Leon's Microblog – July 2010

"Man, how come Frank is a guy's name if women are so much more frank than men?" This question assailed his very soul for several long hours.
He found himself completely unable to pull the sink's plug. "Only the corporeal can break water's surface tension," his companion said.
"Are you a good guy or a bad guy in this game?" asked Suzie. "IN THE PURGATORY OF SUPER MARIO BROS WE ARE ALL SINNERS," replied Jacob.
The propaganda leaflet drop missed the urban area entirely, but filled bare winter trees with red leaves. They called it 'Second Autumn'.
"Well, we think it's, like, 'shouting' with radio waves, into our satellite dish, listening to its own voice magnified back at itself."
He watched as they paraded his sliced tuxedo through the street in triumph, thinking it to be his skin.
http://www.glorioustrainwrecks.com/node/1385 - Let's get this baby on the road.
A music game where the only song is Shave and a Haircut and the only instrument is your finger. You win when you drive your cellmate crazy.
"The difference between me and the dog," he slowly replied to his wife, "is that the dog cannot talk to you whereas I choose not to."
"Oh, I was just cleansing my basement. Cleaning my basement. Cleaning."
"Now, remember, we need to get this quantity precise - enough to kill him, but not so much that he'll return as a ghost."
Several of the torn floorboards were nailed together in the semblance of a tree. "It made me," he gasped, gesturing at it. "It made me!"
"That's how it goes," he said, still pacing. "You lose ten thousand of my dollars, you'll just hafta go back... and steal it from yourself."
"Left foot forward!" she shouted at the ground, ever more frantically. "Right foot forward!" The wheeled beast continued to advance.
"The last time I cut a single one of my hairs," the bedraggled man wheezed, "it screamed and screamed... until I had to BURN IT."
The garden grew odd fruits. A sliced thumb fell from a rose. A bush sprouted a foot. The apple tree bore a lady's head, her neck slit open.
"Well," he whispered to his goldfish, "looks like it's just gonna be you and me from now on."
"If I publicly correct them, they will just declare that I 'deny the allegations'. And 'denying', to the public, is equivalent to 'lying'."
"I'm sorry," she said, no longer trying to affix the muscle to the bone. "I can't do this. I... I don't want to make a baby anymore."
"Unlike what this otherwise delightful story purports, a lone sheep away from its flock will not follow a cloud to the ends of the Earth."
"Then you shave the cat to find its tattoo, paint the symbol on the roof to alert the chopper, then punch out the pilot and steal his ring."
"I don't get it, Jon," she cackled. "If this is a nightmare, then why is everyone so happy?!" Blood began pouring from their grinning lips.
"I laughed, I cried, I conquered" was not, in fact, an authentic review quote for Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.
"A stopped watch is right twice a day," he whispered. "Cockerels are only right once a day. Think about it."
"She turned my body to putty and then wedgied me clean in half," he said to his chums in the afterlife. "What'd she do to you?"
"I can fly, mummy! I can fly!" But she soon realised that she'd only managed to make her body below the neck numb and invisible.
They sent the same Valentine's card to each other year after year. Before they ran out of room to write new words on it, one of them died.
On the day she finally awoke her powers, she joyfully punched her tiny little house to pieces, brick by brick, plank by plank.
"I'm warm," said Ilia as they dragged her into the infernal light. "Listen, Rem! I finally feel warm!" And then the Hellcleft slammed shut.
The Warrior stumbled and clutched his gaping wound. The Seamstress took her needles and got out a patch of linen.
He slowly and silently eased the tiny brick out, reached inside, and touched another person's hand for the first time in nine years.
"I've had my share of broken ankles, and one time Alice got decapitated. ...Yeah, she looks fine now thanks to good ol' first aid and CPR."
"I don't get it. I'm 25 and my mother still says that my sickly baby brother went into space to live with the Man on the Moon when I was 7."
"I'm so angry I could eat my teeth!!"
"I can tell just by reading these oh-so-weighty intonations on mortality that this author has never actually died."
"Gentlemen, I thank you for your hospitality and wish you farewell." Then he opened his umbrella, laid it on the water, and rode it away.
"I refuse to read this news. This is unthinkable. This is beyond comprehension. Viewers, turn the TV off and go to bed now."
"I'm still waiting to hear the results on Hammer vs. Thumb."
"Sorry, cape kid, but just 'cause you can leap onto the roofs of skyscrapers in a single hop don't mean I can't arrest you for trespassing."
"Look on my hand to see my body's pain in small. My index finger is held only by duct tape, my pinkie by glue, and my thumb by sewing pins."
The deacon thought himself prepared, but found his composure quite shattered by Death's blatant ignorance of the "Queen on her colour" rule.
"It's a book comprised entirely of Page 13's from every other book he had in his library - excised and exiled to this accursed tome."
Finally, the dog stole his master's tie, and now had all of his clothes. Sunrise would come, and man and beast would thus exchange forms.
The potion did not, in fact, give her speed to see the Millenium Rose's opening in time, but gave her apathy enough to care no more for it.
A child haplessly plugs a set of earphones directly into a wall socket and hears the moans of imprisoned power plant spirits pour forth.
"I'm doing fine myself" he replied, and they shook hands. Due to a sudden chain of events, they then held hands until they died hours later.
"Can you believe it?! A nugget of purest gullibullion!"
"Now, did I use the stupid password for this website, or the ridiculous password?"
"We can't possibly carry this gold all the way down with our broken arms, Jerry!" "We sure can't, Jim. But if we were to melt the gold..."
"As an Internet consumeur, I feel extremely entitled to vast piles of free drawings to shove in my vision holes all day long."
She kept that fish, in violation of her vows against possession, for three months, feeding it with blood from her frequent nosebleeds.
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