"Oh Susan, Susan. Oh fickle fate that willed our reunion after so many decades! C+, a grade as sickeningly vile as you are beautiful."
"Your work is flawless, but is so stilted and mechanical that it is obvious you have no passion or enthusiasm for your subject. A+-"
"And with that single failure, your entire paper is shattered, your talent shown as the lie it is. A-, but oh what a terrible minus it is."
"Could you perform a tarot reading on a chimpanzee? Has anyone ever performed a tarot reading on a chimpanzee?"
"What do you mean? I've seen the sun rise in the west. And the north, too. That's natural for everyone on the Spinning Continent, I think."
"If your chest was an unflushed toilet, I would still stick my head in it," he said, serenading her.
What a terribly mean river: just when it approaches the shore and gets everyone's hopes up, it suddenly flows into a bottomless pit.
Such thick fog! It is as if I climbed all the way to the top of this lighthouse only to emerge on solid ground.
Plot: some scientists, trapped in a cramped fallout shelter for 350 years, shrink themselves to make their tiny room into a huge wide world.
"I am SO on top of this essay. I'm riding this essay bareback, sabre in hand, tricorn hat, pointing to glory. ..I'll start writing it SOON."
The film quickly gets choppier and choppier, until the audience turns toward the projector, where they see a huge banner reading "THE END!"
Not quite grasping the fundamental difference between the whiteboard and a blackboard, he started writing on it with a charcoal stick.
Things that enraptured me as a child: the unnatural shape-shifting of wet clay on a rapid potter's wheel, sculpted by a still hand.
"This contradiction we call 'love' is as illogical as the linguistic paradox that is the phrase 'binary digit'," he crooned, serenading her.
This storefront is just a wall of glass, behind which is a flatscreen TV showing moving clouds, and an empty hallway receding into darkness.
In a moment, it had imprinted on the bowling pins, and began to viciously attack all who dared harm them.
#indiegametitle "Hold The Right Arrow Key To Watch A Metaphor Slowly Unfold" (via http://tr.im/wSbH)
"No," she said, in a wavering tone not dissimilar to genuine emotion. "You don't understand. I'm the only one with THIS forehead barcode."
"Don't worry - since all clones are exactly identical, you only have to shoot just one to take 'em all down."
I might make a videogame called "Video Game". It will involve hunting biomechanical deer that have TVs for heads. #terriblepun
At the end of a play, how can you applaud in such a way as to laud the playwright, director, stage and costume crew... but not the actors?
To clarify, the 'normal food snobs' are the sort of people who take twenty minutes to eat a peanut butter sandwich.
The floor is lava, the darkness is swallowing death, the silence is glass that shatters to knives, and the sunrise will burn your eyes.
The truth is, this humble housewife soon became addicted to the adrenaline rush that results from almost accidentally dropping a plate.
The first kind don't know why he did it, and hate him. The second kind know why he did it, and hate him all the more. The third kind is him.
Thanks to the latest advances in projectile smoochistics, blowing and catching kisses has now become a reality.
The invention of hot pink and electric cyan chlorophyll single-handedly ushered the world into the era of Kitsch Horticulture.
It's raining! Loud weather instils even the most passive of moments with the illusion of energy and auspiciousness.
She'd skewered about two dozen fallen leaves on her umbrella. Then she popped it open, and brown shreds fluttered all around her.
It's not that this movie - this little world inside it - feels 'wrong'... it's more the case that it feels 'differently right'.
My eyes grew tired, and asked my ears to cover their shift. They weren't very good at seeing, so they just fed made-up images to my brain.
In his hallucinations, he saw the clock hands as scissor blades, swinging down to cut the last string of his life at a quarter past three.
We're proud to present Watoil! Water and oil, together at last. Only available at our city branch on the corner of Parallel and Parallel.
"Hey, what're you doin'?" "Oh, just seeing whether this staple gun or this nail gun shoots the furtherest." "Mmkay then, seeya."
Too many people tried to shimmy along the clothesline spanning two apartments, causing both buildings to crash against each other.
As a result, he lost the ability to hear any sound, except for his mother's voice. This caused numerous problems for him later in life.
"I would say that it bored me to tears, but that would imply that time and causation aren't just delusions of our sick, imprisoned minds."
And suddenly, there the Earth was - orbiting a sun that was not its mother, surrounded by planets with no names. A lodger in a new house.
Clutching a bell jar and an oxygen tank, the Undersea Prometheus went forth to fulfill his ancient geas - to bring fire to the ocean floor.
It was a pipe that pumped seawater and sand uphill, to create a geographic absurdity, a monument to man's omnipotence: a mountaintop beach.
The helicopter, defying many of the villagers' expectations, took off, taking with it the tree it had been caught in for seven years.
"I would say that it bored me to tears, but that would imply that it went so far as to induce an emotion."
A paper aeroplane attached to a bottle rocket, itself hanging from a helium balloon: another fascinating product of the Backyard Space Race.
"And, of course, painting that giant grasping hand on the lobby's glass-domed ceiling last Christmas. That certainly seized my.. attention."
The tumbleweed rolled ever onward, taking nothing, and leaving only its spores- shedding what little life it had left until it was all dead.
The tumbleweed knew it couldn't learn from its travels, couldn't carry with it a small piece of everywhere it had been and everyone it met.
The tumbleweed knew of rolling snowballs, and sighed, for its own rolling could never make it grow greater and mightier than what it was.
The Queen walked upon an enormous scroll of paper, unfurling before and furling behind her, recording her every footstep for all time.
And that was the key to his master plan: potatoes. Thousands of potatoes. Each with a copper coin and a zinc nail embedded in them.
Made a background picture for my homepage. http://l.j-factor.com/ Might add another at some point. That is all.
We all looked at each other; saw only mute, dumb beings gaze back. And so we all lived, our minds imprisoned in our mute, dumb bodies.
400,000 years ago, we thought "I am." And many thousand lonely years passed, before we all realised that we weren't alone in thinking this.