster.' Trust her to always take the fun out of things."
"At this point I can only be certain of two things: one, my eyes are bleeding, and two, my blood has turned salty and transparent."
I once killed a ghost by making him believe he was returned to life, and so he shot himself. When you die as a ghost, you die for real.
"The tattooist accidentally improvised a design so horrifying that he died of terror when he finished it. That's why I'm wearing sleeves."
"Monster, when I was two planks short of finishing this house, I used the bones from my own left leg. Now scram before I kick you out!"
"[My music] is like a tiny fairy, caressing and massaging your eardrum with her gentle fingers. She's coated in wax and she doesn't care."
It's odd, returning to your childhood house to find that its new owners have refurbished it far better than your parents ever could.
"Hey, um, what's the name of that insect with two horns on the end and it burrows into human flesh? The, uh, ambulance guy wants to know."