Leon's Microblog – October 2009

"Look, there's only one piece of jewelry on this entire ship, so it'll just have to be everybody's wedding ring. Comprehende?"
#TerribleGameMechanics The top screen has the hero. The bottom screen has the hero's motor cortex. Poke and prod until you reach the castle.
"So here's the game idea. You're a writer approaching a deadline. You win if you type 5,000 words of grammatically correct text in 1 hour."
#TerribleGameMechanics It's like a scrolling shooter, but when you shoot an enemy a dialog box pops up asking you to "say please".
She covered her satellite prison with space junk until its orbit decayed and it sank towards home. Then she began brainstorming step 2.
It's the afterlife, and most of the alien civilisations are laughing at us for having "left the game" so early and so limply.
"Thank goodness for the books-into-birds spell - we would've been hanged!" "Yes, my master, but now the Manifesto is flying away!"
She knew he'd hid his mistress in the wall cavity, but all her daughter heard was a strangely intense conversation about hanging a painting.
In her rage, she tried to rip up all of the ransom cash before he got back. But the wads too thick, and she didn't think to separate them.
"See? She's a Cancelled One. Like someone rubbed out all the colour in her. Her voice sounds like nothing. You cut her, she bleeds water."
"The guns are real, but the things pulling the triggers aren't!"
This is a quick Game Maker prototype combining @MattThorson and @messhof styles. http://j.mp/Jumpwrench001
"I notice you enjoy putting fried eggs into your body. Is this because of your uterus envy?"
"The huge animatronic hand malfunctioned, tickling the actress's stomach for 35 minutes, making her mentally regress to an infantile state."
"I bought this adorable plush gorilla for Junior, and it was only when I got home that I remembered that Junior had moved out."
The Apple ][ and the Apple /// - do they not possess the classiest Roman numerals?
Obviously, the middle of a tropical thunderstorm is the ripest time to start backing up your files.
And so, atop her great tower, the princess's body was snatched. But she'd prepared well, and 90 booby-trapped floors awaited her new master.
It knew nothing of gun safety, and its host cared little for gun care. This time, it had snatched the wrong body.
He killed her, and from her corpse, paper poured forth - the manuscript she never got to write, trapped in her paralysed body for 29 years.
When you have a small nuclear reactor built into your chest, you don't need to wear clothes on your Antarctic nightwalks.
This inter-office memo uses the phrase "w-w-whoa!" 6 times, "homeslice" 5 times, "hold yer horses" 4 times, and "schintzy" thrice.
Continually aggrieved by the ghost's clanking chains, one night she popped several balloons and attached their ghosts to the chains.
Vampires can't naturally suck up blood through their fangs like "reverse snakes". Gadget salesman "Handy" Mickey Handley saw an opportunity.
"I am not just an expert in thanatology, but also," he declared, while producing from his coat a thin box-shaped object, "thanatography."
"I wish my forearms were stronger, just so that hugging myself would feel more emotionally fulfilling."
He arrived to find six co-workers and his boss jackhammering his cubicle floor. "Buried treasure," they barked without turning to face him.
"Blimey, driving the Earth-to-Venus motorway wouldn't be half bad if there was just some bloomin' scenery! 'sall just stars and, and black!"
"Grand news, exalted Empress! The crystal bridge between Venus and Earth is completed!"
"This recipe calls for dried comet tails and chopped sunbeams. Do you know how hard it is to find a store that stocks them?"
It may have once been the firing chamber of a thousand-year-old combat sattelite, but for its current six-legged inhabitants, it was home.
The tropical fish were panicked, and not just because they were stuck in a gyrating ball of water steadily drifting away from the spaceship.
"I'm not doing this because I disagree with you... but that I agree with you twice as much as you agree with yourself!"
"Crushed by a falling safe?" muttered the toon. "No, I can't imagine anything more gauche. I'd far prefer to be crushed by a falling piano."
"Yes, it is a voiceless, amorphous, ever-growing sentient black fluid that consumes colour and music, but its rights need to be respected."
"I took a piece of the sky down so that my below-ground friends could see. Hopefully the above-grounders won't notice the hole."
"Sure, sure, she may have played me like a card, but I like to imagine that I was her treasured, coveted Ace."
She fell for a snowman her son built last winter. At midnight, she sneaks out of bed, down to the basement freezer. She is... The Snomantic.
Don't work in an office tower that's fallen in love with another tower. The positive cupidine charge dampens the emotions of its workers.
I asked my cellmate if our universe was just a single atom inside a larger universe. Replied "I think I'll tell that to my next cellmate."
Last night my cellmate whispered "There's only one piece of rope in the world, threaded through thousands of portals."
Now, I know it isn't easy for young giants to gather bouquets for their dates, but did he have to uproot MY blooming Jacaranda trees?
Two old men on opposite piers / Tangled hooks / A fishing rod tug-o'-war / Both pulled in the water by the other's hand.
As the bend drew closer and closer, he fretfully asked himself, "Are train tracks supposed to have right angles?"
"Ah. I seem to have run short of materials," muttered the Creator. "I guess I'll just have to make the last continent entirely out of gold!"
The paper aeroplane love letter spun in the air and entered the apartment window below... landing atop yesterday's letter, still folded.
People mocked the hydra's lament of loneliness. "I just want someone to talk to! Don't I deserve even that?" cried three of its heads.
When the dragon asked around for a lighter, he got only laughter. "You think I can turn it on and off like a tap?!" he howled in his head.
"Looks like the rules just became an endangered species!" he shouted in triumph as the raptors chased the umpire.
Scene: a junior cop is stepping around card-houses, wineglass stacks and long rows of dominos, so that he won't "disturb the crime scene."
"This song reminds me of when she shot me with that gravity perpediculator and I had to climb up the floor of a parking lot to escape."
"Okay, Jim, you're six foot six - stride through the door wearing an expression that hides your utter aversion to all forms of violence!"
After being hit by lightning twice, he said "God's jealous of my stunning good looks," which is also what he said just after the 1st strike.
"Of course I keep my TV unplugged when I'm not watching stuff. I'm not a... a Power Nosferatu or anythin'."
"Aw. What a shame. You died before I could kill you." "YOU died BECAUSE I killed you!"
"Um. I don't know how we're flying around inside the sun, but we're flying around inside the sun. Just... keep the curtains closed, please."
"We're in a shuttle. In space. Surrounded by robot bees. You can't. Open. The windows. You c- okay, close the window now. Close the window!"
"No, I'm sorry, I like this sandcastle too much. Fred, get me the glaze. Iris, send a pickup truck."
At her touch, the pillow effortlessly parted from the stone. She turned, and saw that all of the slumber party guests were on bended knee.
She had 97 brothers and sisters, all of whom died centuries before she was born. Such is the burden of being the child of an immortal.
Those wags had up and painted A's on every key of his typewriter! Now how was he supposed to write his Big Book of Shrieks, Sighs and Moans?
It's the autumn of the day - time for the clothesline harvest.
Accidentally lost my handmaiden down the side of the couch for a week. Couldn't they find larger hands to make them out of?
I don't drink coffee because I consider caffeine to be "playing God".
"Yolanda, I'd love to give you an A+, I really do, but every other student in this class has got an A+ and it'd be just too freaky. A-."
"Through tattered clothes small vices do appear; Robes and furred gowns hide all," declared King Lear as he donned his X-ray goggles.
"His heart was broken" he typed. Then changed the last word to "shattered." Then "shredded." Then "eviscerated". And added "(figuratively)."
Graffiti near my house - "ANOTHER WORLD IS POSSIBLE." Considered a philosophical rebuttal - "NO OTHER WORLD IS POSSIBLE."
All she does each day is come home, draw the blinds, and watch shaky videos of herself as a toddler. What does she find so enticing?
The moral of this story is: don't put your jetpack on upside-down, unless you want to kick someone in the face really, really hard.
"I'm not pushing 50," he said with a smirk. "I'm whipping 50. I'm making 50 cry."
His neighbour handed him a parcel. "My other neighbour said to pass it on to your other neighbour." He did so, and told them the same.
"The heck? That skywriting is all, like, mirror-writing! It says... 'PLEASE DON'T... KILL US'?" "...It's not for us. It's for up there."
True story: when I first heard Yoda's voice, I instantly realised it was pretty much identical to Grover's. #HowSesameStreetRuinedStarWars
"Men, I'll need a sledgehammer, a helicopter, a skyhook, and directions to the nearest clock tower. It's time... to hypnotise a giant."
"Dad, it's a flying saucer! We can't just attach a car motor to it! ...Um, we can't just attach a car motor to it, ET?"
http://j.mp/ThinkingWithPointers - a Game Maker prototype of a game about pointers (the programming datatype).
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