"Let's give up, Mitch," he said. "We just can't play baseball with two people, one basketball and a paintbrush."
"You do know that vampirism is actually an airborne disease, spread from dust?" is what he tried to say before she hammered the stake home.
"Not really a crop circle.... more like a crop rearrangement." He gestured to the two intertwined spirals of still-rooted cabbages.
"These aliens... they say one third-kinder, a little girl, drove them away with goddamned milk and cookies! That's why we call 'em Santas."
"God mocks me with His lazy clouds," thought the zombie. "He knows I long to rest, but must forever walk, lest Satan will pull me to Hell."
"Now, now, genie," he said, placing the oil lamp on the stump, "this should fix both of our problems." He raised the axe.
"Sorry, mate," he said, grimly. "I just can't get any pleasure outta fightin' a creature which isn't capable of being insulted."
"We can try to invade the Dragonlord's castle by two ways: many, many weeks of tunneling, or a few short seconds of fighting to the death."
Collecting coins in a video game make nearby real coins vanish. Man tries to use it to sabotage a rival's shop, but is terrible at the game.
A family dog, ordered to impersonate the father, barely manages to bluff his way through a tearful domestic argument with the mother.
A dead wife's ghost touches her widower's new wedding ring, and at the same instant his living wife's ring burns hot on her finger.
50's husband trains his dog to impersonate him while he cheats on his second family with his first, dead family, who appear on full moons.
"...like the falsity that our dearly dead 'look down on us' from Heaven. The Heaven-sent forget the mortal Earth and its bonds completely."
She looked up at the massive sunflower. It gazed down, eyeless, at her. She suddenly thought to hide the ripped daisies behind her back.
"Why does even a small spark of sadness grow to consume me," he thought to himself, not even listening to her, "like a fire in my heart?"
"Well, Brain's dead," said Liver. "Guess we're all laid off." And so the organs left the Body in search of new careers elsewhere.
"Aah!" he cried when only half of the anchor chain emerged from the water. "Accursed mermaids! This means we've been drifting for days!"
Only six days into their around-the-world honeymoon yacht trip, and they're already wondering if ship captains can perform divorces too.
"The safest armour you can wear in the presence of dragons is, ironically, made of softest gold. No dragon will dare slash or sear it."
"Okay, I know you don't like spiders, but please hold still and just think of this as a really big and really really skinny starfish."
"How can such a little boat move so swiftly with no wind? Is... is that a magic carpet tied to its mast?"
"So, um, how long are you gonna be carrying these marked assignments of yours in your bag?" "UNTIL THEY ROT AWAY."
"We once tried writing an episode on drugs. Here's the result: the word 'beans', 96 times on each side, and 8 on the paper's four edges."
"Yes, darl, just lay down 'er bones in the pool and there'll be meat on 'em again in no time. But be sure you lay 'em in the right order!"
"Sorry," smirked the hydra. "We're out of princesses. But we do have this skeleton as a consolation prize. And look, we left her hair on!"
Two copies of the Bible. Bookmarks placed between one appear in the other. Used by an immigrant worker to send remittances home to Europe.
"I've been training my muscle memory for a hundred years," he said. "I let my head sleep while my body plays videogames through the night."
"Eat me," said the apple. "I can't - you have a human face," he replied. "What about now?" asked the apple. "At least make it a roast pig."
"Want some boiled eyeballs, prisoner?" asked the Raven King. "Just imagine what worldly wonders this most unique of meals has seen!"
A devious trap indeed - the bound princess herself was the counterweight to the blade high above her! What to do, he thought. What to do.
"Oh, the clock tower shows the faery world's time. We all watch, run home, and bar our doors and windows, as it approaches midnight."
His wards had secretly smeared the antidote to his meal over his skin. The hard part would be leaving his enemy's table to lick himself.
She gave her first kiss through a gap in an electric fence. In her later, bitter years she decided that only the danger made it thrilling.
"Ah," he choked. "My every word is spattered with blood." "First time in 30 years you've spoken to me from the heart," replied his wife.
"I'm leaving him!" she cried. She didn't know he was behind her with a present - a lifesize portrait of her. She turned and tore through it.
"Here's your handbook." He then clasped his hands. They fell off his wrists onto the table, and folded out to reveal writing on the palms.
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/1448 - This one is basically Below the House plus Dig Dug plus Where We Remain.
"Son, a man with no friends is like a butt with no cheeks: nothing at all! So get out and give high-fives to all of your new classmates."
"Sweeter than sin, hotter than Hell, blacker than Satan's heart," is not how you order coffee at a local church fete.
"The mayfly lives for only a day and then dies," said the guru. "We are no different." Then he opened fire into the crowd.
"It isn't even a volcano," wept the geologist as lava poured down Mt. Everest's slopes. "It isn't even a Goddamned volcano."
"Nothing important EVER happens at twenty-five past the hour," thought Twenty-Five Past the Hour, sadly.
"Don't worry mommy. I can see the zombies' thoughts, and they just want to give us a biiiiiiig group hug."
"Nick Splitter. This sword's edge packs so much rarefied slashity-slash that it can slice logs in half while it's still in its scabbard."
"I can't pay you back, ever, but when you die I'll let you have my spot in Heaven, and I'll eternally wander the Earth in your place."
"The trees are holding the hill's soil together. They go, the soil blows away, the Onyx Visage is uncovered - and you know what that means."
"This bomb soaks the area in consistent lateness. For days they will be slightly too slow, missing deadlines left and right."
"This is a potent gun - it fires the belief that you have been killed and are now dead. Leaves 'em in a catatonic grief for hours."
"And this room is bedecked in broken chairs, bloody handprints and discarded revolvers. The murder victim ghosts will love it."
"Before she was taken into Heaven, she blessed this land. So, all these centuries later, all the chilis I grow from it are mild and gentle!"
She tried her best to preserve the Tome, but, not knowing what writing was, she let its pages fall out, and replaced them with blank sheets.
"When His Fiery Incandescence's bathwater drains down to us, you have to let it sit for awhile until it becomes cool enough to drink."
"This cake better have been baked in dragonbreath," said the Princess on her tenth birthday. "If it hasn't, I CAN TELL!"
"You do like to show off, Margie, but must you roll the die by catching it in your mouth and spitting it into a shot glass on every turn?!"
"I do not get this music, this 'Chariots of Fire'. You say nonsense - you say it is music about running really, really slowly!"
"Now wait just a minute!" spluttered my psychiatrist. "What do you mean, your dreams are about things that AREN'T real?!"
"My friends," softly murmured the Time traveler, "I have been on an incredible journey through Time, Illinois."
God couldn't hold in a sneeze, and all the trees and flowers and animals woke up again. #SouthernHemisphere
"Man, it's like she went shopping and came back with disaster instead of noodles, but decided to use up the packet anyway."
"This is actually worth a strong B+, but I just noticed that by doing this I'll have given each grade to someone in this class. B-."